The body in my front yard and other events in my life

I don't have enough for a full post right now, so you get snippets of what life in the FunnyGal household is like these days.

First, there's this guy....
This movie star of a son who continues to amaze me with his words (you try not smiling when he yells "Cah" like he's a lifelong Bostonite talking about the traffic or points to my coffee in the morning and calls it "ca-ca.") And he amazes me with his abilities and his kindness and the fact that he barely speaks and yet had two different people point out how funny he is today at story hour. Life is good with FunnyKid.

***

Christmas was perfect. That's all I really need to say (although have you ever known me to stop at one sentence? Yeah, me neither.) It involved grandparents so excited about watching the kiddos open their gifts that they got up early and other relatives who spent part of Christmas Day pushing a Cozy Coupe filled with cousins around the house and good food and laughter and really, what more could you ask for?

***

While I'm amazed at each of the skills FunnyKid has learned in his 16 months, I'm still surprised each time he picks up a new one. Last night, while I was making cookies, he came over and wanted to be part of the action. I put him on a stool and handed him a spoon and I'll be darned if the little guy didn't understand enough to scrape the sides of the bowl down with the spoon and not go near the mixer when it was running. He also knows where the cookies are stored and how to convince Mom he needs to eat one for breakfast, but that's another story...

***

I guess that's about it. Oh, the body in the yard? You want to hear that story? Yeah, I guess I would too. I'm still not clear on exactly what happened, but I think I've pieced together most of it. See, our house is along the route the local high school cross country team runs (I guess? Does cross country practice in January?) Yesterday, I walked out of the garage to take FunnyKid for a walk, looked up and saw a girl lying face down under a bush by the road. Startled, I stepped closer and saw... five more kids laying behind a rock wall in our yard. They didn't say anything to me (but I saw them move so my initial thought of a dead body in my yard was quickly erased) and I didn't say anything to them because it looked they were lying in wait and I didn't want to ruin their game. About a minute later, as I was getting FunnyKid in his stroller, the group of kids jumped up and started running. I didn't see it clearly, but I think someone had run by and they were surprising her? I heard one of the kids say, "Best hiding place ever" as they ran off, so perhaps it will become the norm for me to have a bunch of bodies scattered around my yard.

***

The other day, I received an email from someone I met for the second time and she complimented my personality. She said she hadn't realized from our first meeting how funny and sarcastic I am, but had enjoyed it during our second meeting. I read the email to the Pretend Husband, who proceeded to tell me I'm not funny! Like, at all. (I may have told him he's bad at his job as an illustration of how important my sense of humor is to me). He later said he was kidding, but it was too late. I had already filed for divorce by then. (Ok, I'm kidding. I'll keep the PH around-- but only if he starts laughing at my humor real quick).

*tap tap* Is this thing on?

Wow. It's been... let's see... forever since I last posted (and even longer since *someone* who shall not be named has been seen in these parts, but who am I to throw stones after my little absence, right?) I will try and be better and all that...

There are, of course, tons of things I could talk about. Like how we lost power for four days and fled the state to save our freezer contents and be able to shower again, or how I have a new niece or how the Pretend Husband and I celebrated our very real wedding anniversary (four years!)

But you (you know, any of you who are still actually reading this little ol' blog) don't want to hear about all that. You want the good stuff. You want to see FunnyKid in his Halloween costume (which was celebrated in our town on Nov. 10 because of the aforementioned power outage). And maybe you'll even comment and let me know you're still here and I should make a better effort to be here too.

This boy of mine

One year ago today, I felt the greatest pain I had ever experienced. One year ago today, I felt the greatest joy I ever experienced. Though I can hardly believe it, FunnyKid is one year old today. And what a year it has been.

One year ago, I met this guy.


Today, I was lucky enough to be greeted by this guy.

I'm busy preparing all sort of surprises for FunnyKid's party-- and praying the hurricane headed our way holds off on the rain until after we're done celebrating. But I wanted to take a minute to share the joy that this kiddo brings to my day.

It's hard to sum up my pride for FunnyKid and all of the abilities he has gained over this year. As a new mom, I have been-- of course-- enamored with every "first," from that first awesome smile to his first steps behind his push toy. But perhaps what makes me most proud about this kiddo is how he has lived up to his FunnyKid nickname.

I never knew a baby could be so funny. FunnyKid loves to laugh (and what a great laugh it is) and will bust out with a belly laugh even when we're not trying to do anything funny (he finds someone throwing something-- or even just making a throwing motion-- absolutely hilarious). And he is a little ham who does what he can to make people laugh. He somehow came up with this cute little head tilt that gets people every time. He "kisses" me by coming at my face with an open mouth and sucking on whatever part of my face he catches (it's impossible not to laugh when someone is sucking on your cheek). And, although it's not on purpose, his little butt sticking out when he walks behind his push toy is sure to elicit laughs.

One year. A year of smiles, new talents, tears (oh, the tears! from both FunnyKid and I), adventures, new experiences and laughter-- more laughter than I could have hoped for when I came up with the nickname FunnyKid. Thanks for living up to that name, kiddo. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you, Bubby!

Let me count the ways in which I am screwed...

My nine-month-old can negotiate the step between the family room (where all his toys are) and the rest of the first floor (where a lot of dangerous things are) and now pretty much has the run of the house.

Today, he wrestled me for access to my boob... and almost won.

Drawers in the kitchen are no match for Mr. Adventure and putting a yardstick through the handles to keep them from opening just gives him something new to play with (the yardstick makes a fun noise when it's pulled back and then let go to snap against the cabinet).

Changing a diaper is a full-scale wrestling event that involves pins, spin moves to break the opponent's hold and once he tried to tag the dog in when it looked like I was about to win.

Speaking of the dogs, they don't know what hit them. Or-- more accurately-- what suddenly and violently yanked at their crotch hair while they were sleeping.

Perhaps the worst part of all is how stinking cute he is while he wreaks havoc all over the house. This face almost makes me want to give in and let him do whatever he wants. Almost.

Guess whose mom will be doing some babyproofing this weekend...

While we're at it, who took my baby and left me this toddler?!? I'm not sure I'm ready for a kid on the move!

Thumbing his nose at life...

FunnyKid has a new and very strange habit. His habit is sticking his tongue out and leaving it there for minutes at a time. Like this:
I don't know where this habit came from or what, exactly, the kiddo is trying to do. And I HATE when I tell him what's for dinner or where we're going and that's his response (the Pretend Husband isn't so thrilled when I say, "Daddy's home!" and FunnyKid responds like that, either).

But it has proven itself to be handy in some situations. How much do you want me to pay for gas?!?
You're in front of me in the grocery store express lane with well over the 10 item limit?
You're predicting rain for the fourth day this week and, oh, Easter isn't going to be such a great day either?
What? I didn't say it. FunnyKid did.

Ready for spring...

Not that we're letting the cold weather keep us from going out for walks in the jogging stroller, but FunnyKid and I would much prefer to not have to wear multiple layers every time we leave the house. Warm weather, hurry up and get here!

He's lucky my self-defense skills didn't kick in!

Fact: FunnyKid tends to attract a lot of attention when we're out in public (Opinion: it's because he's so stinking cute!)

So we were at Home Depot yesterday and we actually attracted a crowd who exclaimed over FunnyKid's blue, blue eyes and his beautiful smile and those chubby cheeks that make you want to gnaw on them. Seriously, the kiddo was surrounded by three female cashiers and a male customer. (His proud mama is just telling a story and not at all complaining!)

Anyway, the male customer left, the cashiers exclaimed some more, we thanked them for their compliments and we headed out to the car. The male customer, an older gentleman, was loading his car right next to ours. Seeing us, he came over and got in FunnyKid's face to try and make him smile. Thinking the guy was going to start touching FunnyKid, I undid the strap and started to lift the kiddo out of the carriage.

That's when the guy exclaimed, "Look at that smile. He's going to be President one day!" and then... incredibly... then... unbelievably... then, he smacked me on the back! (I know he was just emphasizing his point and-- as the PH pointed out-- is from a different generation and is a guy, but it still took me completely by surprise). Apparently, I don't have to worry about people touching FunnyKid (only one person has tried), but I might need to look out for me!

This Christmas is different.

There are very few presents under our tree for me, both because the Pretend Husband and I agreed not to exchange gifts and because I feel like 2010 has given me everything I need. I started crying in church this afternoon watching the joy on FunnyKid's face as his father made faces to keep him entertained.

A warm home, an abundance of food, a loving husband, generous family and friends, success in business and a baby with the chubbiest cheeks you've ever seen. It doesn't get much better than that.

Happy holidays to you and yours. May you get everything you want-- and not necessarily wrapped up under the tree.

Reasons why I don't miss being pregnant

With SJ nearing the end of her pregnancy, she has had-- understandably-- more frequent complaints about how she feels. And while it might make most people think, "Thank goodness I'm past all that..." it actually makes me miss being pregnant (a little). But rather than wallow in reasons I wish I were still pregnant, I came up with some reasons to be happy I'm not.

-- When the Pretend Husband learned I was no longer allowed to sleep on my back, he appointed himself the Sleep Police. I was frequently woken up by him poking me and saying, "Roll over." And if that weren't bad enough, I sometimes woke up to find him groping me as he tried to determine whether I was lying on my back. I don't miss being woken up all the time.

-- By the end of my pregnancy, I was incredibly swollen, especially in my hands and feet. I couldn't fit into anything other than flip-flops and often woke up to find my hands frozen into claws because of the fluid in my joints. I had so much fluid that, a week after giving birth, I had already lost 20 pounds. I won't talk about how much sweating I had to do in that week to get rid of that much fluid...

-- Oh yeah, and the last reason to be glad I'm no longer pregnant is being able to see the little being who I knew only as the kicking, hiccuping thing in my belly. And what a cute little being he is:

Can you believe FunnyGal KAT is a mom?!?

Neither can I! But the broken sleep each night, the poopy diapers that fill my days and the little one breastfeeding off of me are starting to make it seem more real.

My thoughts are scattered these days and if I were to wait until I get my act together to post, FunnyKid will be five before that happens. I just don't think I can manage a real post with a beginning, a middle and an end, so you get bullet points instead.

* The Pretend Husband was my hero during my stay in the hospital for a lot of reasons, including being completely awesome while I was in labor. But he really proved his worth when he stopped me from eating corn after I delivered. Knowing that my nether regions were a bit traumatized, he suggested eating a hard-to-digest food might not be in my best interest in the end (pun intended).

* While we have figured out how to get between two and four hours of sleep between feedings, we were complete newbies during our first night home. Did I say newbies? I mean "zombies." We tried to tag team the little guy with one of us sleeping and one of us holding him (he wouldn't sleep unless he was one someone's chest). It resulted in the PH and I each getting about four hours of sleep total. But the FunnyKid slept great so I guess that's what counts.

* I was probably one of those pregnant people who was like, "Newborns sleep up to 20 hours a day. Which will give me plenty of time to get things done around the house. I'll clean while he naps!" Uh, yeah. Not so much. Yes, he sleeps a lot. No, I don't get much done (I consider it an accomplishment when I get either a load of laundry or a load of dishes done in a day). Most days, I'm forced to choose between lunch or a shower (lunch always wins...)

Each day gets a little better in terms of the kiddo and I figuring out each other and a routine. So I should be back in no time with regular (funny) updates about being a mom (and, if I ever get my act together enough to leave the house, about the joys of Wal-Mart). Thank you for all of your good wishes and, if it sounds like any of this is a complaint, I'll leave you with this (which I call, "Worth It.")

Getting us ready for parenthood... one puddle of vomit at a time.

Last night, Molly (the black dog) woke us up three times by vomiting in our bedroom. Each time, we got up and I comforted her and cleaned her face while the Pretend Husband wiped up the vomit (she had vomited a couple of times earlier in the day so we went to bed with the cleaning supplies within reach).

It's tough to get a good night's sleep when you're woken every few hours. But, we figured it is preparing us for a baby crying every few hours, and this sluggishness the PH and I feel today? Well, that's probably waiting for us this fall, too.

Last week was particularly hard. Casey (the white dog) woke us up at 4 a.m. by vomiting in our bedroom. While the PH cleaned up the four different spots (I'm not sure how he keeps getting clean-up duty, but let's not point that out to him, hmmm?) I took the dogs outside in case Casey wasn't finished. She wasn't.

Then, fearing that Casey might have a blockage in her intestine that was preventing food from getting through, I grabbed a flashlight and started following her around the yard to see if she was able to go to the bathroom (oh, the things we do for our furry children!) While this was happening (and presumably, one of my neighbors was calling the police to report a prowler in our yard), Molly decided to take off for a tour of the neighborhood.

So, 4:30 found the PH sitting on the front steps with Casey while I scoured the backyard with the flashlight, quietly calling for Molly. We finally all met up, trooped back upstairs and settled back down for a few more hours of sleep.

About 10 minutes later, Casey vomited again. This time, I cleaned and the PH took the dogs outside. I went back to bed but after about 20 minutes, I still wasn't asleep and felt bad that the PH was handling things alone outside. So, dressed in a pink bathroom, I trooped back outside and all the way out to the perimeter of our backyard to find the PH enjoying the sunrise while closely watching Casey for bathroom activity (she didn't go).

We finally made it back inside at 6 a.m.-- just enough time for all of us to pass out for an hour before the alarm went off. Then, to add insult to injury, Molly and Casey got to go spend the day with their grandparents (who promised to keep an eye on them) while the PH and I slogged into work, trying to function on about six hours of sleep.

Yes, I feel prepared for parenthood. But I'm also grateful we have 10 more weeks before the baby arrives. This mama likes her sleep.

I'm engaged to my husband!

Look what I got...

It's big, it's shiny and it's 100 percent fake. As the weather has heated up, my fingers have gotten a lot more swollen to the point where I can no longer wear my wedding and engagement rings.

I feel a little funny being knocked up and not wearing a ring so I had the idea to hit up Kohl's to buy the gaudiest rock I could. The Pretend Husband preferred I get something that could actually pass as a real engagement ring, which is how I ended up with this one. And it's weird not wearing my rings, but this one will do. After we paid $8 for it and were leaving the store, I said to the PH, "Why did you spend thousands of dollars on my ring? You could have saved so much money by buying it here!"

I may be fooling myself, but I think it looks pretty real (I realize the photo is a bit fuzzy). I also think I'm being a little silly by feeling like I need to wear a ring while pregnant. What do you think? Do people notice that kind of thing? Should I care?

You know you're really pregnant when MEN start noticing...

Today was a first. While I've had women ask me about my pregnancy, I think most men know not to ask questions until they are absolutely positive a woman is carrying a child and hasn't just packed on some pounds. And even if they know for sure, most men aren't going to get involved further than something innocent like, "How are you feeling?"

Which is why it's funny that my boss-- a man-- saw me turn sideways today and said loudly, "Wow! There's no hiding that!" while pointing at my stomach (not that I was trying to hide it anyway). I responded with, "Yup, definitely pregnant. I wasn't lying."

The conversation prompted a male customer standing nearby to begin asking me questions and talking about how awesome pregnancy and birth are (uh, ok...) While I have no problem swapping stories with women, it just felt strange to do it with a guy.

So, what do you think? Does this shirt make me look pregnant?

Can I tell you how funny I think it is that the PH went to take the picture and then said, "Oh, wait" and moved a bit so he could get "more of the pond in the photo." Yeah, because it's not like I was supposed to be the subject or anything. Got to make sure we can see the pond!

Yes, you got it down. No, you did not do it intelligently.

One of the caveats that came with the house and property we bought from my dad is the large number of trees that my dad planted more than 30 years ago that have since taken over the yard. They are mostly huge, huge, huge evergreen trees (you know the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center each year? these are too big to qualify...)

While we're not huge fans of the trees that ring the property, there are two in particular that have been the bain of our existence because one is planted in the center of the front yard (blocking the house) and the other is planted in the center of the backyard (blocking the yard from the house). The Pretend Husband and I have always talked about getting them taken down in both a "wouldn't it be nice if we had some extra money and could hire a tree service?" kind of way (me) and a "I bet I could get a couple of buddies over here and take them down" kind of way (him).

While I tend to plot and plan, the PH can be a mite more impulsive, as evidenced by the phone call I got on a Friday afternoon announcing that he and kat's lil bro had been text messaging and decided they were going to take down the tree in the front yard. When I couldn't convince the PH it might not be a good idea to undertake such a big project without any idea how to even begin, I pulled lil bro aside and said, "I expect you to be the voice of reason. If you guys don't know how to do this without sending the tree into the house, don't go through with it." His response was, "How hard can it be?"

Which is how, within minutes, my brother was cutting a notch on one side of the tree while the PH stayed out of the way (I think he figured, if he didn't physically handle the chainsaw, he wouldn't be responsible for the tree crashing into the second floor of our house). So, the tree was notched on the side the guys wanted it to fall on, the wood was cleared out of the notch and... nothing happened. The tree didn't move.

My brother continued cutting until the chainsaw got stuck and turned off, which is when... we heard a crack... and the tree started moving... toward me, who was standing in front of our garage (so, it didn't fall directly toward the house at least, but still not in the direction it was supposed to go).

I ran, kat's lil bro ran from where he was at the base of the tree and the PH stood out of range staring in a horrified manner as the tree fell-- in the exact opposite direction from where the guys had planned for it to fall.

Luckily, it missed everything (our house, the garage, my dad's cannons, cars passing by the road, Molly and Casey) except two branches of another nearby tree. I spent the rest of the night saying to the PH, "You guys are soooo lucky. So lucky." And he responded, "It wasn't luck." To which I would reply, "It wasn't luck? Then what was it? Because it sure wasn't skill!"

Yes, I'm grateful for the new and improved view from our front door. No, I will not be letting the PH, kat's lil bro and their mighty chainsaw near the tree in the backyard. Some things-- like someone who knows how to send a tree in the direction it's intended-- are worth paying for.

Hmm, maybe I need to add a "large and lumpy" category...

It's easy to think that the categories get broken down into "pregnant" and "not pregnant." But my extensive research (i.e. getting knocked up) has shown otherwise. I now present to you "FunnyGal KAT's Pregnancy Phases" (by FunnyGal KAT) (also, copyright FunnyGal KAT 2010).

1. Oh my gosh, I'm pregnant! Yay! But I can't tell anyone! Boo! But still, I'm pregnant! Yay! (*please note that this phase may vary slightly for high school students who find themselves in the family way...)

2. Boy, she's packing on the pounds, huh? I don't want to say anything, but even her face looks like it's gained weight.

3. Could she be pregnant? It kind of looks like she's getting a belly. So, pregnant? Either that or it's been a long winter without a lot of exercise for her.

4. I really think she's pregnant. But there was that one time I asked someone when they were due and they looked ready to punch me, so I'm not going to ask.

5. You're pregnant? I thought so. (Ha! I totally guessed that one! So she's not "Fatty McGiantAss"-- she's just glowing from the pregnancy.)

6. Ooooh, yeah. She's pregnant. Like, really pregnant. I'd better get out of here before she asks me to catch the baby.

I'll let you decide where I fall on this spectrum...

Let's make a deal

If there is anything I love more than shopping, it's getting a good deal. I can enjoy a new shirt or dress, but will love it even more if I know I got a good deal on it. And I got a heck of a deal this weekend at a consignment sale for baby and maternity stuff.

One of the school PTOs put on the consignment sale this weekend and I figured it might have some good kid and maternity stuff. It turns out the whole sale was full of maternity, baby and children's stuff (I will be going back every year to buy the following year's sizes). And the maternity rack was huge (yay for moms of elementary school students who are done having kids!)

Pea in the Pod dresses for $20 (which I've heard usually sell for $80), cargo pants for $5-

$10 and shirts for $4 (I got four shirts for the price of one at GAP maternity!) And the stuff is all in great shape-- so great that if I take care of it, I could probably sell it at the consignment sale in a few years.

And this obsession with being frugal obviously runs in the family because kat's lil sis called me a few weeks ago to describe a consignment sale in her area where she got 20 items of clothing for Peyton and a few toys for less than $40. Then she had spotted an infant carrier and called to ask if I was going to register for one. I figured I would and she asked how I would feel about a used one that cost $5. Heck, for $5, I can love almost anything!

She sent the carrier, which is in great shape. I tested out and can now vouch that it works just as well as a new one.

A true friend...

...doesn't mind when you invite her over for drinks and, although they may be lovely, they contain no alcohol.

(Although I suspect she did a shot with the Pretend Husband when he got home and I went to the bathroom.)

For all the preggos reading the blog these days (Kellie, I'm looking at you!), here's the awesome drink I threw together:

Equal parts orange juice and pineapple juice

A splash of ginger ale to make it fizzy

Grenadine, which, if you pour it over the back of a spoon, sinks to the bottom

A cherry

Drinking it out of a martini glass or champagne flute is a must.

This one is worth reading to the end...

A few weeks ago, the Pretend Husband and I had my dad and his fiancee and the PH's parents (the Pretend In-laws) sit down for a discussion. I began with, "As the dogs' grandparents, we have something to discuss with you. You know how Molly and Casey have been asking for a brother or sister? Well, we have narrowed it down to three options and we want you guys to help us decide."

Immediately, the groaning started up. "A third dog?!? You guys are crazy!"

Quickly, I showed them a photo of a black dog and said, "This is the first option."

The comments continued, "I'm not taking care of three dogs when you go away. This is ridiculous!"

I showed a photo of a white dog and said, "This is the second option."

I was a little scared for my life as we got hit from all sides, "I can't believe you would do this! Three dogs is too much!"

So I quickly put down the third photo, saying, "This is the third option."

(It was a unanimous decision to go with option three.)

Getting into the holiday spirit

It doesn't feel like Christmas. Yet. I'm working on getting into the right mood. I'm taking a look around to try and figure out what needs to be done so I can relax and enjoy the holiday. From what I've figured out so far, I need a little less of this...

And a lot more of this...