Dear Peyton... Leave it to Aunt Busty to embarrass you on only your third day in the world!

Hello little nephew,

When you get older, you're going to realize that there were some very important details that didn't make your baby book. Things your parents don't want to remember or don't think are appropriate for your innocent little ears. Well, that's where your Aunt Busty comes in.

First of all, you probably wonder why I go by Aunt Busty, given the fact that it's not actually the name I was blessed with at birth (shocking, right?) It's real simple: my porn name is Busty LaRoux (and no, it's not derived from that first pet's name, street you grew up on combo... I never had a dog named Busty). I mean, everyone has a porn name, right?

So, here's a fun little tidbit for you, Peyton. You are named after Peyton Manning, some football guy who plays for some team in Indiana (your dad can fill in those details). Your dad actually got your mom to agree to name you Peyton Manning if his team won the Super Bowl a few years ago (I think your mom was drunk when she agreed to it-- luckily, she came to her senses and convinced your dad "Mathew" is a better middle name).

And you share your birthday with my second dog, Casey. She's a little pissed that she's no longer going to get all the attention of the day, but said she's willing to give you a bite of her birthday dogbone if you'd like (but, having tried it myself, I don't recommend it).

When you were born, your mom was a little loopy from the pain meds... OK, she was flying high. So your birth was something like this...

Nurse: "It's a boy!"
(no response)
Your Mom: "What is it?"
Nurse: "Uh, it's a boy."

Lastly-- and feel free to print this part out for your future prom date-- two different nurses remarked to your parents how-- ahem-- well-endowed you are. No kidding! Shortly after your birth, when they presumably should have been focusing on more important things, two nurses were checking you out. And apparently, compared to the other newborn packages out there, yours more than measures up. I just thought you should know.

That's it for now, my boy. Although we live pretty far apart, I want to assure you that I will be taking every opportunity to visit you with plenty of inappropriate toys (loud things that perhaps make a mess...), call you embarrassing names and leave lipstick marks on your cheek. I'm a little young to be your crazy, old aunt, but I think I will have the "crazy" part down in no time! My apologies in advance.

Love, Aunty Busty