Should I be worried my brother is trying to steal my husband?

KAT's lil bro was at the new house with the Pretend Husband and I the other day, and the conversation turned to the fact that, since I don't have a job right now, we might have trouble getting our mortgage approved.

"Well, PH," said KAT's lil bro. "You and I could head up to Massachusetts..."
"Why?" asked my oh-so-innocent husband.
"They legalized gay marriage," I explained. "You guys could then get the mortgage together."
"Oh," said the PH. (Yet, not refusing the offer!)

When I laughingly told my dad about the conversation later, his response was, "That might work."
"Yes, Dad," I said. "But then I would definitely have to go on 'Jerry Springer' on the show titled, 'My brother stole my husband.'"

Am I the only one who thinks allowing my brother (who I should announce is not gay) to marry my husband (also not gay... I don't think) is just a little weird? (Or-- option B-- who am I to get in the way of a brilliant plan to secure our mortgage?)

all about the boy i married...

stephanie is fantastic and we all just love her over here. so please, if you've never visited her, go give the Gucci Mama some love.

so i rarely blog about him, but i thought this would be a good opportunity to share some things about the man that convinced me to get married. i say that half-kiddingly. for a long time, i was convinced that i wouldn't marry. i wasn't sure it was the thing i wanted to to. but i love my husband, and would do anything he asked me to do. like, get married. which i did. four years ago (on october 8).

it's not perfect, of course, but what is, these days? he's still the only man i have ever met that i would ever choose to spend the rest of my days with.

1. He's sitting in front of the tv, what is on the screen?
1,152 things at once.

and yes, the constant flipping annoys me to NO END. last night, we were watching monsterquest, a special on comedy central, the football game and iron chef america. my dreams were so messed up, and i'm pretty sure i dreamt of being abducted by big foot and alton brown was cooking by the campfire.

2. You're out to eat what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?
parmesan peppercorn, else something else creamy, unless we're at marlborough tavern, in which case, it's the strawberry vinaigrette. and by "salad" i assume you mean lettuce and cucumbers. everything else is picked out and put on my plate.

3. What's one food he doesn't like?
one? but there's so much i could choose from. i'll go with chicken on the bone. he doesn't like to know exactly which anatomical part of the chicken he's eating.

4. You go out to the bar, what does he order?
a root beer, usually. he rarely drinks. but when he does? gin and tonic. in bulk. just ask SRG about our high school reunion and about what a "cool cat" her hubby is.

5. Where did he go to high school?
southington high school.

6. What size shoe does he wear?
10.

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?
he generally hates for stuff to accumulate (i can't tell you why he married me. really), but he does manage to collect two things: new balance sneakers and fishing lures.

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?
turkey and muenster on a wrap with honeycutt spicy mustard, mayo, shredded lettuce and sometimes, cherry peppers. with honey dijon chips on the side.

9. What would this person eat every day if he could?
hamburgers from Five Guys Burgers and Fries. with pickles, ketchup, mustard and lettuce.

10. What is his favorite cereal?
he doesn't eat cereal, but on the rare occassion that he does eat it -- it's whatever i have. so, special K cinnamon pecan or lucky charms. i think it vaguely occurs to me that he may like frosted flakes, but i think they're disgusting. so if he did, thankfully he's gotten over that.

11. What would he never wear?
a bunny suit. i've asked.

12. What is his favorite sports team?
he likes to watch basketball and football the most, but he likes the red sox (i may be a bigger fan, oddly, since i did stay up on our honeymoon to watch Big Papi hit the grandslam homerun to keep the series alive at around 1:20 a.m.), and he loves his fantasy football team.

13. Who will he vote for?
mccain, he says. ergo, i shall vote for obama to cancel him out. he did recently announce that "we should become republicans." he likely won't repeat that anytime soon.

14. Who is his best friend?
KAT's husband the PH. not even kidding. that works out well, no?

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?
where do i begin? let's go with the one he repeats most often (read: every single day to whomever will listen): leave the ice cream scoop on the counter after i dish out a scoop of ice cream.

16. How many states has he lived in?
he's a nutmegger through and through.

17. What is his heritage?
polish and ukrainian.

18. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind of cake?
i don't, which is probably another one for #15. (although i always offer). i'll make him cupcakes - yellow with chocolate frosting.

19. Did he play sports in high school?
he played soccer, and wanted to play football but his mom wouldn't let him. however, he would play every sunday morning with a bunch of friends in college and we throw the pigskin around every fall in our backyard. last year he taught me how to run plays. i'm the quarterback to his wide receiver.

20. What could he spend hours doing?
i'd love to go with stephanie and say "spend hours looking at my pretty face" but that's likely not the case. he could, however, spend countless hours with my dad.

the things i'm willing to do for the blog....

as promised.

by the way - the caption for this is "holy crap, i'm not sure i can wear this in public."

Hey, I believe too!

I'm going to follow SJ's lead and list the 10 things I believe in (soooo not stealing her idea, that's why they call it a writing "prompt" because it "prompted" me to think about it too...) Oh, and she took a couple of the things I truly believe (like living with no regrets), but I'm challenging myself to come up with all original beliefs for this one.

Ok, so I believe...

1. I believe that life isn't always fair and sometimes bad things do happen to good people. And I believe in saying "That sucks" instead of some sugary "Into every life a little rain must fall" or "What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger."

2. I believe in the power of a few kind words or some random compliments (cashiers everywhere have been recipients of this...)

3. I believe I'm turning into my mother and I also believe that it's an awesome thing.

4. I believe I married the nicest guy I ever dated (and I believe that trumps being taller than him!)

5. I believe in laughter, that it is a greater unifier and healer. And I believe no one should pass on the chance to make someone laugh.

6. I believe I will never feel the age on my birthday cake, but will always feel like a teenager in an adult's body.

7. I believe in cranking up the radio and singing at the top of your lungs, regardless of who stares from the next car over.

8. I believe in the beauty of nature, in a star-filled night sky, the sun scattered arounded a wooded area and the view from the top of a mountain.

9. I believe in the kind of friends who will share the same amount of tears as laughter with you, and still send you home feeling like you still had the best time ever.

10. I believe a bowl of ice cream can cure just about anything.

10 Things I Believe

i got this little writing prompt from one of our favorite bloggers. Kathy comes up with these phenomenal prompts each week - and this is the first time I have my act together enough to actually follow along.

it may be true that i believe in more than 10 things, but these are just the thoughts that came to me as i lay awake this morning trying to get the ambition to get out of bed and ready for work, and then some more that came to me in my ridiculously long commute.

1) i believe that you will fall in love more than once in your lifetime, and likely, at one point, you will fall in love with someone who is completely wrong for you -- but that doesn't make it wrong.

2) i believe life is short and you should never skip homemade desserts for exactly that reason.

3) i believe in the formidable power of a sexy black lace bra and matching panties under a well-tailored suit. i've rarely felt more confident and powerful than in my old favorites-- even if no one else could see what was underneath.

4) i believe that you are never too old for the comfort of a teddy bear.

5) i believe in a woman's right to choose, which coincides with:

6) i believe that everyone is entitled to an opinion, but they are not entitled to belittle others about their choices and opinions. i believe in a healthy debate, but only among willing participants. not everyone likes to share, and that's okay. unless you have a homemade dessert. then all bets are off. you had better share.

7) i believe in the healing power of a child's smile. whenever i'm feeling particularly angry, upset or bitter over something, all it takes is some time with my nephews before i feel fully restored.

8) i believe you should always read the book first.

9) i believe you should always use spf 45 and wear a hat in the sun but you should not freak out about the little lines that form around your eyes and mouth. there's a reason they got there, and likely it's from the good times (and bad) that got you to where you are.

10) i believe in having no regrets.

current itunes song: "let's hear it for the boy" by deniece williams

The cover letter I wish I could send

Dear HR lady,

C'mon, you know you want to hire me! I mean, you're probably sitting in front of your computer all day getting resumes from college graduates looking to break into the business and-- oops, they don't actually have the years of experience the job requires-- but they did get an "A" in Freshman Comp and oh yeah, they wrote for their college paper for two whole semesters after they realized they were going to be applying for journalism jobs without ever actually having written something for any kind of publication. (And yes, I realize that was one long sentence-- see! I'm a professional!-- but it's necessary for the tone I was trying to convey...)

See? I offer so much more than that. I have actual experience and, perhaps even more importantly, I really need a job. I won't bore you with the details, but it entails a combination of a new, bigger mortgage and a slight lack of employment.

And really, as long as your job includes some kind of writing or talking or publishing, I know I can handle it. I do all three of those things on a fairly regular basis and I know I can step up and succeed at any job that entails those things.

I'm available immediately, although I would enjoy a day or two off to enjoy not working since all my time this far has been filled with job searching and house renovating, but hey! I'm not picky! I'll start later today if you want.

Just please give me a job. Please? And OK, I am not above begging.... pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!

And my, that's a beautiful outfit you have on today. Love and kisses, FunnyGal KAT

better use for Zicam: shove it up your nose

my cold has blossomed into a full-bloom sinus infection, but i just discovered zicam's intense sinus relief spray - menthol scent.

i may have accidentally shot it onto my cerebellum, but really, this stuff seems to be a godsend.

i felt instant relief. but you can only use it once every 12 hours, so i'll let you know if it gets me through the night.

current itunes song: "tear in your hand" by tori amos

remember when i said that i wouldn't be doing that again?

well. as it turns out, i will be.

you don't remember? oh. right. to be specific, i'm talking about the fact that i'm going to lace myself into a bodice and prance around on a stage and sing. at a renaissance fair. i know. i can't believe it either.

i have to go back to the 2005 archives to find the last time i even thought about joining my friends at the CT Ren faire.

but, for some reason, this year i decided -- while sifting through a rubbermaid container of halloween costumes (and i confess, i don't know a single other adult who has as many as i do) -- that i haven't done it in a while, and my friends could use the third voice to their usual twosome (and we do sound lovely as a trio) so, why not?

because i have to lace myself into a bodice that pushes my boobs to my chin and makes breathing an option. that is why not.

it *is* fun -- i love the comraderie and the showmanship. some of the performers are beyond amazing. but those people that walk around with the pointy ears and the leather zena warrior princess outfits? i find them odd, and not at all true to the historical period represented.

and really, when it comes down to it. can you imagine the blog material i'll have for the next couple of weeks?

current itunes song: "believer" by susanna and the magical orchestra

This being laid off thing could really work out for the Pretend Husband...

So, today is officially my last day of work. But unofficially? I stopped working yesterday and took today to get a bunch of stuff done. And if today is any indication, I'm going to be one productice mo-fo in my laid off-hood (what? that's not a word?)

I'm a domestic goddess today... for example, all the laundry is folded and put away, I've done three or four sinkfuls of dishes, I made dinner, I premixed the waffles for tomorrow's breakfast, I went grocery shopping and to the bank and now I'm packing me, the PH and the dogs up to head to the new house and stay over. I started the day with a pretty long to-do list, thinking I might get half of it done... and then finished it and kept going. What is wrong with me?!?

So, this may turn into a plan to be such an awesome homemaker that the PH will come to rely on me and want me never to return to work full-time (although I definitely need part-time and freelance work for fear I'd go crazy without doing some type of work). What do you think-- can I keep up this crazy pace or is this the just-got-laid-off adrenaline rush?

fall cleaning.

so, besides the cold, which sucks, it's been a crazy busy week for both of us here at Funnygals, so we apologize for our sluggish posting. in truth, i was in a zicoma, which, as you know, is induced by drinking metallic tasting, overly sweet syrup called zicam. which, allegedly heals you. whatev. it's disgusting enough to make you forget about the phlegm in the back of your throat, but that's about it.

and quite frankly, while i've been driven insane with crap, i have nothing really new to report except to say that i freakin' love fall but i freakin' hate people (not everyone. not you, certainly. just you know. the creepers).

love it. spring and fall - or as i call them, the in-betweens, have long been my favorite seasons.

i love my fall wardrobe -- with all of those long cozy sweaters.
i love all the exciting things to do every weekend like going apple picking or going to a country fair.
i love the cool nights that make me glad i have those cozy sweaters.
and i love pumpkins. is that weird? because i totally do. i'm growing them, in fact. but poorly. really, i have an overgrown patch of weeds with some gourds. a crapload of gourds. and by growing them, really i mean i dumped the seeds in the ground and let nature take its course. there wasn't any weeding or watering, etc.

and i've also decided -- just now -- to do some fall cleaning. i just cleaned my cell phone out of all of those numbers of people that a) i don't ever call anymore for one reason or another (like former colleagues that i only had in my phone so i'd recognize the number when they called me) and b) that i shouldn't have in there in the first place (former flames, people that i don't like, etc.)

it feels wonderful. so awesome, in fact, that i just now decided to do the same thing with my buddy list. i rely on instant messenger (both AIM and MSN) all day long for work, and every once in a while, i'd shoot an IM over to a friend just to vent or check in, etc. and there are some people that have languished on there - i message them, but they rarely respond, else they're rarely online.

i deleted those suckers.

it's awesome. and liberating. i totally recommend it.

Zicam is *Not* flavorless

i have my first cold of the season. dammit. i HATE having a cold. and i haven't been sick since april, so i'm a huge baby about it.

but i'm powering through it because i want to go see this singer tonight in New Haven because i just love her and i'm trying to set up two friends. so i'm loading up on various kinds of drugs. most recently, i took some motrin to treat the body aches and sore throat. this morning, i took tylenol cold and sinus.

and last night? i took the most disgusting medicine i've ever had: zicam. it's like the equivalent of rancid sprite syrup in your juice and then sucking it down.

nasty. and they market it as "virtually flavorless." whatever. if that's the case, then i'm virtually a supermodel millionaire.

bah! i'm going to go curl up with my vicks-scented tissues now. wake me when it's time for me to drag my carcass out to a bar in new haven.

Digging out...

I am absolutely BURIED right now... with finishing up my last week of work, job hunting, working on the new house, packing up the old house and completing a project for a friend's business. I'm not sure I will be going to sleep tonight because, of course, everything needs to be completed at once.

I realize this post is not the usual bit o'funny that you've come to expect from us Funny Gals. I promise to try to spend some time at Wal-Mart next week to make up for it (because, for some reason, Wal-Mart cashiers are always coming out with comedic gems, although not usually on purpose...)

In the meantime, send chocolate martinis-- quick!

my dog likes martinis.

The following exchange took place around 1 this morning between me and Bailey. As a reminder (because I haven't blogged about Bales in a while), he's my 4 year old springer spaniel. He's not an actual person, although I forget this sometime.

"Woof."

"Bailey. what do you want?"

"Woooooooof." I open my eyes to see him staring down at me. He's sitting on my pillow, staring at me, and woofing quietly and deeply.

"What. do. you. want. Bailey, it's one in the morning and mommy is tired! Remember that martini you tried to help me drink? Yeah. Well. Now I'm tired. I'm NOT making you a martini. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to drink anyway."

"woof."

"I don't care that you are 28 in dog years. I'm not buying it. Forget it. Ask daddy. Mommy is TIRED."

"WOOF!" There's scratching until my covers are completely off of me.

"FINE! But you're only getting water. Dogs are *not* supposed to drink."

I very groggily went downstairs and found a bottle of water and very groggily went back upstairs to find my dog completely passed out, and spooning with my husband on my side of the bed, with his head on my pillow.

Sure, he might look innocent and cute. But whatever. That little bastard is sneaky.

Dear Peyton... Leave it to Aunt Busty to embarrass you on only your third day in the world!

Hello little nephew,

When you get older, you're going to realize that there were some very important details that didn't make your baby book. Things your parents don't want to remember or don't think are appropriate for your innocent little ears. Well, that's where your Aunt Busty comes in.

First of all, you probably wonder why I go by Aunt Busty, given the fact that it's not actually the name I was blessed with at birth (shocking, right?) It's real simple: my porn name is Busty LaRoux (and no, it's not derived from that first pet's name, street you grew up on combo... I never had a dog named Busty). I mean, everyone has a porn name, right?

So, here's a fun little tidbit for you, Peyton. You are named after Peyton Manning, some football guy who plays for some team in Indiana (your dad can fill in those details). Your dad actually got your mom to agree to name you Peyton Manning if his team won the Super Bowl a few years ago (I think your mom was drunk when she agreed to it-- luckily, she came to her senses and convinced your dad "Mathew" is a better middle name).

And you share your birthday with my second dog, Casey. She's a little pissed that she's no longer going to get all the attention of the day, but said she's willing to give you a bite of her birthday dogbone if you'd like (but, having tried it myself, I don't recommend it).

When you were born, your mom was a little loopy from the pain meds... OK, she was flying high. So your birth was something like this...

Nurse: "It's a boy!"
(no response)
Your Mom: "What is it?"
Nurse: "Uh, it's a boy."

Lastly-- and feel free to print this part out for your future prom date-- two different nurses remarked to your parents how-- ahem-- well-endowed you are. No kidding! Shortly after your birth, when they presumably should have been focusing on more important things, two nurses were checking you out. And apparently, compared to the other newborn packages out there, yours more than measures up. I just thought you should know.

That's it for now, my boy. Although we live pretty far apart, I want to assure you that I will be taking every opportunity to visit you with plenty of inappropriate toys (loud things that perhaps make a mess...), call you embarrassing names and leave lipstick marks on your cheek. I'm a little young to be your crazy, old aunt, but I think I will have the "crazy" part down in no time! My apologies in advance.

Love, Aunty Busty

excuse us while we plan our weekend in front of you....

is that rude?

sorry.

so KAT, are you in for Sunday night at 6 p.m.? is the PH going to go with you? because j doesn't want to go. but if the ph goes, he'll go.

my beauty regimen

... well perhaps that's a misnomer. i don't actually have one. i mean. i do. i shower! and i use really awesome shampoo!

but other than that, my goal is to be out the door as soon as possible on any given day.

so i thought i'd be helpful and share with you some beauty tips that i have learned over the years. sure, there are those helpful tips like putting white toothpaste on a zit, or rinsing your hair with cold (as cold as you can stand) water -- but i don't have any of those.

instead, i'm giving you my tips.

1) use really good smelling shampoo that could almost smell like perfume. that way, you don't have to bother putting on perfume as well. my favorite: molton brown lilli-pilli. it's ridiculously expensive, but makes my hair perfectly shiny and smooth (as much as it can be, anyway), and it smells like a light, crisp perfume.

2) once you find one burts bees lip shimmer that you like (3.99 and smells like peppermint), buy at least 3. put one in your car, one in your purse, one in your office, one in the kitchen, etc. because inevitably, it will be IMPOSSIBLE to find that raisin one that's your favorite because it's everyone else's favorite too.

3) two words: dry shampoo. who has time to wash their hair every day, i ask you? and if you do have that kind of extra time, why waste it on your hair when you could be stopping at dunkin donuts to get iced coffee?

4) i do wear bare minerals. but rarely do i have the kind of patience required to put on all of those levels (it's only like 3, but really. come on. i skimp wherever possible) -- so i tend to skip the blush, which makes me look really wan and pale, which also makes people think i'm even more stressed than i am, which makes them not dump as much work on me as they usually would.

5) i wear black every day. all day. because it matches itself. all the time. i own 12 black dresses (it was 11 until yesterday at lunch) because it is the easiest thing to wear.

granted, my beauty routine may make me look like wednesday addams from time to time. but on the whole, it works for me!

so there you have it. i hope it helps you as much as it helps me.

when you stray from this routine even by putting on that layer of blush, you'd be amazed at the amount of compliments (likely because you look like a pale-ass witch every other day, but whatevs). except those backassward compliments that i get like "wow... you should [fill in the blank] all the time. you look great!"

if anyone else has any more time saving tips, i'd love to hear them!

current itunes song: "bury the cynics" by the lovely sparrows

I'm an aunt (subtitle: how to make my sister giving birth all about me...)

Edited to add: Photos of my handsome little nephew are now up over at his very own blog!

You know you're related to a journalist when you wait for a slow news day to be born! I was sitting around this morning thinking about how I had nothing to post about and plotting how make SJ break something or show up to work without some piece of clothing in order to have something people will read about (admit it, those are the two main reasons you keep reading, right?). But, luckily, KAT's lil sis stepped up to the plate (the plate being the hospital) and hit one out of the park (i.e. gave birth).

Enough with the football analogies, though. I'm an aunt! Little Peyton Mathew was born this afternoon at a healthy 8 pounds, 8 ounces and what little details I know can be found at his very own blog.

I knew I wasn't going to be able to be in Florida for Peyton's birth, but it was harder than I thought to sit around waiting for his arrival once lil sis called to say she was in labor. I think the Pretend Husband could tell it was difficult because the first thing he said when I called to tell him about lil sis' call was, "Do not go to the airport."

So I didn't fly down for his first few hours, but this aunt promises she will be down within the first few weeks (let's hear it for being laid off! woot! woot!) and will not leave until she makes Peyton laugh.

sj: oversharing since 2005.

i have a list of confessions for you today. because it's rainy and i am tired and stayed up until 11:30 last night making cupcakes for work (but dude. they came out *perfectly*. like little hostess cupcakes, and i mastered the filling without using an airgun.)

and they're not the juiciest confessions, but they are, in essence, little pieces of me that i'm sharing with you, because you got here, so you must care, right? wait. where are you going? come on now. i've already shared with you too much - like the time i nearly went braless, or the time i went pantyless?

i'm going to share even *more* now. although perhaps nothing as embarrassing as those little gems.

so. now for the following little known facts about me. there's not much more to know about me after this list, and my profile, however. so i realize i run the risk of running out of things to blog about. good thing i keep hurting myself.

1) we all know i love animals. i had a sheep as a pet, and several bunnies, and now a dog. but my sensitivity may perhaps be too much. i once had to pull over on the side of the road after hitting a bird. i cried. seriously. ask my friend bill, who i was on the phone with at the time. (and who thinks i am, justifiably, a freak.

2) i played this game as a child where i really thought that i could telepathically communicate with birds. srg knows all about this. she was totally in my game. her name was bunny, and mine was trixie. these were the nicknames given to us by our second grade class photographer (you know? the dude that takes the pictures.)

3) i had a huge crush - huge - on one of my friends' ex-boyfriends. but shh. i'll never tell you who or which one or any other details. i just had to share. he wasn't my type in *any* aspect, but still. i was in love with him. (and now? i have no idea what i was thinking. but there was a time when i would have made some very bad decisions....)

4) the first concert i ever saw was Barry Manilow. and i still dig that shizzle. i love him. and i'd go see him again.

5) when i'm really, really trashed, i sometimes speak with a bad British accent. Sorry, Molly. i mean no disrespect to your country.

6) i own the Debbie Gibson greatest hits CD. and secretly listen to it all the time. and i know every single word to Foolish Beat.

so go ahead. get your guilty secrets out there. you know you want to.

current itunes song: "fair" by remy zero

Sometimes they need our help to be the man we want them to be

Part of cleaning out my old house (soon to be my new house) has involved the discovery of all sorts of "treasures" from growing up. Like the box full of notes folded like footballs from my middle school years. And every birthday card I had ever received. And love letters from my high school boyfriend.

Having found-- and tossed-- the love letters, I started giving the Pretend Husband a hard time about why I have all these letters from some long-ago love and almost none from him, the guy I ended up with. To be fair, we have been apart for very little time, so it makes sense that we rarely write to each other. But I still felt like I needed something to replace those letter filled with compliments and expressions of love.


So I wrote myself a love letter from the PH, leaving some blanks for him to fill in. It was something like, "Dear KAT, What I love most about you is _________________. When I'm at work, what I miss most about you is ___________________. My favorite memory of our time together is ______________. Love, the PH"

And, because the PH is who he is, a bunch of the blanks were filled in with "your boobs." But he also threw some really sweet stuff in there (like how his favorite memory is of the two of us sitting at the altar at our wedding). Perhaps I've discovered some awesome new product to help men express their love with a minimum of effort on their part? Check your local stores soon for KAT's own Madlibs of Love!

red wine and ben and jerry's makes everything better.

i had ben and jerry's for breakfast.

in a chocolate sprinkled sugar cone.

nothing fixes a red wine hangover better than premium ice cream for breakfast and shopping for fall clothes.

it's a rainy day.

i was sitting here, on my couch, on my second glass of red wine after a frustrating day.

and then i got a phone call. it was the third phone call of its kind that i've gotten in 10 years. my good friend jen - my friend whom i often refer to as my "twin" - called me to tell me, in a very calm mindset and voice -- that her mom had died.

her mom. her 51-year-old beautiful and healthy mother that was her best friend. died. they're not sure yet of the details, but as she told me the few details she had, i was astounded at her calmness. i guess when a kind of tragedy like that happens, you become calm. you focus on the immediate.

i tried to offer what i could. company at any hour of the day. a bottle of wine. a steak (because don't you cook when people die?) a chocolate cake. anything she needed. but she wasn't ready for that yet. i told her to call me back at 1 a.m. and was totally serious. because no one should be alone in this world.

but i can't offer anything that she needs right now. all i can do is think about her and her dad and what they have in front of them.

and i think about my grandmother, still hanging on in a nursing home. she told me today that she wants to die. as much as i want to selfishly keep her, i understand. but i won't be ready when she goes.

i don't know how to let people go.

i am a relatively introverted person and have a few close friends. the people i let in, i want there. so when they leave, i find it difficult to manage.

so if you are one of those people who i've let in (and if you're reading this, you're likely one of those people), know that i find it difficult to let you go. so please don't go anywhere.

current itunes song: "so sorry" by feist

how i am just like brittany spears

i know, right? who knew.

but i am.

it all has to do with a severe miscalculation on my part about the texture of my foundation garment (fun and lacy) and my comfortable knit dress (fun and not lacy).

due to this miscalculation, i had to determine a solution that would prevent my dress from clinging indiscreetly to my nether regions. because that's what was going on.

which led me to a choice. go without? or just go with it. i polled some co-workers discreetly.

i tried to go without for a little while, but i had a meeting with my ceo, who likes me to sit right next to him when going through reports, etc. and quite frankly, he's in many ways very father-like. and i just couldn't deal with the mental thought of being without my undies in my boss's office. it was quite frankly, unfathomable.

but, for a brief (or... um.. hiphugger) period today, i was indeed modeling the behavior of Brittany Spears.

current itunes song: "portions for foxes" by rilo kiley

The good, the bad and the lazy

I've been working from home quite a bit lately (although, to be fair, I should differentiate between working from home and "working" from home, if you know what I mean). I've actually gotten quite a bit done and found I really enjoy the home office from time to time. But, as always, there are some downsides to it. Such as...

*Stopping at my coworkers' cubicles to chat on my way to the bathroom is not a possibility. I've tried chatting up the dogs, Molly and Casey, but they rarely laugh at my jokes (such a blow to the ego, let me tell you!)

*So many distractions, which I'm sure I would have if I were working at the Capitol ("Oh hello, Governor. Please, have a seat while I finish this Sudoku puzzle.") But still, the book I'm reading is staring at me from across the room, the laundry needs to be folded and the dogs are begging to be taken for a walk when I'm at home.

*Again with the lack of coworkers. I have many, many funny thoughts that run through my head throughout the day and it's just not the same when I have to stop what I'm doing and call my pretend boss, Ted***, to tell him. I'm trying to convince him it wouldn't be at all weird for him to work out of my home with me.
***That's right, I haven't even told you about my pretend boss yet. I know, I know. It's weird that I have the Pretend Husband and the Pretend In-Laws and now the Pretend Boss. I'm not crazy and these people are very real. Ted is the pretend boss because for the first two weeks I had the job, I thought he was my boss-- he sure asked me a lot of questions about what my plans were for the day! Turns out he's just a curious coworker and doesn't actually have any power over me... and wasn't the one who made the decision to lay me off, so I still like him.

And the upside of the work-from-home situation? Well, every-other-day posting on this blog by yours truly is certainly is a plus (perhaps I should let you be the judge of that...) And I am very productive with my work, getting it done much faster since I don't have the aforementioned coworkers to distract me. Oh, and I'm getting very, very good at Sudoku (you think I should include that on my resume?) I will end this here so I can go complete the Jdlfgfjsd Report for work (which, don't tell Ted, but that's code for "watch People's Court")

i am fragile. no kidding.

j constantly refers to me as an overripe peach. which is practically true. i get these bruises all of the time from the slightest of bumps.

and no, i'm not abused. despite the bruises, and the broken rib last year, and the countless other trips (literally) to the er.

but imagine my chagrin when i discovered the newly formed bruise on my temple that makes me look, of course, like i have a black eye. thankfully, my super stylish D&G frames cover much of the bruise.

i think i did it in my sleep. i could have done it consciously and just not have paid attention. but yesterday all morning i had spots in my eye, which drove me to distraction.

but let's just catalog the accidents from the past four years:
chipped bone in foot
broken rib
sprained ankle
snowtubing head injury (non-concussive.... is how they described it in the er)
bruised temple

i'm going to go wrap myself in bubble wrap now.

Move over HGTV!

Now that our first house has become our "practice house" and we're gearing up to transform the house we're buying (which is the house I grew up in), I'm taking a hard look at the skills the Pretend Husband and I bring to the table. (Also? In packing up the office, I found a bunch of photos I never organized, so now seemed as good a time as any to show off our work).

When we moved into our current house, it had been vacated by a woman in her nineties... who loved that mauve carpeting, country style. Well, that and the strangest color combinations you've ever seen. Orange carpeting with lime green walls and doors? Check. Blood red carpet with gray walls and doors? Check. Purple carpet with tan wallpaper? Check.

And now? Well, I hope we're leaving this house looking a little less like a clown threw up in it and more like a couple of classy individuals lived here. But I'll let you decide. First, the kitchen. The before had that country wallpaper on the top, lime green paint on the bottom and the ugliest light fixture I've ever seen...

The after features green and white walls (green wasn't our first choice, but we needed to match the green floor since our budget did not allow for a new one) and a light fixture that isn't beautiful, but it was cheap and able to be installed by yours truly.

And now, the half bath. Ah, the half bath. It was the last room in the house that needed updating (you'll see why) and we finished it a few days after we put our house on the market. It just stuck out like a sore thumb after the work on the other rooms. But it was worth the rushed work. The before...

And the after... (the sides of the doorway are actually bright white and the walls are pale green, not pink and blue as they appear in the photo-- although ANYTHING is better than the wood paneling that was there!)

OK, one more for you before you decide if the PH and I are worthy of doing the work on our new house. Finally, the living room, where the mauve carpeting was at its finest. The before...

And, alas, the pink curtains did not make the cut in the after...

Looks pretty good, right? Just in time to move out!