The things I'm willing to do for blog material...

I had wanted to wait a few more weeks to write this post, but frankly, there's not a lot funny going on in my relatively boring life that aren't directly related to this one main thing.

And besides, KAT's little sis specially requested that I post. (Oh, you LOVE me! You really do!!!!)

So you know how KAT and I are pretty obnoxiously close, right? No?

OK, I'll review.

We met back in 2002 when we were both reporters at a newspaper together. It was about that time I was dating J. Months followed, J and I got engaged and KAT and I grew ever closer, bonding over things like pen fights, whiskey mixed with antihistamines and long story short, I woke up with no pants on in her bed.

Obviously, things like this make you bond.

So KAT stood up at my wedding (as in, she was a bridesmaid. I didn't just make her stand there in the middle of the church the entire ceremony. She had a matching dress and everything). Then J and I got a dog. And then KAT and PH started dating and then they got a dog. And as the years followed, KAT ended up married to my husband's best friend.

And then they moved. And then we moved too. To the same town.

My point, folks, is that we believe in doing things together.... which is why it probably doesn't come as a shock to you that almost exactly two months after KAT and the PH will have their little bundle of joy in diapers, J and I will get another dog.

HA! I got you, didn't I?

Okay, no not really.

We are, in fact, also having a baby. And by "we" I mean, you know, mostly me. But J obviously had a huge part in this whole thing.

So as I wrap up the first trimester, which for me has meant a moderate amount of puking, aversions to some of my favorite foods yet odd cravings for salad (My child's name may end up Romaine), "OH MY GOD I HAVE TO GIVE UP COFFEE," getting up four times a night to pee and seriously looking (or feeling so bloated that I must look) pregnant for at least a month now, I'm looking forward to sharing all of the kind of horrendous details that one should only share with her best friend, or publicly on a blog when it would make others laugh at my expense.

But you know. Whatever it takes. FOR THE BLOG.

Note: I've written this post and scheduled for advanced posting.  Which means I will likely forget that I posted it and someone will say something to me at some point and I will be offended and cry because I must look hugely pregnant. Please don't be offended if you're the person I cry to.

The thing about tag sales...

Time spent gathering items around the house and tagging them= 1.5 hours

Time we awoke on Saturday in order to haul our stuff to SJ's house= 6:30 a.m.

Number of times I wished I had never met SJ so I wouldn't have to be awake so early= 27

Pounds I had to lift onto the back of a truck at 6:30 a.m.= don't know, but it felt like 180

Number of times I had to lift what felt like a 180-pound desk on Saturday= 6

Hours I spent sitting in the sun, chatting with three funny sisters and bargaining with tag sale shoppers= 4.5

Money I made for my 8 hours of work and 6 desk moving experiences= $21.75

Money I spent on an item one of the funny sisters was selling= $45

What participating in SJ's tag sale cost me= $23.25

Where I've Been - and Will Be....

So yes. I've been absent again, but thank *goodness* for KAT (and, apparently, my mom) and her funniness for keeping up the blog.

I've been busy hanging out in 17th century villages and whatnot. (True story. See my twitter updates about staying overnight on site at the New York Renaissance Faire.)

And that's where I'll be once again this weekend while I help out my friends at the Crown and Feather by donning a fake accent and some fabulous clothes. I'd say come see me, but chances are, you don't know who I am and if you do, you may freak me out a little. But why not? If you happen to be going to the NYRF this weekend, come by! We'll chat over turkey legs.

It'll be great.

The Pre-Dating Interview: What They Don't Ask on e-Harmony

First off, thank you for the valuable input in the Exit Interview research. We had some notable additions in the comments for new questions that were all *fantabulous* - and one such comment by my friends Robyne and Pat led me to thinking: what would a pre-interview questionnaire look like for the non- online dating crowd. How would it work?

Would it be like an evite kind of thing that you'd send before going on your next date? Would you make them submit to filling it out shortly after you've met, prior to a possible next meeting?

Before I begin, however, let me just go on the record now to say if anything ever happens to my husband (like he comes to his senses and leaves me, is trampled by rabid Twilight fans or runs away with Dita Von Teese), I will remain single for the rest of my days, but will have lots of bunnies. (No, Pat. Not that many bunnies.)

So this is what I've come up with for my pre-qualification survey. I also think that, depending on the answers, you should anticipate different levels of dateyness. Like - a 75 percent would be coffee... 85 percent would be drinks... 95 percent? dinner! it's like rewarding your compatibility.

Side Note: Do people go on dinner dates anymore? (How have I suddenly turned into a 60 year old woman??)

So back to it. Here's my pre-dating survey. Please weigh in on the comments - because I so enjoy the comments.

The Before Survey

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this survey. But frankly, I think it'll save time for both of us, no?

Question 1. We've hit it off initially, it seems. There was laughter, a meeting of the minds, you seem witty and charming and I can see myself leaning into you before the night ends. So tell me - when will you call me?

a) Two days, ma'am. That is the rule set forth by the great Vince Vaughn.
b) As soon as it seems feasible that you've slept in adequately but haven't yet made plans for the next day so that I may pencil in some hang time in the afternoon.
c) I've already texted you funny thoughts that occurred to me.
d) I was going to call you when I got home. Is 2 a.m. too late?
e) When I want to hang out next... maybe Thursday? Maybe next week?

Question 2. What would your ideal plan be for the next date?

a) I don't know. Whatever. Maybe hang out. Maybe catch a flick. Whatevs.
b) I'd love to take you this great little tapas place and maybe catch some music afterward, grab a drink... go for a stroll around WH Center.
c) Have you ever been kite flying at the beach? We'll pack a picnic.
d) My mom makes an awesome chicken parm. You've gotta come by.
e) Let me check with my wife.

Question 3. When is the appropriate time to make your first move?

a) Me? Oh no. It's all on you.
b) I realize it's a family restaurant, but what the heck...
c) Third date? Fourth date?
d) When I walk you to your car and I make you laugh really loudly. I'll be so smooth you'll barely realize the awkwardness that inevitably comes with the first kiss.
e) On our wedding day.

Question 4. What is appropriate dinner conversation should you ever have to meet my parents?

a) Your conception. I'm fascinated by how you were created.
b) Oh, you know. The usual. Religion, politics, the economy, labor unions.
c) Their recent home renovation. Although it happened sometime in the 90s.
d) My ex-girlfriend's parents.
e) Whoa, Nelly. I don't meet parents.

Question 5. My BFF just broke up with her boyfriend...

a) He's an ass. He never deserved her.
b) Would you like me to pick up the Ben and Jerry's before we head over?
c) That sucks. I have tickets to U2 and will meet you at the concert. Don't be late, ok?
d) I'm sorry to hear it. Let me know if you want to meet for a post chick flick drink.
e) The hot one?


OK. This is harder than I thought. I need some help. Please provide audience participation....

SJ's Letters to the Masses version 3.1: The Ren Faire Letters

Dear Man who attends Renaissance Faires to grope the actors,

You're icky, sir. And I realize that I may be dressed somewhat funny, and I realize that you find my outfit very pleasing to the eye, but come now. Would you want random men groping your sister?

Do I invite your groping? No, sir. I do, in fact, not.

Please back away.

Sincerely,
sj

*****
Dear Freecreditreport.com,

On behalf of all singers and musicians that perform at festivals while dressed in costume: Thanks. Thanks a whole freaking lot. My credit is just *fine* thank you.

I bite my thumb at you, sirs.

Unapologetically,
sj

*****
Dear People who laugh at me for dressing up like Heidi and singing at such festivals,

I get paid. And I look *fabulous.*

And little girls wish to be me. (It's cool though, parents. I totally warn them away from a life of singing sea shanties while wearing a corset.)

Yours in song,
SJ

******
Dear 22-year-old SCA enactor,

I'm sorry, but we are not "fated to be together" in this lifetime, or the next. My husband is both a history nerd *and* a hottie.

Not, in fact, yours,
SJ

You know. Just the usual shenanigans that involve me dressing up like a pirate.

Hi everybody!

Sorry. Did you think I fell overboard and never came back from Vermont?

I only wish it were so. I've been terribly busy playing pirate, doing my actual regular job and working on a third job that I picked up because singing like a pirate and my regular job that takes 50-60 hours of my life a week weren't enough.

Actually, I figured if KAT could work 7 jobs, surely I could work 3.

I don't want to disappoint, though, so as promised, here's a picture of me dressed up as a Pirate, with my very good friend and actor David who was also dressed up as a pirate. This, of course, was all in honor of the New England Pirate Faire held this past weekend in Gloucester.



I'd write more, but I have to go find the notes that I wrote down of all the funny that happened to me since then.

Oh, you'll be pleasantly entertained, I think. And if not, I'll include more pictures of me looking ridiculous.

Hugs and kisses, Interweb!

sj

Remember back when I used to blog? That was fun.

Yada yada, excuse about not blogging, yada yada.

I realize there's a formula to my posts, so I'm going to try to mix it up a bit. Kind of like how I mix up my work wardrobe by wearing black one day, black another day, then black with red shoes and then black and white.

It's about that time of year when I take off with my family for vacation. Like I do every year. And every year it's full of hilariousness. Hopefully this year will be no exception.

So as I gather my St. Croix rods, Pfluegger reels, Mepps lures and peep toe pumps (because nothing says bass fishing like fancy footwear), I am also grabbing a digital camera and my laptop. Because I vow to our reading public to blog from Vermont *every single day* with the events of the day.

Besides, when my sister and I get together on a boat and there are fish with teeth involved, it's always a good time.

Particularly because her boat has a cooler. And I think I will make Cosmopolitans in a thermos. I just hope that we don't accidentally store the vodka in the livewell. That would not be good.

The Universe is not pleased with me.

So remember when I had to make a decision?

I made the wrong one. And now the world has to pay. Because if you all remember, I was supposed to be going to Mexico on Sunday.

Yeah, that didn't work out for me.

So now we're going to the Catskills. No. I'm not kidding. Stop laughing. Yes, I'm under 60. Am hoping that I take ballroom dance lessons and Johnny and Penny have a gig that Penny can't go to, so I have to step in but then bad stuff goes down and Johnny gets fired, and then at the end of our stay, Johnny comes back to dance one last dance with me, and says to me "Nobody puts SJ in the corner."

Oh, and we're going to the casino. To hang with Brittany. Because we're so alike.

SJ's Weekend: A Brief Pictorial

I had fun. I had fake hair.



So awesome. I felt like a pop star. Except that my pop star was more like... an Irish Lady in Waiting. Which is what I was for a Renaissance dinner on Saturday. What. Are my glasses "not period?"


And then I got to be at a photo shoot for the New England Pirate Faire in Gloucester -- which was awesome. It was like being on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean. Except there was no Johnny Depp. Which was kind of disappointing. But it was still awesomely amazing.



How was your weekend?

The price of beauty...

I'm not sure guys know how easy they have it (although I think the Pretend Husband's toiletries-- deodorant and cologne-- versus mine-- full drawers of them-- are cluing him in...) But think about everything the ladies have to do on a routine basis-- pluck the eyebrows, shave a whole bunch of areas, sometimes wax some oh-so-sensitive parts. Apparently, we females are a pretty hairy bunch, but we do a good job of hiding that. But I'm not sure how easily I'm going to be able to hide the dreaded mustache. Scroll down to take a look and tell me what you think...

Be honest. Is it obvious?

Actually, this is in honor of the King's birthday. The King is the husband of blogger Isabel and he has a thing for fake mustaches. And yes, I do have a lot of work to do, but found making a fake mustache and posing for photos in it a good way to procrastinate. Why do you ask?

A Day Late, but Happy St. Patrick's Day from Heidi.. er... SJ

what. like you don't dress up in your kitchen like this?

come on. quit lyin'.

I can't believe I don't get invited to more parties!

Just another Tuesday night with the Pretend Husband...

amish paradise...

I'm about to leave, in about an hour, for Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

I've never been, but my parents have been going for years, and out of some strange circumstance that neither me or J can explain, I find myself once again vacationing with my parents.

Even more odd? It's their anniversary on Saturday. But it's been a rough few months for my parents, with the loss of my aunt in August, and with my Gramma's failing health. So off we go. To look at a) quilts b) Amish barns and c) fish.

In preparation for the car ride, I've put the following play list together:

"Amish Paradise" by Weird Al Yankovic (self-explanatory)
"Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson. There's no obvious reason for this song, besides the fact that I love it.
"Breakin' Up" by Rilo Kiley because this may be what happens during a four day weekend with my parents.
"Bring me to Life" by Evanescence because nothing says "Amish quilts" like some goth rock.
"Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls. This to me is the ultimate leaf-peeping song. I can't explain why. It just totally is.
"Don't Touch Me There" by Busta Rhymes. This is for the brief time we drive through New Jersey. As is:
"Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi
"Whiskey Lullaby" by Brad Paisley. It's obligatory to have some country music when with my dad.

That's all I have, because I still have work to do before I leave. I'm thinking the Amish will totally dig it.

Anyway - I should have lots of fun stories when I get back. I think the chances of me finding a wireless internet connection in the middle of Blue Ball and Intercourse (let's just discuss those names. Andy, I'm looking at you, sunshine.) is probably slim to non-existent.

I have a little crush on the Pope.

okay. not the real pope. because that would be wrong.

but i mean the pope from the Connecticut Renaissance Faire. i spent some time chatting with the pretend pope when i was hiding from the various random men that tend to ogle you when you wear outfits like the one i was wearing. (totally my fault i realize, but you cannot authentically sing sea shanties in jeans and graphic tees.)

that dude (the pope, i mean) is living the dream. i mean, really. he's an entertainer who makes a living out of entertaining. i find it incredibly admirable. i wish i had a sustainable talent that would allow me to do that. but alas. i don't, ergo, i have a day job.

but today my day job let me do something rather fun. namely: go talk to little kids about the value of newspapers. today is national newspaper week, so in honor of that, i went to talk to a classroom of fifth graders all about their newspapers.

andy, you'll be happy to know they still read them.

i was a little nervous that i'd walk in with a pile of newspapers and the children would stare blankly at me like i was holding some obscure thing from the past -- like perhaps that spoon that was invented in the 1790s that was designed to shoot medicine to the back of your throat to circumvent the horrid taste as this was before the discovery of high fructose corn syrup?

you know. something like that.

but no. they totally got it. but how alarmed was i that the children didn't seem at all impressed that the first online newspaper "recently" debuted in 1994? likely because they, in fact, were not born until 1998. 1994 was 14 freakin' years ago. that's a freshmen in high school.

when i was a freshmen in high school, the extent of our technology was message boards on prodigy. (anyone? can i get a holla back for message boards?) i can't imagine having a high school relationship in the days of instant messenger.

there is *no way* i would have sustained a relationship longer than an hour.

Should I be worried my brother is trying to steal my husband?

KAT's lil bro was at the new house with the Pretend Husband and I the other day, and the conversation turned to the fact that, since I don't have a job right now, we might have trouble getting our mortgage approved.

"Well, PH," said KAT's lil bro. "You and I could head up to Massachusetts..."
"Why?" asked my oh-so-innocent husband.
"They legalized gay marriage," I explained. "You guys could then get the mortgage together."
"Oh," said the PH. (Yet, not refusing the offer!)

When I laughingly told my dad about the conversation later, his response was, "That might work."
"Yes, Dad," I said. "But then I would definitely have to go on 'Jerry Springer' on the show titled, 'My brother stole my husband.'"

Am I the only one who thinks allowing my brother (who I should announce is not gay) to marry my husband (also not gay... I don't think) is just a little weird? (Or-- option B-- who am I to get in the way of a brilliant plan to secure our mortgage?)

the things i'm willing to do for the blog....

as promised.

by the way - the caption for this is "holy crap, i'm not sure i can wear this in public."