SJ's Letters to the Masses version 3.1: The Ren Faire Letters

Dear Man who attends Renaissance Faires to grope the actors,

You're icky, sir. And I realize that I may be dressed somewhat funny, and I realize that you find my outfit very pleasing to the eye, but come now. Would you want random men groping your sister?

Do I invite your groping? No, sir. I do, in fact, not.

Please back away.

Sincerely,
sj

*****
Dear Freecreditreport.com,

On behalf of all singers and musicians that perform at festivals while dressed in costume: Thanks. Thanks a whole freaking lot. My credit is just *fine* thank you.

I bite my thumb at you, sirs.

Unapologetically,
sj

*****
Dear People who laugh at me for dressing up like Heidi and singing at such festivals,

I get paid. And I look *fabulous.*

And little girls wish to be me. (It's cool though, parents. I totally warn them away from a life of singing sea shanties while wearing a corset.)

Yours in song,
SJ

******
Dear 22-year-old SCA enactor,

I'm sorry, but we are not "fated to be together" in this lifetime, or the next. My husband is both a history nerd *and* a hottie.

Not, in fact, yours,
SJ

From SJ to SJ

Dear Ass,

I'm really sorry I fell on you today when attempting to walk down the stairs.

In my defense, you should be smaller, then you'd be easier to haul around.

Love,
SJ

***
Dear Feet,

WTF? Why must you always let me down? Do I not provide you with the finest in fashionable footwear? Do I not limit the amount of times I wear high heels out of respect for your feelings?
And this is how you repay me?

Not cool, feet.

Sincerely,
SJ

***
Dear Mind,

I don't know where you've gone to, but I wish you'd come back.

I'm lost without you.

Yours,
SJ