it's a rainy day.

i was sitting here, on my couch, on my second glass of red wine after a frustrating day.

and then i got a phone call. it was the third phone call of its kind that i've gotten in 10 years. my good friend jen - my friend whom i often refer to as my "twin" - called me to tell me, in a very calm mindset and voice -- that her mom had died.

her mom. her 51-year-old beautiful and healthy mother that was her best friend. died. they're not sure yet of the details, but as she told me the few details she had, i was astounded at her calmness. i guess when a kind of tragedy like that happens, you become calm. you focus on the immediate.

i tried to offer what i could. company at any hour of the day. a bottle of wine. a steak (because don't you cook when people die?) a chocolate cake. anything she needed. but she wasn't ready for that yet. i told her to call me back at 1 a.m. and was totally serious. because no one should be alone in this world.

but i can't offer anything that she needs right now. all i can do is think about her and her dad and what they have in front of them.

and i think about my grandmother, still hanging on in a nursing home. she told me today that she wants to die. as much as i want to selfishly keep her, i understand. but i won't be ready when she goes.

i don't know how to let people go.

i am a relatively introverted person and have a few close friends. the people i let in, i want there. so when they leave, i find it difficult to manage.

so if you are one of those people who i've let in (and if you're reading this, you're likely one of those people), know that i find it difficult to let you go. so please don't go anywhere.

current itunes song: "so sorry" by feist