Friday, September 12, 2008

Dear Peyton... Leave it to Aunt Busty to embarrass you on only your third day in the world!

Hello little nephew,

When you get older, you're going to realize that there were some very important details that didn't make your baby book. Things your parents don't want to remember or don't think are appropriate for your innocent little ears. Well, that's where your Aunt Busty comes in.

First of all, you probably wonder why I go by Aunt Busty, given the fact that it's not actually the name I was blessed with at birth (shocking, right?) It's real simple: my porn name is Busty LaRoux (and no, it's not derived from that first pet's name, street you grew up on combo... I never had a dog named Busty). I mean, everyone has a porn name, right?

So, here's a fun little tidbit for you, Peyton. You are named after Peyton Manning, some football guy who plays for some team in Indiana (your dad can fill in those details). Your dad actually got your mom to agree to name you Peyton Manning if his team won the Super Bowl a few years ago (I think your mom was drunk when she agreed to it-- luckily, she came to her senses and convinced your dad "Mathew" is a better middle name).

And you share your birthday with my second dog, Casey. She's a little pissed that she's no longer going to get all the attention of the day, but said she's willing to give you a bite of her birthday dogbone if you'd like (but, having tried it myself, I don't recommend it).

When you were born, your mom was a little loopy from the pain meds... OK, she was flying high. So your birth was something like this...

Nurse: "It's a boy!"
(no response)
Your Mom: "What is it?"
Nurse: "Uh, it's a boy."

Lastly-- and feel free to print this part out for your future prom date-- two different nurses remarked to your parents how-- ahem-- well-endowed you are. No kidding! Shortly after your birth, when they presumably should have been focusing on more important things, two nurses were checking you out. And apparently, compared to the other newborn packages out there, yours more than measures up. I just thought you should know.

That's it for now, my boy. Although we live pretty far apart, I want to assure you that I will be taking every opportunity to visit you with plenty of inappropriate toys (loud things that perhaps make a mess...), call you embarrassing names and leave lipstick marks on your cheek. I'm a little young to be your crazy, old aunt, but I think I will have the "crazy" part down in no time! My apologies in advance.

Love, Aunty Busty

10 comments:

Molly said...

Ned had the biggest testicles known to mankind - or at least I thought so but apparently they grow into them and now they are just regular ones.

sj said...

i literally just spilled coffee all over my self because i totally laughed my ass off about his testicles.

i'm pretty sure i had this conversation with jal about our nephew and her son....

SouthernBelle said...

ahahaha

My nephew had giant balls when he was a tiny baby as well!

But the worst story involving my nephew shames me more than him (and yet here I am about to tell it to you on a public forum):

He was about 2 or 3, I was 15 or 16. I took him into the shower with me (I guess he preferred showers to baths and you can't really clean a little kid in the shower without being in there yourself) and he told me "You've got tips like my dad."

He meant tits.

I said, "You mean like your mum."

And the little bastard says "No, like my dad." Way to boost the self -esteem of an as-yet uncurvy gal, Nephew.

FunnyGal KAT said...

Oh Southernbelle, that is TOO funny! Please promise me you will be pulling out that story for his future dates!

I've only been an aunt for three days, but I'm pretty much making it my mission to be the coolest, craziest, most embarrassing aunt I can be. Hence, the baby package story posted for the world to read.

hautepocket said...

For once I am at a loss for words (and that rarely happens.) Hilarious story. :)

jal12771 said...

too funny..
See Sj.. DONT drink coffee while reading the blog.. TOLD you!

I know someone whos a huge Peyton as well.. she named her daughter after him.

Stephanie said...

After I got out of recovery when I had a c-section with Josh, literally the first words my husband said to me were, "You should see his balls! They're huge!" I wept uncontrollably.
But, I've since come to grips with the fact that my husband is a pig. What can ya do?

Mama's Losin' It said...

Awww he's gonna love his Aunt Busty.

I'm wondering if you believe in karma...

- C - said...

That too funny.
But something about all the commenting on baby packages makes me feel a bit...icky

Sass said...

That is hilarious.

And I'm sure he'll definitely appreciate that knowledge someday.

~sass