Thursday, December 31, 2009

I did it! I'm an aunt again!

Wait, what? Again with the whole, "How do you manage to make your sister having a baby all about you?" My response is, "Have you never read this blog? It's what I do."

Anyway, I did too do a lot to bring my second nephew (henceforth known as "the other cutest nephew in the world") into the world. I listened to kat's lil sis moan about being pregnant, last night I convinced her Peyton would be OK while she went to the hospital even if he is sick and miserable and I woke up at 3 a.m., 6 a.m. and 7 a.m. to text encouraging words to her (even if my "encouraging words" included, "Why are you texting? You have more important things to do!")

And so I take partial credit for the birth of Wyatt Thomas this morning at 8:02 a.m. (he's a New Year's Eve baby!) I have yet to see a photo. I hear he looks nothing like his brother, but everything like a kid I'm going to love just as much.

(The Wyatt Thomas link will take you to my sister's blog, where I posted the news-- but with different jokes-- and where you can leave congratulations if you'd like)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Kind of like a holiday newsletter, but with a lot less bragging and a little more laughter

I'm still getting back into the swing of things at work and haven't been able to come up with one holiday story that summed up the whole experience, so you get some tidbits from the entire celebration. Think of it like a huge platter of Christmas cookies and you can pick and choose between all the good ones...

* Speaking of Christmas cookies, I baked my butt off in the week before Christmas. I was just in the mood to do it. Plus, I got SJ to agree she could concentrate on cooking and would take half of the cookies I made, so that gave me even more incentive. After all our holiday parties, filled with platters of peanut butter balls, sugar cookies, corn flake wreaths, molasses cookies, Hershey kiss peanut butter cookies and Galaxy Cookies, we headed over to SJ's house for Boxing Day festivities. I had two thoughts: "Thank goodness someone else is hosting" and "I'm so ready for some different cookies!" Then I walked into SJ's dining room to find a platter of... because I had done SJ's baking... peanut butter balls, sugar cookies, corn flake wreaths, molasses cookies, Hershey kiss peanut butter cookies and Galaxy Cookies.

* After spending Christmas Eve Day cleaning our house and getting it set up to have 11 people at Christmas dinner, we ended up with 12. I quietly set another place for the guest we had invited but kat's lil bro didn't tell me was coming because I didn't want her to feel unwelcome or uncomfortable. But lil bro let the cat out of the bag by loudly telling her, "They didn't know you were coming!" Despite my best efforts, Christmas dinner was a little uncomfortable for everyone.

* At the end of Christmas Day, after a full day of eating, drinking, opening presents, talking and cleaning, the Pretend Sister-in-Law and I took the dogs for a walk. We got home and I thought, "I can't wait to go to bed." I thought it was almost 9 p.m. Yeah, it was only 6:30. I managed to stay up for a couple more hours... but just barely.

* I got a Snuggie for Christmas (you know, that fleece blanket/robe). Except it's a knock-off Snuggie that doesn't actually close in the back. So it's basically a blanket with two arms sewed onto it. And it feels like a hospital gown because I'm constantly trying to keep it closed in back.

* New slogan in the FunnyGal Kat household: It's not Christmas until one of the dogs is wearing antlers.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

He's lucky he's cute...

This morning, I was talking about a piece of mail that was delivered to our house by mistake and noticed it had one of those return address labels with the stick figures of the family and their names. I read them out loud to the Pretend Husband, telling him the Jones family included Dad John, Mom Laurie and Timmy, Leroy and El Gato.

Not realizing those last two names belonged to the family's dog and cat, the PH responded, "I bet I can guess which one is adopted."

Monday, December 21, 2009

Because marriage is not all love and roses (sometimes it entails discussions of bathroom functions...)

My brother warned the Pretend Husband about the meat sauce. He told him that it was delicious, but he would be burping and-- ahem-- farting for quite a while after eating it. Which, as I can attest after getting into bed with the PH last night-- is entirely true.

Kat's lil bro text messaged the PH this morning to see if they were both experiencing the same symptoms and the answer was "yes." Which didn't stop the PH from having more of the meat sauce for lunch today. Which then led to the PH sending me this email:
Don't yell at me... By the time you see me tonight, there will be buffalo wings and meat sauce brewing. So, if it is an unpleasant evening, it is not my fault.

It so happens that someone gave me a box of chocolates today. And the chocolates were sugar-free (which I've heard can mess with one's gastrointestinal system) AND they seemed a bit old. So I sent an email back to the PH warning him my stomach might not be right either. (We are so romantic, aren't we?)

His response was: That's ok. I will shoot an email to the dogs and give them the heads up. It is only fair.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Getting into the holiday spirit

It doesn't feel like Christmas. Yet. I'm working on getting into the right mood. I'm taking a look around to try and figure out what needs to be done so I can relax and enjoy the holiday. From what I've figured out so far, I need a little less of this...

And a lot more of this...

Monday, December 14, 2009

With apologies to SJ, who has heard this story a dozen times since it happened (but wouldn't you tell it a lot too?)

I was helping out at my church on Friday night when I had the chance to meet the father of one of the members in the youth group I lead. Upon meeting me, he started to talk about how great it is that someone so young is leading the group and how the kids can relate to me a lot better than they can relate to someone older, etc. Then he stopped and asked my age. When I told him I'm 33, he got a shocked look on his face and said, "I thought you were 22!"

A few minutes later, he didn't seem to be paying attention to what I was saying and said, "I'm sorry. I can't get over the fact that you're 33." Yeah, that pretty much made my year right there.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

No longer a Tiger... now he's a cheetah*

At this point, it might just be easier to count the women who *haven't* slept with Tiger Woods. The line forms behind me as I am not a porn star, an attention whore, a cocktail waitress or someone who would fool around with a married man.

*The joke in the title isn't mine. I wish it was, but I have to give credit to SJ's husband, J, for that one (and I think he heard it from someone else anyway)

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Breaking up is hard to do (or: Let me go, AT&T, you're causing a scene...)

Forget the reputation used car salesmen have; it's the AT&T salesmen you have to look out for. The Pretend Husband and I bought iPhones in June and, while I LOVE my phone and all it's spectacular features (it delivers my email, keeps my calendar, has tons of games, strokes my hair at night when I'm having trouble sleeping...) the sole company that provides service for it sucks.

I'm at my wit's end after six months of fighting with this stupid company. The PH was on the phone with its customer service people for over an hour last night and very little has been accomplished. Basically, we were promised a bunch of discounts and special plans and a monthly charge that would have been only slightly higher than what we were paying for our still-in-the-dark-ages-doesn't-access-the-Internet phones from another provider when we bought the phones and switched our service. And after six months of various store managers and customer service reps crediting our account and promising us the discount would surely kick in on the very next bill, we were told last night we don't actually qualify for that discount. And, oh sorry, I'm sure it's frustrating but there's nothing we can do except give you the discount for a few more months to shut you up and then make sure you spend the rest of your contract spending twice what you did with your previous provider.

The PH then tried to break up with AT&T, telling them they were not honest with us about the terms of our contract and the fees we would be charged, but they are trying to get us to cough up more than $400 for the privilege. Why won't you let us go, AT&T? It's not you, it's me. I've changed and I realize I need to look out for my own needs. I'm sure you'll find someone (to sucker into an expensive cell phone plan).

I hate to badmouth a company, especially one that I realize has had to downsize recently and has probably lost a lot of good employees (apparently, the ones who actually knew what was going on and how to help their customers...) But I figured it's my duty. It's like if I saw you walking down the street with my ex-boyfriend who was a real jerk and I pulled you into the women's room to warn you about him.

So, you can date AT&T if you want to. But you should know that when I began my relationship with them, they made all sorts of promises. We were happy for awhile but then I got sick of AT&T not being there for me when I needed them (to apply the discount they promised). After many late-night phone calls and tears from me, I've decided it's time to end our relationship. No, AT&T, don't make this harder than it needs to be. Don't worry about bringing me a box of the things I left at your house and I won't worry about paying the ridiculous fees you're asking for.

And I would say we could still be friends, but I don't think that's going to go over too well with the new love in my life-- Verizon.

Friday, December 04, 2009

How the PH locked up the Best Husband Award for 2009...

The night before my birthday, the Pretend Husband asked if I was going to stay up until midnight to mark the start of my birthday. I looked at him funny and said, "No. Because I'm not 10 anymore." When I headed to bed, he was staying up to play video games, but said he would wake me at 12. Which I thought was weird, especially because I already had my one birthday gift, a purse I had picked out myself. So I told him he had better not wake me up without at least giving me a card (to which he asked me if we had any blank cards in the house he could write in...)

I fell asleep around 11 and, lo and behold, an hour later, he turned on the lights and the radio in our bedroom and yelled, "Happy birthday!" Then he handed me my Christmas stocking (yeah, I'm not sure of the connection, either...) and told me to open it. Inside was a small, wrapped box. And inside the box was an awesome piece of jewelry. For my birthday. From my husband. The husband who told me I could have either a purse or an electric toothbrush for my birthday, but not both, because we need to cut back.

And the story was the best. He remembered how I had mentioned more than a year prior that I had always wanted a certain piece of jewelry. Then he called my sister to talk about it (thanks for giving him the green light, lil sis. Feel free to do that anytime jewelry is involved!) Then he went to four or five stores until he found the exact right thing. And he got the gift on sale (that scores big points with me).

And the best part? He said he was so excited to give me the gift that that's why he stayed up until midnight and then woke me up. Because he didn't want to wait until the morning to see my reaction. I mean, who needs jewelry when your husband is so awesome? (Although, don't get me wrong, the jewelry is pretty nice, too...)

Thursday, December 03, 2009

A Birthday Ode for My Best Friend and Co-Blogger

An Ode to KAT - in honor of her BIRTHDAY!
(sung to the tune of … well. You’ll probably figure it out)

You’re a great one, K-A-T.
You really are a pal.
You're as wonderful as chocolate,
You're better than my ex-boyfriend Sal.

You're a lovely lady
With medium-length auburn hair!

You're a sweetheart, K-A-T.
But your red sweater has some pills.
Your brain is full of facts,
You've got mad editorial skillz,

But I still wouldn't hug you, with a
thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.

You're amazing, K-A-T...
You have ice cream in your freezer!
You have all the best Wii games
Of a techno ubernerd.

Given the choice between you and the PH as a setback partner
I'd know what to do!

You're just awesome, K-A-T.
You're a fun and crazy treat.
Your fridge is full of taco salad
And you make yummy, melty fudge.

Three words that can describe you,
are, and I quote: "Doesn’t Eat Meat."

You're my bestie, K-A-T.
You're the queen of shenanigans.
You’re always up for plots
But you hate bread with moldy spoots,

Your soul is an amazing, generous glowing bird
with the most colorful plumage imaginable,
Combined with polka-dot high heel boots.

You make me laugh! K-A-T,
And yes, you do eat chicken and turkey.
But if you could, you’d live on Dairy Queen,

You're a Chocolate Explosion blizzard,
With a Friendly’s Frend-zee
With extra peanut butter AND chocolate sauce!!

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Behold, the power of the magic blog!

I knew this blog was awesome, but even I didn't realize the full extent of its power. It grants wishes! It's true.

A little while ago, I mentioned my dilemma of having to choose between a purse and an electric toothbrush for my upcoming birthday. After mentioning it on the blog, I went out to choose my birthday purse (because there's *no way* the Pretend Husband would ever try to choose one for me) and figured maybe I'd buy an electric toothbrush later.

But, then, a package arrived in the mail from Kat's lil sis yesterday, bestowing upon me an electric toothbrush for my birthday! A purse and an electric toothbrush! I'm living large this year!

So, given that I now realize the power of the blog, I think I would be remiss if I didn't remind the blog about my birthday and just mention that I have a pair of heels I have an eye on and could use some new drapes for the family room (you know, just in case it works...)