Thursday, April 03, 2008

i have no reason to post this picture....

... other than to keep our streak of pictures of feet alive.

and i really love my new granny shoes.

they are, in actuality, in honor of my gramma, who is currently slipping away from us - and even in her dementia, she recognizes my feet - smiling and nodding at them. she said she liked my foos, but i know she meant shoes.

it's hard for me and my sisters to watch - our grandmother has always been a steady fixture in our lives, and now, with all of us into our 30s, i hear all the time how lucky i am that we still have her. and i know that and all, but it doesn't make it easier to have had all of this "extra time" that i've been told i've had.

as much as we try to prepare ourselves for inevitability, it seems like it still creeps up on you and punches you in the gut.

we think she had a stroke this weekend, because her speech has clearly been affected. hitherto, she's been vocal and remembers us all well enough, but now, she speaks in gibberish -- and what we believe is part polish and part english. she was in good spirits when i saw her the other day, but i know our time with her is coming to an end.

as i was trying to sort this out the other day, i was speaking to a good friend who's seen his share of loss, but maintains a fantastic attitude to live for the moment -- one that i would love to emulate. i told him that i couldn't imagine coming to the end of my life and not being able to communicate my thoughts.

so, i've endeavored to try and get as many thoughts out now as i can.


FunnyGal KAT said...

Keep those thoughts coming!

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. I know she has been a presence in your life (and she's so cute, too!)

While my mom was sick with Alzheimer's disease, she had a high school friend battling Lou Gehrig's disease. The friend joked, "If you take M's body and my brain, you'd have a whole person." I often thought about which situation was worse. I guess it's different for everyone, but I think it would be terrible to be aware of what's going on, but not be able to communicate it.

Let's get together soon so I can give you a hug (and perhaps a chocolate martini!)

Srg said...

So sorry to hear about your grandma sj! As one who has no grandparents left and who's husband recently lost a grandparent, I know how you feel. We watched J's grandpa slip away from us very slowly and although it was painful, we were also very grateful to have had the extra time with him.

My only word of advice is - if you get the urge to do something and do it now, just go with it. Last year I put up our Xmas decorations before Thanksgiving arrived so that the house would look festive for Turkey Day. Something came over me and I had this crazy impulse to decorate, even though it seemed ridiculous to do it so early. Well that was the last time J's grandpa saw a Christmas tree - he passed away on Christmas morning. And I will forever remember the look on his face when he saw our tree and told me how pretty it was.

Anonymous said...

Your shoes are beautiful and I'm sorry about your grandma. I think you should spend as much time with your family and friends as you can, because you never know what the future holds. I wish I was there to have that chocolate martini with you and KAT.

Nancy said...

Hi sj - I've been meaning to stop by more frequently - I'd offer a good excuse, if I had one! I see your comments every now and then on Ray's blog and have the best of intentions to pay you a visit... but like so many good intentions, I'm afraid I got side-tracked.

So sorry to hear about your grandmother. Treasure the memories that only the two of you could weave, then wrap yourself up in it whenever things get you down... you'll discover an inner strengthtt you didn't know you posessed... It was the catalyst of your love and memories captured in a cloak of love.

And having said that... I hate to tell you.. but before I read your blog... all I saw was the picture... and all I could think of was...are you ready??? The Wizard of Oz! Nice shoes BTW!

Take Care,

sj said...

nancy- thank you so much for the kind words and fantastic optimism. i appreciate it so much.

also- thanks for stopping by! we hope you come by anytime you need a laugh -- our lives can usually supply them, although sometimes they're that kind of "funny at our expense" laughs, but we don't mind at all...

and *that* explains why so many people were threatening to pour water on me....