Sixteen months after giving birth, I became a parent

After months of raising FunnyKid, middle-of-the-night feedings, kisses for bumped foreheads and more diaper changes than I can count, what finally earned me the title of parent? This.


The Pretend Husband and I had been patting ourselves on the back that we had finished Christmas shopping for FunnyKid and hadn't gone overboard. We had discussed getting him a Cozy Coupe, but figured we could get it for his birthday next summer. Then, while picking up some groceries at a warehouse club the other night, we spotted it. And it was cheaper than we had seen it anywhere else. And, despite my fears that having one more big gift under the tree will turn my sweet boy into a spoiled brat, we bought it.

And then I tried to assemble it. Pulling the large plastic pieces out of the box at 10 p.m., I thought, "how hard can this be?" Ha! Picture me two hours later, sweating and cursing because I'm still not finished and it's impossible to tell from the drawings which part is pictured and how does this thing fit? I had to view on-line video instructions and pull out a drill in order to get most of the way done.

It was after midnight, and long after the PH had gone to bed, when I got to the part of the instructions where you need two people to finish the stupid thing. That's when I abandoned the project and went to bed, knowing I still have a couple of days to get it done.

FunnyKid is going to LOVE the cozy coupe and I know that seeing the joy on his face is going to erase any dark memories I have of putting the stupid thing together, but remind me next year to start assembling his gifts well before Christmas Eve because they are never as easy to assemble as they look. Oh, and when you remind me, call me "Mom." I've earned it.

Me and my third world problems...

We're all familiar with my love of couponing, my insistence I get the best deal and a sense of competition I don't necessarily leave on the soccer field when the game is over, right? Well, I would hereby like to welcome myself to the frenzy known as "Parents Go Insane Trying To Get The Most Popular Toys For Their Precious Wittle Wonderful Ones (2011)." And if you think having a 15-month-old means I'm not vying for the really serious electronic stuff, let me remind you that I am a very popular aunt and intend to remain that way.

Hence, there have been some late night eBay sessions in which I put all my super secret skills to work (if the bids are climbing by 25-cent increments, I'm not above having my high bid end in .34. Oh wait, everyone does that? It's a not-so-secret strategy? Nevermind then.) And while I haven't stooped so low that I've pulled the pepper spray out of my purse and gone crazy on my competitors (uh, I mean "fellow shoppers"), I'm not above whispered conversations on my cell phone to confirm I just spotted *the* hottest toy of the season ("there's four of them. Should I buy all four?") (I didn't buy all four-- I let some old guy who claimed it was for his grandkids get in on the action).

And this is just the beginning. I have a kid at the age where he would love climbing into the box the toy came in as much as playing with the toy itself (if not more-- boxes are a big draw around here). Can you imagine what I'll be like when I'm doing it for real and the stakes are having a disappointed child shouting that he hates me on Christmas Day because I didn't get him whatever toy he and every other child in the United States wanted? Yeah, I'm kind of scared of me too.

I asked for a toilet for Mother's Day-- because I'm just oh-so-sentimental and all

I asked my husband and FunnyKid for a toilet for Mother's Day. I mean, it's not that romantic a gift, but it's something we need and I would use it everyday. Definitely more practical than sentimental. And, although it's a silly gift and something I probably would have killed the Pretend Husband for buying me if I didn't ask for it, I would have been thrilled to come home to a brand new, comfort-height toilet that flushes on command and doesn't need me to jiggle the handle in a certain way or open up the top every three uses.

Luckily, the PH didn't listen to me and my practicality. Instead of a toilet, he and FunnyKid picked out a beautiful ring with FunnyKid's birthstone for my first Mother's Day. Which I don't need and I won't wear everyday, but I love it (and the meaning and thoughtfulness behind it) about a million times more than I would a toilet. This is one of those times I'm thankful that the PH didn't listen to me and splurged on something I don't need, but absolutely love.

And to prove that the PH has a practical side too, my card from him promises the installation of a clothesline to replace the drying rack I've been using to dry our laundry outside. A sentimental AND practical husband-- how did I get so lucky?

This Christmas is different.

There are very few presents under our tree for me, both because the Pretend Husband and I agreed not to exchange gifts and because I feel like 2010 has given me everything I need. I started crying in church this afternoon watching the joy on FunnyKid's face as his father made faces to keep him entertained.

A warm home, an abundance of food, a loving husband, generous family and friends, success in business and a baby with the chubbiest cheeks you've ever seen. It doesn't get much better than that.

Happy holidays to you and yours. May you get everything you want-- and not necessarily wrapped up under the tree.

Scenes from Mother's Day

* I had a bet with a coworker that the Pretend Husband would not mark Mother's Day in any way, thinking I'm not yet a mother (and I kind of agree with that thinking). But a bunch of people told the PH to wish me a happy Mother's Day and he got nervous. He came home and said, "I don't have to do anything for Mother's Day, do I?" I replied, "You use your best judgment." He knows the code, so of course he had to do something to mark the day.

* I had breakfast in bed delivered to me. And by "breakfast," I am referring to a day-old doughnut and a bottle of water because the PH couldn't find the decaf coffee. But I'm not complaining-- it was very "him."

* The PH was soooo proud of the card he picked out for me, which wished the mother-to-be a happy Mother's Day. He was even more proud that, standing in a group of 30 guys facing a rack of only 20 cards left, he found the perfect one and grabbed it before anyone else (ah, that competitive spirit). He was so proud of it, he even read it out loud to me after I had read it to myself. It was sweet to see. Then I opened the mail from the day before and discovered kat's lil sis had sent the same card. The PH called her up and gave her all kinds of grief about how, of all the cards in the store, she had to choose the same one he did.

* I decided I really wanted Mexican food yesterday and only a certain chain restaurant would do. As we set off for the only one in the state, the PH and I discussed how crowded we thought the restaurant would be-- he was sure there would be a wait and I thought most people were going to take Mom out to somewhere nicer. So we bet on it, wagering-- uh-- something married couples sometimes wager. I won and quickly sent off a text message to kat's lil sis announcing my victory: "We got right in and had our choice of tables. Don't call us around 3-- I'll be collecting my prize!"

* We decided to finish up the day by preparing for the Funny Kid. We touched up the paint in the nursery and then made plans to go out and pick up the crib we chose. After running through the store-- the PH told me he was proud of me for keeping the trip short-- we decided we would go home, have dinner together and assemble the crib before going to bed. That was before we found out the crib wasn't in stock. Because of a complicated thing involving a discount only if we bought a bunch of stuff in the same day, our night instead included us driving 40 minutes to another store-- grabbing fast food on the way-- and rushing home to feed our very hungry dogs before trying to get some work done and falling into bed at midnight. Ah well, if that doesn't prepare me for the kiddo, I'm not sure what will.

(Feel free to debate whether I deserved to celebrate Mother's Day. I'm kind of on the fence because I haven't even done the hard work yet. But still, I'm not complaining about a day of taking it easy and getting pampered by the PH!)

Oh my God, it's twins!

At least I have an explanation for my huge appearance in that last photo, but I'm still kind of freaking out about how we're going to handle this one.

We went to the doctor this morning and she found a second heartbeat. There was some explanation about how they could have missed it the first two times we heard the heartbeat, but I'm kind of in shock and can't remember what it is.

We have an ultrasound scheduled next week to confirm it, but the doctor is 99 percent certain there are two big-headed kids in there. The Pretend Husband keeps talking about how much more expensive it's going to be to get double the baby stuff, double the clothing as they grow and double the college tuition, but all I can think about it when I'm ever going to sleep again with two babies needing to eat, be changed, etc.

Oh, and one more thing.....

(scroll down)

April Fools. (Apparently, I am just that huge with only one kid in there)

Kind of like a holiday newsletter, but with a lot less bragging and a little more laughter

I'm still getting back into the swing of things at work and haven't been able to come up with one holiday story that summed up the whole experience, so you get some tidbits from the entire celebration. Think of it like a huge platter of Christmas cookies and you can pick and choose between all the good ones...

* Speaking of Christmas cookies, I baked my butt off in the week before Christmas. I was just in the mood to do it. Plus, I got SJ to agree she could concentrate on cooking and would take half of the cookies I made, so that gave me even more incentive. After all our holiday parties, filled with platters of peanut butter balls, sugar cookies, corn flake wreaths, molasses cookies, Hershey kiss peanut butter cookies and Galaxy Cookies, we headed over to SJ's house for Boxing Day festivities. I had two thoughts: "Thank goodness someone else is hosting" and "I'm so ready for some different cookies!" Then I walked into SJ's dining room to find a platter of... because I had done SJ's baking... peanut butter balls, sugar cookies, corn flake wreaths, molasses cookies, Hershey kiss peanut butter cookies and Galaxy Cookies.

* After spending Christmas Eve Day cleaning our house and getting it set up to have 11 people at Christmas dinner, we ended up with 12. I quietly set another place for the guest we had invited but kat's lil bro didn't tell me was coming because I didn't want her to feel unwelcome or uncomfortable. But lil bro let the cat out of the bag by loudly telling her, "They didn't know you were coming!" Despite my best efforts, Christmas dinner was a little uncomfortable for everyone.

* At the end of Christmas Day, after a full day of eating, drinking, opening presents, talking and cleaning, the Pretend Sister-in-Law and I took the dogs for a walk. We got home and I thought, "I can't wait to go to bed." I thought it was almost 9 p.m. Yeah, it was only 6:30. I managed to stay up for a couple more hours... but just barely.

* I got a Snuggie for Christmas (you know, that fleece blanket/robe). Except it's a knock-off Snuggie that doesn't actually close in the back. So it's basically a blanket with two arms sewed onto it. And it feels like a hospital gown because I'm constantly trying to keep it closed in back.

* New slogan in the FunnyGal Kat household: It's not Christmas until one of the dogs is wearing antlers.

Getting into the holiday spirit

It doesn't feel like Christmas. Yet. I'm working on getting into the right mood. I'm taking a look around to try and figure out what needs to be done so I can relax and enjoy the holiday. From what I've figured out so far, I need a little less of this...

And a lot more of this...

Happy ThanksChristmasGiving, everyone!

So, I hope you're not really jealous, Internet, that KAT and I now live within a really long and exhausting but not so far that it's not doable walking distance from each other.

How amazing is that, right? And only slightly further from us is the lovely and amazing home improvement mistress of all that is power tool related: SRG.

It's fabulous, I tell you. Every day I come home from work and am struck a) by how freaking dark it is and b) by the fact that I have a coat closet.

And, as of Saturday, a WASHER AND DRYER that SING TO ME. Oh yes.

It's the little things, folks. I've been forbidden from doing all of the updating I really want to do - which is mainly, things like paint, new light fixtures and carpet. It's not like I'm knocking down walls like we did last time. And I'm totally on board with taking our time re: furniture and such.

But don't make a girl stare at ugly brass fixtures for too long. Or this:

Ugliest crown molding you ever did see. I am itching to paint, but I'm forbidden until we can fully agree on.. everything.

Which is sad for me, because it obviously means I'm never going to paint. Woe to me.

But not really sad woe. Because I still have room to put up three Christmas trees during this week of ThanksChristmasgiving. And for that, and a thousand other things that have to do with my new house, my awesome friends and family that helped me unpack, I am eternally grateful.

And for those of you that are wondering, the dinner count stands at:
me and J over KAT's house the night before closing
KAT and the PH coming over Friday to help us unpack and celebrate
dinner with the KAT and PH on Sunday
and then dinner at their house again on Wednesday (we didn't get our new oven yet, and KAT obviously missed us)
KAT and the PH over our house yesterday to celebrate the new oven.
And we have plans for going over there on Wednesday.

Also, we may or may not have met them at Target and we may or may not have also had ice cream with them on Saturday night. For dinner.

With all of this increase in the social calendar, our neighborhood shall be revitalized in no time. Although, since I have yet to see a neighbor, I wonder if they realize that they're in need of revitalization?

Just you wait, B-town. KAT and sj are coming with crockpots to a neighborhood near you.

Taking all the fun out of Halloween with my whiny recap

* I worked on Halloween night. Which means while all of you were dressing up, handing out candy, going to parties and generally enjoying the holiday, I was reading news about how traffic fatalities increase when Halloween falls on a weekend, how people could guard against getting the swine flu from trick-or-treaters (put candy into the kids' bags yourself instead of letting them reach into the bowl...) and how to clean up your property to avoid having people hurt themselves and then sue. It kind of took the fun out of the day.

* My dad and the Pretend Husband manned our door, handing out candy to the 20 kids who braved the weather, the swine flu and our treacherous yard to make it to them. But they were rewarded because we handed out full size candy bars this year. Congrats to us for avoiding having our house or cars egged for at least the next year!

* The PH was the one who answered the door while Dad tried to keep the dogs wrangled. My dad commented that the PH was great with the kids, chatting with them and complimenting them on their costumes. Since that doesn't exactly sound like the PH, I asked him about it and he said, "I told them, 'Here you go' when I gave them the candy and then told them to have a good night." Not exactly stellar conversation.

* My sister had 250 trick-or-treaters visit her house! She had originally been prepared for 100 but luckily heard from a neighbor that the neighborhood is a popular one, so she ran out and had enough candy for everyone who showed up. At one point, she opened her door to 40 costumed lined up from the road to her porch!

* What is the deal with parents who collect candy? Kat's lil sis said she had at least five mothers who pointed to their six-month-olds sitting in strollers and said, "I'm collecting candy for them." Um, no. Be honest. And buy your own candy.

Because I'm no (April) fool!

I was planning on writing up a post about the awesome April Fool's joke I was going to play on the Pretend Husband... and was even going to illustrate it with photos. But we got in a fight over the phone while we were each driving home from work, so I didn't think it would be a good time to pull a prank on him (letting sleeping lions lie and all that...)

But here's what I would have done... When we finally got to move all of our stuff into our new kitchen, I quickly realized there was no pen and paper on which to write down messages. So, I put a Post-It note pad and a pen in the large drawer that had a big divider to hold all our silverware, as well as random items like can openers, wine openers, etc. I must specify that each thing had it's own little compartment and I didn't think it was a big deal.

Well, the PH was not happy when he saw it. He took the pen and paper out, grousing about how I was trying to turn it into a junk drawer and it starts with a pen and paper and quickly turns into more pens and more paper and then other stuff until what was the silverware drawer is filled with junk, blah, blah, blah. I kept putting the pen and paper back in the drawer until I think he conceded defeat (as long as it's just one pen and one notepad).

So, after talking with my friend Flora the other night (who has been my partner in crime for many, many years and had been planning a prank of her own on her husband), I decided to turn the silverware drawer into a mini office. Pens, paper, scissors, paperclips, rubber bands, Wite-Out... I was even thinking of putting my laptop in the drawer. And, then, of course, I would have asked the PH to grab me a fork. It would have been awesome.

Am I the only one with an anal retentive spouse? I swear, the man will put up with a bathroom that would give germaphobes a heart attack, but will flip out over the number of items on the bathroom counter or a pen and paper in the silverware drawer. Oh, and don't even get me started about putting magnets on the fridge. It might lead to divorce.

Cruelest April Fool's Joke Ever

.... was my friend @jackmonson making me think it was Friday.

Jack is mean.

That is all.

A Day Late, but Happy St. Patrick's Day from Heidi.. er... SJ

what. like you don't dress up in your kitchen like this?

come on. quit lyin'.

Don't be a hater, yo

Oh man, all you single people are going to be soooo jealous when you hear how awesome married life is! I mean, you might be feeling like your Valentine's Day plans to go out to dinner with a group of friends or rent sappy movies and eat ice cream are lame, but wait until you hear what the Pretend Husband has planned for us. We are going to spend all of Valentine's Day... are you ready for this?.... are you sure?.... here goes... cleaning out the garage!

OK, settle down, he's mine and you can't have him. Before the PH finds out I'm mocking him on the blog, I'll be fair and tell you all that we agreed not to do anything special for Valentine's Day this year... well, except wait until all the candy goes on clearance and then stuff ourselves full of chocolate-- that's romantic, isn't it?

And the cleaning out the garage plans aren't that lame because they mean our renovation is almost over! The majority of our furniture has been stacked in the garage since our family and friends put it there on moving day and we've been living out of boxes ever since. We've been slowly moving things into the house as we finish different rooms, but this will be the last of what we need (except the kitchen stuff, but don't ask me about that unless you're ready to pick up the pieces of brain after my head explodes in frustration...)

And the best part? Cleaning all the stuff out of the garage means we'll be able to park our cars in there. No more chipping ice off the windshield, no more frozen bottles of water on the front seat, no more risking my life to skate across the driveway to my car. Yay! So, actually, I guess the PH is giving me a usable garage for Valentine's Day which, if I'm honest, is way better than flowers and a card anyway.

Remember when... a look back at 2008

You know those end of the year wrap-ups that look back on the best of the year or the worst of the year or who died this year or the biggest news stories of the year? It’s cheesy, right? Actually, I’m totally addicted to them, dudes. I looooove those things. Even the obituary listings of those who died in the past year. There’s just something about having everything neatly organized and the chance to look back on an entire year all at once.

So, here’s [drum roll, please] FunnyGals Look Back at The Year That Was 2008. [trumpets sound here, please] I mean, you could just read back through our archives and see what happened to us. Or you could let me do it for you (dudes, I even took notes while doing it!)

2008 saw a bajillion new babies in our group of friends and family. SJ and I each got shiny, new nephews this year (SJ added to her set while mine is a stand-alone for now). And every single one of our friends gave birth (OK, perhaps not every single one, but sometimes it feels like it!)

12 new hairstyles for SJ and at least three different colors for her luxurious locks. Thank goodness she keeps her stylish glasses the same type or I would be in danger of not recognizing her.

One… that’s the number of times I convinced SJ to hug me this year. She has this weird thing where she hugs all the rest of her friends, her family members, the mailman, most of her coworkers and the first person who walks into the room after a Hallmark commercial is on TV… and she still gets weird about hugging me. We’re going to work on that in 2009.

SJ joined Facebook, MySpace, eHarmony, Linkedin, Wikipedia and any other networking site that would have her. Everyone in the world is her friend on one site or another. Oh, except me. Because I belong to exactly zero of those sites. I leave the technical stuff to her.

While SJ’s collections were limited to hairstyles and shoes, KAT collected jobs and houses in 2008. Right now, the collections stand at two houses and five jobs for 2008, but there are still a couple hours left in the year so that could change at any minute.

Injuries were at a minimum this year and it’s possible SJ had the least number of trips to the emergency room since she was 3 (although I suspect she may be keeping ER trip stories from me for fear I will wrap her in bubble wrap and never let her out of my sight). But 2008 kept its hands to itself for the most part with some soccer bruises for KAT, a twisted ankle for SJ and an attack from an angry underwire in SJ’s bra. But, still, a pretty good year.

And we should remember 2008 as the year SJ rocked the Pilates while KAT rocked the… uh… Casbah.

This number isn’t exact, but it is suspected SJ baked 92 dozen cupcakes this year. That is A LOT of cupcakes—no surprise my favorites were the ice cream cone cupcakes for my birthday (although the amount of icing on those Christmas tree ones may have edged out the ice cream cones if I had the chance to try one—my thighs are glad I didn’t)

I won't try to put a number on it, but we made a lot of new blog friends this year and-- even more importantly-- racked up the numbers on our site counter (just kidding). My bookmarks no longer fit on one page and I have stopped doing any work in an effort to keep up with everyone's blogs.

And the last part of our countdown has to be the martinis consumed (although I’m still unsure whether I should count the ones from the night before Thanksgiving that got, uh, “sent back”?) Among the highlights are the Snickers, the Chocolate Mint, the White Chocolate, that purple one, that fruity blue one SJ got, the Little Red Corvette, that other chocolate one and finally, those chocolate ones I made for the PH.

It was good, it was bad, it was sometimes ugly, but I think it’s safe to say SJ and I lived the crap out of 2008. Here’s hoping you can say the same. Happy New Year, everyone!

A Year in Review Part 1: Movies, Books and Music

It's no secret that I hated 2008. But, it wasn't all horrific. Just mostly.

But I was inspired by another blog I read to come up with a few top picks for the year, and while that forum features things written by professional entertainment writers, I'm going to go with things that entertained SJ, that may not have actually occurred in 2008, but are things that this late-bloomer happened to have caught in 2008.

Without further ado.

Top Movies 2008
3) Mamma Mia - Stop laughing at me. Seriously? I know it was cheese. I know people don't usually burst out into song (actually, I have been known to do this on rare occasions. Or not so rare. I may just do it sporadically throughout the day). The cheese factor made it, for me, the feel good movie of the year.
2) The Dark Knight - It was dark and scary, and much anticipated. I loved it. But not as much as I loved:
1) Iron Man - I'm not usually an action person. But I *Loved* this movie and Robert Downey Jr. in all his hot sarcasticness. I loved it like I love Russell Stover's Dark Chocolate assortment.

Top Albums 2008
How impossible is it for me to choose albums? Completely impossible. I'm not even sure if these came out in 2008, but they are my favorite newish albums that I just started listening to this year.
3) Promised Land by Dar Williams. Not my favorite album by her ("Mortal City" is), but I love her dearly and her fantastic lyrics and light airy voice. So. There.
2) With You by Natalie Walker. I just discovered her this year, and have been happily listening to her albums all year long. The title track on this album makes me happy to listen to.
1) Sorry. This is definitely not 2008. But. Nina Simone: Anthology. Rarely do I sit and listen to an entire album over and over again. This is one that I do.

Top Books read in 2008
These didn't come out in 2008. Sorry. I just read them this year.
3) The Wreckage by Michael Crummey. Sad and beautiful. Hard to find because he's from Newfoundland. But it's worth the Amazon pickup.
2) The Last Night At the Lobster by Stewart O'Nan. I picked up his books this year in an effort to find a local author that I could swap with my friend from Newfoundland. Ergo, I found O'Nan and read this on the train to and fro NYC. It's a quick read and a lovely read.
1) Ever year I read a classic that I missed. This year's choice, and coincidentally, my favorite book of the year: A Prayer for Owen Meany.

So I guess 2008 wasn't terribly bad, as far as entertainment goes. I'm sure there are many (ahem, Pat. Pat's anonymous commenter, KAT, j) that would disagree with me. And I'd love to hear your choices, as well.

What about you? Favorite book/movie/album?

Merry Christmas with love and a crapload of frosting...

...And to all a good night.

May your Christmas be filled with peace, joy, love, family, friends, fun, hope... and plenty of holiday "spirits!"

Thank you for stopping by our little corner of the Internet this year and keeping us company, reading up on our antics and (justifiably) making fun of us for the aforementioned antics. Have a wonderful holiday, friends!

Amish Friendship Struggles.

Note: We were super bloggers yesterday and posted not once, but TWICE. check it, dudes. So you know. In case you missed our discussion re: bad Christmas carols and changing sheets, scroll down, please, and let us know your thoughts.

i have one of those breads at home. you know the kind. the kind that lives in a plastic bag in dough form and smells like wine, but is, in fact, yeasty dough? it's like chain-pastry. you get one, you add stuff randomly over 10 days, and then you give it to four of your frenemies?

that one.

and technically i was supposed to bake it yesterday. but i didn't have the bags required to break it down. so i'm going to bake it on day 11. do you think that's okay?

i bet it is. and although i know how yummy this bread is, i'm not at all tempted to keep another starter for myself, because i know this means you get suckered into baking bread every 10 days.

damned tricky amish.

Come share too much information about your personal hygiene!

It's group participation time again, kids. This time, I'm doing a little poll and the question is, how often do you change your sheets? C'mon, don't be shy! Once a week? Once a month? Once a year? The question came up last night while the Pretend Husband and I were changing the sheets on our bed. I will only reveal how long the sheets had been on our bed if we get at least six responses to this poll (don't get too excited, we've only been living in the house for a few months so it's not like I last changed them in February or something!)

On a completely unrelated note... Last night, while the PH and I were in the car, that song called "Christmas Shoes" came on. It's all about a poor boy who wants to buy some shoes for his mom for Christmas so she'll look pretty "if she meets Jesus tonight." Yup, the kid's mom is dying and he wants to get her one last Christmas gift that will make her smile... and I started laughing and couldn't stop. In my defense, it's because of how cheesy the song is and I have something about songs about mundane things (musicals totally crack me up because instead of saying something in three words, people sing about them in at least 30). Yes, I'm a terrible person (but at least I change my sheets regularly!)