Tuesday, August 31, 2010

One born... one still cooking...

First off, let me just publicly reiterate that KAT and the PH make a damn fine looking kid, if I do say so.

Between the squishy baby cheeks and the little kissy face, he's really quite adorable. Which is perfect, you realize, because obviously, I'm excited to have such a cute son-in-law.

As KAT and the PH adjust to life with the newborn, J and I have been extremely busy finding goats, getting deeds to our tract of land, going through our Wii games, etc. You know. All to arrange the dowry.

The only problem I foresee is that instead of having a sweet little baby girl, my womb appears to be occupied right now by a very large starfish.

It's the only way I can explain feeling simultaneous kicks to both of my ribs and my groin at the same time. We've ruled out twins, thanks to some very active, very thorough ultrasounds. But at some point since then, my child has obviously morphed into an exoskeletal sea creature.

I am starting to get a little anxious as my impending due date approaches, of course. Particularly after my doctor announced at my last appointment that my baby seems to be going through ANOTHER growth spurt. (At one point, she said "Whoa. That is the head.") I'm taking it in stride though. Perhaps she'll settle down a bit... relax. Maybe slow the growth a bit so she's not, you know, a toddler at delivery.

But, the FunnyKid has inspired us to move along our baby preparedness efforts so that little FunnyGirl can have a place to lay her tiny head.

Note: chandelier installed. But we don't have a single diaper in the house. Or a car seat yet.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

How FunnyKid Finally Got a Name

Hello all! It’s Kat’s lil sis here. Why a guest blogger, you ask? Well, seeing that Kat is a little preoccupied at the moment snuggling a precious new baby, this proud auntie has the privilege of announcing that FunnyKid is..........................

A BOY!!!

Little Owen was born today at 1:33pm, weighing 7 lbs, 9 oz and measuring 20 1/2 inches long. I have yet to get the full version of Owen’s birth story but from the little snippets I gathered, everything went smoothly, there were some humorous moments (surprisingly involving a groggy Kat and not the PH!) and despite Kat’s fears about the size of FunnyKid’s noggin, it turns out he has a very average head circumference. As for other things average, well, I will leave that up to speculation because I refuse to be *that aunt* who talks about embarrassing things before the kid is even a day old.

Congratulations to Kat and the PH as you board this wild ride called parenthood. Welcome to the world, Owen. I already know that with that sturdy pair of lungs you have, you will fit right in to our crazy family just fine. And if you have inherited even half of your Mommy’s humor and wit, then you will live up to your FunnyKid name as well.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Why my mom deserved a medal

I pulled out my baby book the other day to check on how much I weighed at birth. While I was a normal weight (I weighed 8 pounds, 7 ounces), I discovered I was born almost THREE WEEKS after my due date. Seriously, three weeks. And only after they induced my mom.

You know how, while people talk about the nine months of pregnancy, it's actually 10 months long? Well, my mom was pregnant for almost 11 months! I'm surprised she didn't love me much less than my siblings for putting her through that (or, at least she didn't show it!)

At this point, I'm just hoping the timing of FunnyKid's arrival isn't hereditary. I'm counting down the final two weeks of this pregnancy (hoping it doesn't go quite that long) and don't think I could take it if I had to go another three weeks past that.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Keeping it in perspective...

The Pretend Husband has picked up a lot of the slack since I was put on bed rest. The other day he not only remembered his mom's birthday was coming up, but he went out and bought her a beautiful bouquet of flowers to mark the occasion (he's good about stuff like that-- but usually only after I remind him of upcoming birthdays and come up with a gift idea).

When he got home that day, he gave me a bouquet of daisies he had bought at the same time he got his mom's flowers. When SJ and J came over the next day, I started teasing the PH, saying, "Look at the pretty daisies the PH got me. Of course, his mom got a huge bouquet that included orchids..."

The PH's response? "It's her birthday. You're just pregnant."

(Just for that, I had better be getting the biggest bouquet he can carry when I give birth to his child!)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I'm a kept woman

Kat's lil sis yelled at me yesterday and told me I had better post something soon so no one thinks I had the baby and that's what's keeping me away from the blog. So, are you all on FunnyGals Baby Watch 1.0?

Unfortunately, the reason for my lack of posting is much less exciting that the arrival of FunnyKid. I was pulled out of work and put on bed rest so not only do I not have a computer, but being away from the office and not allowed to be out interacting with Wal-Mart cashiers has left me with a lack of funny material. That, and it's so hard to type out a post on an iPhone.

Fortunately-- but only in the sense that it gives me material-- I have been admitted to Labor & Delivery twice in the past week for monitoring. So there is at least the story about the nurse who came into the room to draw blood and, upon hearing how much I hate needles, said, "Oh, I do too! I cry when I see them."

Uh, OK. It turns out she is able to hold herself together when drawing other people's blood, but loses it when it's her own blood in question. Still, the experience didn't go well and ended with another nurse poking into my other hand to get the job done.

Speaking of which, I have become an expert at giving blood and urine samples since each is required of me every couple of days to check on the pregnancy-induced hypertension I am experiencing. I'm not yet sure how I'm going to make this translate into a party game, but there's got to be some potential to put these skills to use somewhere.

So, no baby. No great stories. Lots of laying around on the couch. Any ideas for boredom busters I can do while laying on my side are greatly appreciated.

Monday, August 09, 2010

Wash your hands.

I work in a largish office building and we share a ladies room with other offices.

I've seen a lot of stuff go down in this room... but nothing quite as disturbing as the increase of those who we call "Yellow Hands."

It is not acceptable to simply turn the faucet on and quickly flash one of your hands through the water. Seriously. You're an adult. Wash your damn hands.

And use soap. It won't kill you.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Sorry, folk.

I really, really meant to blog in the past week.



Everything you (n)ever wanted to know about the PH and I...

I found this while cleaning out my work computer before going on maternity leave. It's a questionnaire I filled out about the PH and I, and since it will give you a break from my all-pregnancy, all-the-time posts (and I think it's kind of funny), I thought I'd post it. Everything you ever wanted to know about the Pretend Husband and I, but I just know you were too shy to ask...

How long have you been together? It feels like forever… oh wait, it’s only been four years or so (honey, if you’re reading this, I meant four blissful years…)

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
It feels like forever, but that’s because it was. I estimate about three years of card games at SJ and J’s house, dinners at SJ and J’s house and complaints about how we were never going to find a spouse at SJ and J’s dining room table. You can see how right we were about that…

Who asked whom out?
Neither. It was fate… or rather, a large bottle of vodka, that finally brought us together. That’s the romantic tale I’ll be telling the grandkids someday.

How old are each of you?
I’m a year older than the PH, which makes me a cougar. We’re both in our early 30s.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
All the moving and renovating we’ve done since we began living together. We actually made a deal to not buy or sell a house in 2010 and shook on it.

Are you from the same home town?
Nope. Two towns apart… and we met in the middle at SJ and J’s house.

Who is smarter?
He is, fo’ sho. Which is why he is in charge of our finances.

Who is the most sensitive?
Um, that would be whomever cries more often, so definitely the PH. Just kidding— I’m definitely the crier in the relationship.

Who has the craziest exes?
It’s not even a contest… it’s me (*whispers shamefully*)

Who has the worst temper?
I hope he doesn’t yell at me for this, but it’s him

Who does the cooking?
Definitely not me. I’m in charge of baking in this relationship and he does the rest. We know what we’re good at, so why mess with it?

Who is the neat-freak?
Um, I’m not and he puts up with me. He’s neat—I wouldn’t call him a neat-freak, but he’s definitely neat freakier than me.

Who is more stubborn?
I still say he is, but he insists I am. I’ll let you know how that argument turns out.

Who hogs the bed?
I’ll admit I do. He often has to ask me to inch away from him before he falls off the edge of the bed.

Who wakes up earlier?
Him, and in a much better mood than me. One of the sweetest things he does is, on the weekends, he will get up early with the dogs to take them out and feed them so I can sleep in. And, to top it off, he even sometimes brings me coffee in bed. Yup, he’s a keeper.

How long did it take to get serious?
Let’s see… we moved in together about two months after we started dating, so I’ll say… 10 minutes. I think we both knew from the starting that we weren’t just fooling around. I mean, can you imagine how awkward it would have been at SJ’s and J’s if we had broken up?

Who does the laundry?
This one is kind of a toss-up. We both do it when it needs to be done. But I get to do it with no supervision and the PH gets a long list of requirements when he heads down to the basement (no bras in the dryer, please hang my sweater on the drying rack, etc.) He’s getting better at it.

Who's better with the computer?
I’m learning that it’s me (the PH doesn’t know the shortcuts for cutting and pasting in Word… who doesn’t know those?!?) I’m not super proficient or anything, but I’m definitely the computer expert in this relationship.

Who drives when you are together?
Definitely me. He thinks it’s because he spends so much time driving for work that he doesn’t want to do it in his free time. I KNOW it’s because I’m the better driver.

Monday, August 02, 2010

Well, THAT'S never happened before...

SJ and I checked out a couple of tag sales this weekend to make sure there isn't any baby stuff we're missing (conclusion: there isn't). At one of the tag sales, the 10-year-old son of the woman hosting the sale starting following us around all used car salesman-like. "Is there anything in particular you're looking for? I can help you find it." "Did you see this toy? It's in great shape."

It was cute... for the first few minutes. And then I felt like saying, "Listen, can you let me browse through your family's crap in peace?" But, somehow, despite my looking exclusively at the baby stuff and-- you know-- the huge belly protruding in front of me, he missed the fact that I was pregnant until his mom asked when I am due.

I answered and that's when Car Salesman Jr. said, "You're having a baby?" and then reached.out.and.rubbed.his.hands.all.over.my.stomach. I mean, I understand the fascination little old ladies have with pregnant bellies, but getting groped by a 10-year-old is a first for me.

And just to show what an evil mind I have, my first thought as this happened was the desire to point at SJ and proclaim, "She's pregnant too!" while running for the safety of the car.