The Universe is not pleased with me.

So remember when I had to make a decision?

I made the wrong one. And now the world has to pay. Because if you all remember, I was supposed to be going to Mexico on Sunday.

Yeah, that didn't work out for me.

So now we're going to the Catskills. No. I'm not kidding. Stop laughing. Yes, I'm under 60. Am hoping that I take ballroom dance lessons and Johnny and Penny have a gig that Penny can't go to, so I have to step in but then bad stuff goes down and Johnny gets fired, and then at the end of our stay, Johnny comes back to dance one last dance with me, and says to me "Nobody puts SJ in the corner."

Oh, and we're going to the casino. To hang with Brittany. Because we're so alike.

Some marketing person thinks I'm old

It happened. A J. Jill catalog came in the mail yesterday. This morning, I started flipping through it. And while some of their stuff is nice, I guess, I am definitely not in their preferred demographic. Because, for example, I'm not 40 and planning to live at our summer home at the Hamptons for three months. So there's no reason for me to have "shimmer linen cropped pants" and "Wearever tunics" and "raffia totes." Especially not at J. Jill prices.

Being a J. Jill target, on top of the Lands End and LL Bean catalogs I've been getting lately, has started to get me down a bit. I'm not quite ready for high-rise mom jeans. No, I don't need summer white denim with flowy cardigans, perfect for those cool evenings by the ocean. And I see no need for sensible shoes when chasing after the little ones (partly because of the lack of "little ones" and partly because I'm still in a "completely insensible but totally cute" shoe phase)

And I wondered what purchase I made lately that tipped off J. Jill that I'm rapidly approaching the age where $139 linen tunics seem like a good idea. But, just as I started to feel too old, I flipped over the catalog. It is addressed to the Pretend Husband. I'll just put it right over here next to his latest membership offer from AARP.

If you see my brain, please send it my way. I need it for work.

I've had some forgetful and less-than-graceful moments lately. Nothing big enough to be blog-worthy, but they have been adding up. And then last night happened. The blog-worthy brain fart!

Yesterday was a hot and beautiful day, the kind of day that prompted me to open all my car windows, including the sun roof, on the way home from my soccer game. And I left them all open when I got home because I thought I'd be going out again. And later, when the Pretend Husband and I got home from a walk with the dogs, I had it in the back of my head to close the car windows, but I got distracted by the arrival of kat's lil bro (you can see how I'm setting this all up to be "not my fault," right?)

So, anyway, I was working on my laptop last night shortly after the PH headed to bed with the same illness I had last week when it started raining. Like, really raining. Thunder, lightning and that special kind of pounding rain that is so awesome to listen to from a comfortable chair. I yelled up to the PH to close the windows in our bedroom and then went back to work. About half an hour later, the PH yelled down to ask me if I had closed my car windows earlier (the guy's sick and half asleep and still has a better memory than me!)

Curse words trailing behind me, I ran out into the pouring rain in a T-shirt and shorts, armed with a towel, and managed to get into my car and close the windows... just in time to prevent more than an inch of water to accumulate in the cup holder. I am such an idiot.

(I dried everything off before I went back into the house and the car seems fine. My husband on the other hand? I think he's a little worried about me. And he didn't buy it when I tried to convince him leaving his sneakers out on the front steps was way worse than my leaving the windows open. He mumbled something about a $20 pair of sneakers versus a $20,000 car and went to bed.)

Thank goodness we got tagged because I was fresh out of funny.

We were lovingly tagged by the adorable Geiger Girl.

If you've never checked out her blog, you should. She's so amusing, she's radioactive. Get how I did that there? Radioactive? Geiger?

Sorry. Am tired. No excuse I realize. Am also batshit crazy this week, however.

8 Things I am looking forward to:

1. Am dressing up like a pirate this weekend and singing sea songs. Jealous?
   
2. Leaving for Los Cabos
   
3. ... in Mexico
4. .... laying on the beach
   
5. .... drinking margaritas.
   
6. ... acting as trophy wife.
7. ... living for a week in flip flops.
   
8. .... and sundresses.
   

8 Things I did yesterday:

1. Showered. Lucky coworkers.
   
2. Worked up a storm.
   
3. Ate a turkey and brie panini.
   
4. Did some more working.
   
5. Thought briefly about the things that I still need to do before going to Mexico.
   
6. Had a very brief electronic conversation with my sister.
   
7. Met my friend Jeff for happy hour and to celebrate his a) turning 40 b) getting a new job c) leaving CT.
8. Rocked out to Fiona Apple.
   

8 Things I wish I could do:

1. Fly. Seriously. Would make my fear of heights completely dissipate. Also would make travel so much easier, and my commute so much better... really, flying is the answer to it all.
   
2. Quit my job so I could spend more time with family and friends.
   
3. Go on a European tour.
4. Write a book (started... like 3. Someday...)
   
5. Stop and/or rewind time.
   
6. Use a remote control on other people to mute them, rewind them, fast forward them and pause them.
   
7. Be more tolerant of others. And by others, this week I mean people who speak in a combination of initials and letters.
   
8. Plant a money tree. How awesome would that be?
   

8 Shows I watch:
Not sure that I can come up with 8... but will include channel flipping.

1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Bones
   
3. Iron Chef America
   
4. Masterpiece Theater
   
5. Family Guy
   
6. The Daily Show
   
7. Colbert Report
   
8. The Simpsons

I am going to say, instead of tagging specifics, that if you, like me, need something to blog this week -- here you go. Consider this my gift to you.

Hugs and kisses,
sj

I'm sick (and possibly dying)

I want to post about our wild weekend at the baseball game (perhaps even with photos if I can find the stupid cord for my camera) but I can't because I'm dying. It's very sad because I feel like I just recently started really living and all that other inspirational stuff.

I'm sick. And still working my butt off because I don't have anyone who can cover for me at work. I worked from home in my pajamas yesterday and then dragged myself into the office today (and made sure to cough extra loud so everyone knows how seriously ill I am... and how seriously dedicated I am)

So, instead of me sharing all my inspiring life lessons before I die, this is your chance to tell me how awesome I am before I go (or before I get better, whichever comes first...)

Friday Favorites: things SJ's husband has said...

I admit that I haven't been very funny this week.

However, my darling husband has been on a roll.

Try to contain yourself from jealousy over the loving relationship that we have. (Am kidding. I'm totally certain he loves me, but he loves mostly to tease me in public to watch my reaction. It's like an Olympic sport for him.)

So I give you:

My favorite of J's top quotes.

1) "Would it kill you to put a little makeup on?"
2) "The Amish called. They want their dress back."
3) "You are one bonnet short of a Mennonite."
4) "There's this new invention called the comb. Hear of it?"

I should mention that all of these were uttered when we were out to dinner the other night, and only mentioned in front of the waiter, who I'm sure was ready to slip me a domestic abuse pamphlet.

5) "Would you like a hamburger with that cheese?"
6) "Dude.... Dude.... Dude.... Dude...Are you sleeping?" (about 2 minutes after we turned the lights off last night. I blame the sugar and comedy central.)
7) "Bailey and I had a conversation and he thinks you should sleep on the couch."
8) "Whatever. Tell your gay boy friend/girl friend/amusement park worker/flight attendant I said hello."
9) "But you have to lose big. Because otherwise the house wins." (When trying to explain Poker at the casino to me. This still seems backwards.)
10) Him: "Honey.... honey... honey.... honey.... honey.... honey..."
Me: "WHAT?!
Him: "What, I was going to tell you I love you. You don't have to be all mean about it."

I know. True love is painful to witness.

Did I mention how good the ice cream is?

If there is one sport I absolutely cannot tolerate, even for a few minutes, on TV or in person, it's baseball. And golf. Yeah, I said "one sport" but I hate them both. Except I probably hate baseball more because there's a chance of being asked to go to a game, while no one has ever asked me to a golf... match? tournament? game? extravaganza? Whatever you call it, I've never been invited.

And now I am faced with what I'm calling a "very important decision" (but only because work is slow and life is boring and this decision is about as important as it gets right now. don't worry, I realize it doesn't really rank in the grander scheme of things...)

But anyway. The Pretend Husband was given tickets to a baseball game this weekend. And he's peer pressuring me into going with him. The good part? It's in the city I went to college in, a city I love, love, love and haven't been to in way too long and it's home to the best ice cream I've ever had. But. I would have to go to the stupid baseball game.

So, on the one hand, city I love, best ice cream ever, a night away from home, the best ice cream ever, hanging out with the PH, the best ice cream ever... And, on the other stupid hand, stupid baseball. I'm a fan of football and I will willingly watch basketball games with the PH, but I cannot stand baseball. It's long, it's boring and it's long.

Let's hear what you think? Do I suck it up with the best ice cream ever as my sweet, sweet reward? Or do I skip it purely for health reasons (i.e. there's a strong possibility I would die of boredom if forced to sit through an entire game...)?

It distracted them from continuously hinting about us providing them grandchildren...

The Pretend Husband and I joined forces this weekend to host the family holiday dinner. We cleaned, we moved tables around, we shopped for food, we cleaned some more, we set tables, we cooked... it was a beautiful thing (and fun and tiring, too). The one thing we hadn't counted on-- and which will be done better-- is the timing of the meal and the draw of the kitchen.

I was in charge of the mashed potatoes and had planned to have them made before anyone arrived, but the PH convinced me it would be better to time the cooking of the potatoes so I mashed them just before dinner and they stayed hot. We also thought the island in the kitchen would be the perfect place to lay out the appetizers. Which is how I ended up with an audience as I finished making the mashed potatoes-- an uncle even commented that it was like a cooking show as everyone stood around and watched me with the potatoes and the PH carve up the turkey and the ham.

And it wasn't so bad until I stirred the pan of corn very vigorously, sending some flying across the counter and onto the floor. The "audience" all started talking at once, ribbing me for my lack of culinary skill. And the PH started yelling at me because-- and I'm not even sure how he made this leap in logic-- he thought I had turned the stove up too high and the corn had started popping. Next year: potatoes made in advance and appetizers laid out in any room other than the kitchen.

Another amusing thing was the Pretend In-laws and Pretend Aunt and Uncles playing Wii after dinner for more than three hours. They went off into the other room to play that while the PH, his sister and I sat and talked without having to be interrupted by the "kids" and their video games. Normally, we would have cut them off before that but they were playing so nicely together and it gave us adults a chance to socialize without them bugging us every five minutes to ask about dessert.

I'm beginning to realize I'm kind of a b*tch...

So after picking on the poor ol' Pretend Husband for his freakish behavior when it comes to drawer organization, I thought it was only fair to show a glimpse of what he has to put up with when I'm around.

I was reminded about this past Christmas by a jewelry commercial on the radio this morning for one of those bracelets with the charms that get added for different occasions. They're nice and all, but very definitely not.my.thing. Just before Christmas, the PH and I heard a commercial for them and I started going off on a rant about how I would hate to have something like that and they're stupid and thank goodness I have a husband who would never buy me such a ridiculous gift... (the rest was drowned out by the very large foot in my mouth)

And that's when the PH told me to shut it, grabbed a bag from the jewelry store out of his closet and left. Turns out he had bought me one of those bracelets because he had liked the look of it with one special charm he had picked out. He had no plans to add all the charms, but thought it would be something I would enjoy having with the one charm. Yeah, I'm an idiot (a lucky idiot because, even after all that, he picked out a different-- very beautiful-- bracelet for me as a Christmas gift).

So, yeah, a little b*tchy, huh? THEN I remembered the Christmas before and the debacle I created that year. On my first birthday after our wedding, the PH presented with a gorgeous necklace that was accompanied with a note that said he picked out the particular stone in it because he knows it reminds me of my mom and for some other personal reasons (I know! sweetest guy ever!) And I loved the necklace and all was well and good... until he gave me the matching earrings for Christmas. They were beautiful for sure, but huge and not my style at all. And I was worried that they would stay in my jewelry box and never get worn because they weren't my style.

Then I found out how much they cost and that further convinced me to return them and put the money toward a mortgage payment instead. And, for the record, we returned them rather than exchanging them. Does that get me any points at all?

But, yeah, I realize I'm the shrew of a wife who can't gracefully receive the gifts my husband thoughtfully  picks out for me. And the PH must be a glutton for punishment because he hasn't given up yet.

On splinters, Rick Springfield, lack of sleep and yardwork

Hi bloggy buddies!

How's it going? If you've guess SJ has had a crapload of caffeine today, you are exactly right! Every thought of mine right now is magnified and running about 10 times faster than usual!

Freaking awesome!

So right now, I've had very little sleep because of my crazed addiction to work, which is second only to my crazed addiction to the office coffee maker. I can guarantee you this blog post isn't going to make much sense in paragraph form, so I've decided to bullet point my thoughts.

• I have a splinter in my finger because of seriously overly ambitious pruning in my yard on Sunday. The splinter is mostly gone, but I think there's still a piece left. A friend told me to put a piece of ham on it. I think she's just trying to make me look silly.
  
• Yes, I did yard work. About four hours of it, after getting 3.5 hours of sleep the night before.
• Because the night before I went to see Rick Springfield.
• Stop laughing. I'm totally serious.
• Yes, he sang Jessie's Girl. Yes, it was awesome. There was an encore.
• Again I ended up at a karaoke bar, and actually sang by myself. Thank god there were no video cameras.
  
• It gets worse. I sang a Jewel song. But at the time, I had a super awesome time. Sunday may have been a little tough, however.

Sorry, Interweb. That's all I have for you.

Just in case you thought I was perfect...

My boneheaded move o' the weekend came at a vineyard the Pretend Husband and I visited yesterday. As he was sampling different wines and the woman serving us was describing the "notes of butternut and apricot," I asked, "How do they get those flavors into the wine?"

She started to explain that different varieties of grapes produce different flavors, which I hope means she didn't catch on to the fact that, for a minute, I thought they perhaps crushed up butternut squash and put it in the wine.

Because I'm no (April) fool!

I was planning on writing up a post about the awesome April Fool's joke I was going to play on the Pretend Husband... and was even going to illustrate it with photos. But we got in a fight over the phone while we were each driving home from work, so I didn't think it would be a good time to pull a prank on him (letting sleeping lions lie and all that...)

But here's what I would have done... When we finally got to move all of our stuff into our new kitchen, I quickly realized there was no pen and paper on which to write down messages. So, I put a Post-It note pad and a pen in the large drawer that had a big divider to hold all our silverware, as well as random items like can openers, wine openers, etc. I must specify that each thing had it's own little compartment and I didn't think it was a big deal.

Well, the PH was not happy when he saw it. He took the pen and paper out, grousing about how I was trying to turn it into a junk drawer and it starts with a pen and paper and quickly turns into more pens and more paper and then other stuff until what was the silverware drawer is filled with junk, blah, blah, blah. I kept putting the pen and paper back in the drawer until I think he conceded defeat (as long as it's just one pen and one notepad).

So, after talking with my friend Flora the other night (who has been my partner in crime for many, many years and had been planning a prank of her own on her husband), I decided to turn the silverware drawer into a mini office. Pens, paper, scissors, paperclips, rubber bands, Wite-Out... I was even thinking of putting my laptop in the drawer. And, then, of course, I would have asked the PH to grab me a fork. It would have been awesome.

Am I the only one with an anal retentive spouse? I swear, the man will put up with a bathroom that would give germaphobes a heart attack, but will flip out over the number of items on the bathroom counter or a pen and paper in the silverware drawer. Oh, and don't even get me started about putting magnets on the fridge. It might lead to divorce.

Cruelest April Fool's Joke Ever

.... was my friend @jackmonson making me think it was Friday.

Jack is mean.

That is all.