Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Oh because you're so eloquent at 4 a.m.?!?

The Pretend Husband and I were woken by a phone call at 4:30 this morning from our photog friend, BAC, to announce the birth of his daughter. Yay!

Of course, it meant we were awake at 4:30 a.m. and we got a little punchy with random comments and poking each other to move off our side of the bed, etc. The last couple of nights, the PH has curled up with a sofa pillow he named "Frankie" (yeah, he's weird), so he turned his back on me and cuddled with Frankie.

FunnyGal KAT: Frankie is a boy's name.
PH: No, Frankie can be a girl's name, too. Frankie is a girl.
KAT: Well, what's her full name? (meaning, what's it short for?)
PH: Rodrigues. Frankie Rodrigues.
KAT: Is she related to A-Rod [who plays for the Yankees]? (The PH is a die-hard Red Sox fan so I knew this would get his goat)
PH: No, she's G-U-E-S. She doesn't associates with the clan who spells it G-U-E-Z.
KAT: What is wrong with you?

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

A riddle...

So a journalist, a PR person, a lawyer and an insurance industry financial whiz kind of guy (still not sure exactly what J does except it involves math!) are in a car together. Between them all, there's a pretty hefty salary coming in and they've been known to dine in some fine establishments. So where do they stop for lunch?

Dairy Queen. Where the baked stuffed scrod is actually fish sticks and the creme brulee is a Blizzard. Yeah, we're classy like that!

(Oh, and in case you thought we had any dignity or sense of maturity left, the lawyer was lobbying for us to stop at the Popeye's that apparently just opened nearby. He had been really sad to learn Roy Rogers had closed, but perked up again when he spotted Popeye's.)

Monday, April 28, 2008

the weekend in review

the cable man came back on saturday morning -- at some point between 7 and 7:30 (god awful early!) and fixed our broken dvr. it was some really complicated explanation about some piece of wire being caught in some cable and grounding out - and forget it. i lost him after "wire". but now we have *way* too many channels including things like the encore mystery channel and the military history channel.

and molly! i discovered robin hood!

you will be happy to discover, however, that i did not spend hours in front of the tv this weekend. i did have it on while cooking on saturday, and again last night while baking. and it's true that i didn't see my husband from 5 p.m. on Saturday until around 10 when he had disappeared into our bedroom to "take a nap." moments later i heard the television on and i knew i wouldn't see him for a while.

we went to visit Charity and Mr. Charity and their precious little newborn (she's so darned cute!) on Sunday afternoon. KAT and i thought it'd be helpful to pack a few containers filled with homemade food too, because we've heard that new parents don't have all the time in the world.

we got to hold the little newborn girl -- although i should say that holding a newborn baby is pretty darn simple when all they do is sleep contentedly and make some really cute sniffing noises and coos. happily, we were out of there before that baby had a chance to projectile poop onto any of us or wake up and start emitting a siren-like yeowl, which i also hear they do.

we hung out for a few hours and had some great laughs -- some, i admit, at the poor little baby's expense. "this thing ruins all our plans.." and "who knew such a little thing could cause so much work!"

and of course, nothing says "summer's almost here" like a Dairy Queen run with KAT and the PH.

all in all, a lovely little weekend. and now j is en route to the dairy capital of the US for the next couple of days. i'm hoping bales won't mind sleeping downstairs since i'm not looking forward to lugging his 52-pound butt down the stairs at 6 a.m.

one more thing -- j's birthday is saturday and he's given me little to go on in terms of gift ideas. any suggestions?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

99 channels

if you're having cable problems, i feel bad for you, son. i've got 99 channels and a ... oh wait.


i got distracted. why is that you ask?

because i have *CABLE*! that's right. we finally did it. and we went from our regular retinue of ABC, NBC, PBS, FOX and four Spanish channels to 99 channels of wonderment.

and of course we've barely watched anything besides ABC and Fox. well - i haven't. granted j gets home a good 4 hours before me most days and has probably watched a few choice Discovery and Food network shows. I came home yesterday to find him switching between NESN and Alton Brown.

there's just too much to choose from, though. and i really don't want to turn into that couple that just watches too much TV -- i'm an avid reader now and i'd like to stay that way.

we ended up getting it because i am already that person who needs to be able to work from home from time to time -- and sometimes on the weekends. and now we have a CABLE wireless router and it's superfast and i can blog from my living room couch! or my kitchen counter! or my bedroom! or - if i could walk in it - my sewing room!

so fantastic.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Job hunting 101

Do not, under any circumstances, imply to the person whose job you are taking over that it's easy. From the very first resume and cover letter I received today:

"I am not much of a Journalist, but I am sure with my eagerness to learn, it shouldn't be that hard."

Um, really?!? I went to college for four years for this-- I even majored in it-- and I've worked for three separate newspapers to get where I am. Not that hard? Bite me.

(Of course, when I called the Pretend Husband to complain, his response was, "I've been saying that for years." I'm being attacked from all sides. Since when does the Fourth Estate get no respect? It's an entire estate, people. You might have a job, but I have an estate!)

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

It might be time to work on those priorities…

So there’s an ad running in the paper for my position. And a guy I work with (not by choice because he has always been a pain in my rear) spotted the ad and came running into my office this morning all upset. I don’t think it would be exaggerating to say he’s devastated that I’m leaving (ironic because he is the number one thing I won’t miss about my job).

Among the gems was “I found out this weekend that my father-in-law broke his hip and has to go in for surgery. And now this!” (Um, yeah, because those things are on the same level, aren’t they?)

And my favorite, “My guardian angel is leaving me.” (What?!? Isn’t that a little dramatic? I’ve never saved your life, dude, I’ve only toned your photographs. Guardian angel? As SJ would say, “Really?!?”)

And now I'm off to go polish my halo…

Monday, April 21, 2008

attention criminal element: stop invading other people's houses.

so saturday was fun, although not as i had originally planned. i was supposed to be in nyc, but to varying circumstances including a nasty sinus headache, i didn't go.

i did recover enough by saturday night to have dinner (due to last minute plans with the PH and KAT -- which is funny, because as KAT pointed out, we can take an entire week and 25 emails to plan a dinner night, or we can just call each other 25 minutes before 6 on a saturday).

unfortunately, however, i wasn't completely recovered. i spent most of saturday night, into the morning, in my bathroom. the good news, that i don't mind sharing with all of you, is that the time i've spent doing pilates has clearly paid off. because all of the vomiting that i did barely made an impact on my abs.

so sunday morning, j got up, took the dog out while i laid in bed, trying to sleep. around 6:45, he took bales and loaded the car. he left at 7. minutes later, i was awoken by sirens. from all directions. i was vaguely awake, but not really. (see previous paragraph about vomiting for several hours.)

an hour or so later, i was awakened by the sound of a very loud helicopter that seemed to be landing in my front yard.

it was actually lifestar landing in the school yard across the road from us.

it seems that a few blocks away (not much at all) a friend of my parents' was out getting his paper when he saw his screened in porch was damaged. when he checked it out, it seems that a man was sitting in his sun room with a gun. thankfully, the man fled, but was cornered by police and proceeded to shoot himself in someone's front yard.

they found on him a handgun and a machete.


to clarify, i live in a very quiet neighborhood, with lots of little streets and very quiet and very residential. far away (enough) from the scarier places in town where you'd not *too* shocked to hear of such a burglary.

this seemingly new trend of people invading other peoples' homes is terrifying to me. you're not even safe in your own home, it seems, and granted, i was never safe in my own home, as i'm most likely to break things.

i'm glad - at this moment - we don't have a particularly large and seemingly expensive home that may be inviting to criminals, and even more glad that i live on a busy enough street where if someone were to try to break in to our home, it'd be harder to do without witnesses.

but it's ridiculous that i have to think like that. and still ridiculous that i'm now considering putting our knife block hidden away somewhere so that if someone does break into our home, they don't have ready access to weaponry.

Friday, April 18, 2008

sj's newest fun thing to read

i know you all think i'm incredibly deep and all, but from time to time, i *love* to be a catty catty woman. and these girls are not catty. they are genius.

there are few things that make me giggle and forget about my day to day traumas so much as the bad fashion choices made by pseudo-celebrities.

i say this as i'm currently sporting a mini dress, belted, over jeans. perhaps not my best outfit ever, but on my worst day, i rarely make decisions like these.

good for those celebrities, being all brave and such -- putting yourselves out there on display so that we know never to mix leopard print leggings with a gingham sundress.

to that i say - thank you!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

You’re on notice…

So I just gave my boss my notice (and yes, you can make fun of me for not posting some big announcement on FunnyGals on the slight, slight, slight chance someone from work has found the blog and would give me away… go ahead. I’ll wait. There, feel better?)

I find giving my notice kind of tough to do. I’ve actually cried before when doing it (even though I was the one who had gone out looking for a new job because I was no longer happy with the current one). This time, no tears (well, my eyes may have welled up at one point, but just a little).

So, yeah, a new job for KAT! Whoo! I’m going to be working for a company that provides news to radio and television stations around the country. I don’t know how much I’ll actually be on the air, but believe-you-me I’ll be letting you know if there’s a chance to hear me sometime. Look at me, a real journalist! (oh wait, I’ve been a journalist for years. Well, it’s still exciting…)

So I’m sorry for being so shady about revealing the news (I do realize this isn’t earth-shattering since SJ made the announcement for me a couple of weeks ago—that’s how I roll, letting the PR gal send out advance publicity for me!)

So, yeah, now the countdown begins…

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The list of why it sucks to be a grown-up just keeps growing

When we bought our house, we also purchased a home warranty that will cover things like a leaky sink, a broken humidifier, the replacement of the central air conditioning unit and a fix of the furnace (all things we’ve had done, by the way… for a total of about $300 of our money and thousands paid out by the home warranty company... cha-ching). Anyway, when something happens, we call the home warranty company, they assign the appropriate service person and then that person calls us to set up an appointment. Pretty easy, right?

Apparently, not so much. We called on Sunday for a kitchen sink that is yet again leaking. They told us to expect a call that day from a plumber. OK, fine. Well, the Pretend Husband had a message from the plumber that was left around 9 p.m. and was very confusing for everyone. The message, in a heavy French-Canadian accent, went on and on about how the guy didn’t actually know why he was calling and couldn’t read the fax from the home warranty company, but it said to call and he tried a few different numbers and were we the ones he was looking for and call him back s’il vous plait.

The PH returned the call and said the conversation went on for about 10 minutes while he had to explain to the plumber why he had gotten a fax from the home warranty company he works for and not a call from us. Then he told him the problem and then had to try to explain why this particular plumber was the one who was called instead of the company that did the work the first time (which I think the PH made up because how is he supposed to know how the warranty company assigns the work?) The plumber tried putting the PH on hold and calling the warranty company to get some answers (to what, we’re still not sure…) but was put on hold and finally gave up.

He also asked the PH what parts he should bring to fix the sink (um, you're the plumber... shouldn't you be telling us that?!?) and when the PH tried to give him directions to our house, he got as far as, "Take a left off the exit" before the plumber said, "Ok, got it" and refused to listen to the rest of the directions.

Then he told the PH he would come over and look at the sink after he went to another house, but when the PH asked when he would be at our house (you know, so someone could actually be there to let him in), the guy told him the work at the first house could take five minutes or five days (because that really narrows it down…) And, yeah, a day later, we still haven’t heard back from the guy.

But I’m not complaining. It’s still better than the call I had to make this morning to again cancel the insurance we have canceled at least six times in the last four months.

Monday, April 14, 2008


this post title has a double meaning. 1) it's what e calls it when he wants to toast someone. (because the glasses go "dink!" when you clink them. 2) it's what anonymous refers to me as, since i have no children of my own.

i went to visit my parents yesterday, and in turn, to visit my grams. my sister and e were around, so i took e upstairs to go visit my gramma. (she is still hanging in there, thank you for thoughts and prayers). she's doing okay- but not making much sense. at least, not to us. but apparently, her and e speak the same language.

me: "hi gramma!"

e: "hi gramma!"

gramma: "hi!"

gramma: "where's your horse?"

me: "um.... where's my...?"

e: "yeah, auntie sj, where your horse?"

gramma to e: "it's sleeping. she lost the picture."

e: "yeah, auntie sj. it sleeping. go wake it up! and get picture!"

me: "um.... okay"

i get up off the bed, and put my shoes on.

e goes over to the couch and says "wake up!"

gramma: "yeah, that's it. wake it up!"

e looks at me and says, as if he knew what i was thinking: "i know."

i took my shoes back off. he's a wise little man.

last friday night, j and i paid a visit to my parents. i had heard through the grapevine (known around here as "anonymous") that little e was visiting my parents (read: they were baby sitting.)

we stopped by after dinner, just around 7:30 or so. we walked into the kitchen, and looked around, called out "Mom... Dad...?" but alas, they were not responding.

one could tell from careful examination of the kitchen floor (or not even careful examination but more like - just glancing briefly), that it looked as if e was around. there was a scattering of toys on the floor, a blanket haphazardly tossed about, a half destroyed piece of cake was left on the table, sprinkles all akimbo.

all in all, it looked a little like what the three bears must have seen when they came home to their cottage, methinks.

i found him, eventually, upstairs with gramma, my mom and our aunt. he tackled my knees when he saw me -- my favorite kind of greeting. we visited for a while, before going downstairs to watch "the cats" (the Aristocats).

it was a long day, and i went up and down and up and down visiting grampa and uncle j carrying little e the whole time. finally, it was time to unwind. i need some wine. so i filled myself up a glass from my mom's favorite red boxed wine and sat down on the couch with a sigh. e looked up at me, and offered me his sippy cup.


"yes. that's exactly right, e."

Friday, April 11, 2008

With stories like this, kat's lil sis should start her own blog...

I lived in an apartment a few years ago that had a Polish couple living above it (their nationality isn’t important except for the fact that they fought a lot– loudly– and while I had to listen to their fights, I didn’t even get the gossipy goodness of knowing what they were about). Anyway, the guy worked the midnight shift and the woman would wait for his phone call around midnight (at least this is what I deduced from years of living below them without understanding a word they said). Then she would clean for hours afterward.

I was woken up by vacuuming right above my head at 1 a.m. I listened to her wash dishes and do other things that required hours of walking around her apartment (I once mentioned the early morning vacuuming to the super, who was kind of incredulous because he said they had a tiny apartment with stuff everywhere so he wasn’t sure what space they would even have to vacuum). When she wasn’t alone cleaning, they were together fighting or– on two separate occasions– allowing their toilet to overflow long enough that it seeped into my living room. Good times.

We have friends who live in a very nice neighborhood with huge, newly-built homes. But they seem to have lost the neighbor lottery. They live next door to a family with a bunch of young kids who are usually running around half-dressed, dirty and completely unsupervised. My friends arrived at their house, which was only a cement foundation at the time, to find the 2-year-old half-naked and playing alone, walking along the edge of the foundation (which had a 20-foot drop to a concrete floor on one side!) and generally amusing herself among the nails and other construction stuff. The friends were also witness to the kids having a bonfire in their backyard with minimal supervision by Dad (they watched the 2-year-old walk right up to the fire and throw various objects in without Dad batting an eye).

The bad neighbor stories came to mind this week when I got another call from kat’s lil sis that began with, “I have a funny story for the blog.” She and kat’s lil brother-in-law live next door to an odd couple that rarely said hello and who kept their children hidden from view (lil sis said she didn’t know they even had kids for the longest time). Anyway, kat’s lil bil saw a “For Sale” sign in front of the house one day and the husband packing things up. He tried to chat with the guy, but he would only give one-word answers.

Well, kat’s lil sis was walking through the neighborhood a few days later and saw the family’s vehicles at another house in the same neighborhood. A few days after that, lil sis and lil bil were walking their dogs when the family’s van came up the street and quickly turned into a (dead end) side street to avoid going by them. A few moments later, the van came back and turned away from them and took off.

Lil sis and lil bil recognized their former neighbor at the wheel and realized that she didn’t want them to know she still lives in the neighborhood. Well, they continued walking and after they had returned to their own street, lil sis turned around and watched the van drive by again, this time going to the street where the former neighbors live. They think the woman parked on a street a block over and waited for them to go down a side street before coming back to again avoid having to pass them.

This has left lil sis and lil bil a little paranoid about why the neighbors seem to be avoiding them at all costs. And, because she is my sister and has the family’s wicked sense of humor, it has also left lil sis scheming about ways to mess with these people. Ideas include lil bro asking the husband tons of questions about where they moved to, etc. (they work for the same company) and leaving a note in the new mailbox that says, “I know where you live” (OK, that one’s a little creepy). My idea was to leave an invitation addressed to them to a BBQ at lil sis and lil bil’s. That way, it’s not illegal or anything, but lets those weirdos know they aren’t getting away with anything. Either that, or put their own house up for sale and move next door to the former neighbors’ new house. Any other ideas?

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

what? it's not like i have matching bags for all of them.

we've talked a little bit about my shoes... so during a recent cleaning binge, i decided to lay them out and take a kind of inventory of what i have and shed out some pairs that i kept despite the fact that the heel was chipped, or the leather was cracked, etc.

granted, i have since purchased.. um... my granny shoes, a really cute reddish blackish pair of mary janes, and some bone and black slingbacks so perhaps this isn't a complete inventory.

i've also "found" a pair of brown and pink flat sling backs, a pair of olive green rounded toed pumps with cute little rhinestone buckle and my favorite kenneth cole pointy toed kitten heeled pumps -- all of which were buried under a pile of winter clothes that I haven't moved in about a year.

and there are a few pairs in my car that i keep "just in case" - a pair of peep toe black heels, and a pair of sexy bronze pumps with lacey cut outs on the side, and of course, a pair of sensible (but very cute!) ballet black flats.

and then there are some boots that i have for winter time that *of course* don't get put with the rest of my shoes.

none of these are pictured here, so the rest of my collection kind of looks like this....

the bronzy ones with the tassels and turquoise linings, are, btw, my favorites. via spigas with little kitten heels that make every outfit i own feel fabulous.

and here are my absolute favorites - my strappy enzo angiolini sandals. they're about six years old now -- i bought them prior to a weekend in boston with j when we were first dating. these are my go to shoes i tend to put on when i need a little confidence booster. i probably should get rid of them, but i just can't part with them.

so call me crazy, but i do really love my shoes.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Rug burn and groping-- just another night on the soccer field!

What's this? The knee of a 10-year-old boy?

Oh no, my friends. That's actually the knee of a 30-something-year-old woman who is too old for skinned knees. But I have one anyway.

An exciting night on the soccer field this week-- I was trying to stop a guy from shooting the ball and we hit the ball at the same time, then hit the ground at about the same time.

It was bad enough that I scraped my knee on the artificial turf as I went down, but I realized as we landed that I had my hand on a very high place on the guy's thigh. It was one of those things where I realized where my hand was, but could do nothing about it for a few seconds because we were both still kind of landing and then trying to get up.

I moved my hand as quickly as I could and I don't know if the guy realized what was happening (i.e. he was being felt up by a girl from the other team), but it was a little embarrassing nonetheless.

And for my next post, I will try to find a topic that DOESN'T make me sound like a whore!

Monday, April 07, 2008

not so much notes as ways to remember when you've had too many martinis...

we celebrated this weekend. we celebrated molly, we celebrated KAT's new job and we celebrated because that's what we do and who we are.

we are silly tipsy women who wear similar trench coats and rock star shades and drink chocolate martinis wee into the hours of 10 p.m. on a Saturday night. and make our husbands take 5 pictures of us until we have one we approve of.

and it's true. i took notes. more like -- quotes. but mostly because i was too tipsy to remember them if i didn't write them down. and rather than give you the details of the conversations, i've decided instead to give you just the quotes themselves:

KAT to j: "Go ahead. Make me cry."

the PH to j after j asking an inappropriate question: "We tried it once. Never again."

PH: "She grabbed my penis at the Easter table!"
KAT: "I didn't know it was his..."

SJ: "Are you going to outbid me, chaimp?
KAT: "What? Did you just call him a champ or a chimp?"
SJ: "It was a cross between champ and sailor."

the best story of the night, however, involved the PH's revelation that in his quest for condoms on the first night that he and KAT were spending together, he stopped by McDonald's to grab something to eat. Which he stopped to eat there.

PH: "I gave her up for a cheeseburger."

You KNOW it was a good weekend...

... when it involves one of the dogs looking like this:

I would tell you more about it, but some parts are a little hazy. And SJ was the one who took notes (yeah, I know, what a dork, huh?) so I'm going to let her fill in the details.

Friday, April 04, 2008

That would be one slippery act, what with all the lotion and all...

I have a relative who cannot spell to save her life. It drives me crazy, but it also proves to be highly entertaining at times. This week, the Pretend Husband and I went to see Cirque du Soleil. Today, she emailed to ask me about "Circus of Olay." I almost fell off my chair I was laughing so hard. I wish you could see inside my head right now-- the images are priceless.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

i have no reason to post this picture....

... other than to keep our streak of pictures of feet alive.

and i really love my new granny shoes.

they are, in actuality, in honor of my gramma, who is currently slipping away from us - and even in her dementia, she recognizes my feet - smiling and nodding at them. she said she liked my foos, but i know she meant shoes.

it's hard for me and my sisters to watch - our grandmother has always been a steady fixture in our lives, and now, with all of us into our 30s, i hear all the time how lucky i am that we still have her. and i know that and all, but it doesn't make it easier to have had all of this "extra time" that i've been told i've had.

as much as we try to prepare ourselves for inevitability, it seems like it still creeps up on you and punches you in the gut.

we think she had a stroke this weekend, because her speech has clearly been affected. hitherto, she's been vocal and remembers us all well enough, but now, she speaks in gibberish -- and what we believe is part polish and part english. she was in good spirits when i saw her the other day, but i know our time with her is coming to an end.

as i was trying to sort this out the other day, i was speaking to a good friend who's seen his share of loss, but maintains a fantastic attitude to live for the moment -- one that i would love to emulate. i told him that i couldn't imagine coming to the end of my life and not being able to communicate my thoughts.

so, i've endeavored to try and get as many thoughts out now as i can.

things i do when my husband isn't around...

what? this isn't odd. it would have been weird if i had bustled it...

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

The big reveal...

Am I the only one who dresses up for an appointment with her gynocologist?

Just kidding, I did have an interview this morning. Thanks for asking. How did it go? It went just fine actually.

I'm a little wary about posting details (I don't want to jinx anything...) but it went well. I should hear something in the next day or two and you will be the first to know the outcome (or perhaps the second because the Pretend Husband should probably be first...)

Ooooh, new shoes!

On a typical weekday, I leave the house looking something like this:

(I know, you're jealous of our wonderful green kitchen floor, aren't you?)

But TODAY, today, I'm leaving for an "appointment" looking more like this:

(Kick ass black heels, a pedicure, not looking like a schlub... oh yeah!)

Any guesses about my "appointment"? I will update later...