So, did you or didn't you?

So SJ dressed up for Halloween.

And "the cutest nephew in the world" dressed up for Halloween.

But me? I couldn't decide. I had pretty much figured I would hand out candy and admire costumes and be a good neighbor, but not be the weird childless woman who went all out on a costume. Then I panicked yesterday, ran out to the store and bought some supplies for a costume.

And then decided shortly before the trick-or-treaters started to arrive that I wasn't going to dress up. In fairness, I tricked out the outside of the house with a skeleton, a light-up ghost and some other stuff to get into the spirit (no pun intended). But no costume for me.

How about you? Did you dress up? And if so, let's hear the costume ideas so I'm prepared for next year.

It could only happen to me...

So you've probably caught on that things have been a bit, um, stressful lately, what with the suddenly having no job and not being approved for a mortgage because of the lack of job. But, now that it seems to be over (I'm employed! Mortgage approval is pending! The sale of our house went through! Yay!) I can laugh about all those little bumps along the way. Tee-hee! Ha ha! Bwa-hahahahahaha!

Whew! That does feel better. I would be hard pressed to pick one thing that sucked more than the others (having to fight with the phone company in 12 calls in one week?!? still not having the Internet working at our house?!? having to return to a job I had very much enjoyed leaving?!?) but only one has a semi-amusing story attached to it.

Shortly before we completed our move out of the old house, I decided to put a gift certificate for a pedicure that Kat's lil sis gave me to good use. So I scheduled the appointment amid a day of running to the bank, running to the Pretend Husband's office to sign documents and a gynecologist appointment. It was going to be awesome! The highlight of an otherwise crappy day!

I walk into the fancy schmancy spa and am looking forward to just relaxing. I pick a color, climb into the vibrating chair, put my feet into the warm, bubbling water and ahhhh... And just when I think it can't get any better, the pedicurist offers me a drink. Amid the choices: a glass of wine. Awesome! So she brings me a glass of white wine and then proceeds to give me the best leg massage ever. Ahhhh.

And then some annoying, friends-with-the-owner, constantly-checking-her-Blackberry, spends-the-entire-visit-giving-financial-advice-to-pedicurist woman climbs into the chair next to me and immediately knocks my glass of wine over into my lap and into my purse on the floor next to me. Argh!

She was slightly apologetic (I don't know about you, but I would have been saying "I'm so sorry" for the rest of the appointment...) and then went back to being her annoying self. I managed to tune her out for most of the rest of what is definitely the best pedicure I've ever gotten and thought that was the end of it. Until I got out of the appointment and went to use my cell phone.

OF COURSE Annoying Wine Lady couldn't just drench me and my purse, but she made sure some of it leaked into my cellphone, too. Which caused my cellphone not to work. Just a week after the PH's cellphone stopped working. And before our landline was finally hooked up in the house. Which left me at the house without a phone during the day and us shoving each other out of the way to use the PH's work cellphone at night. Fun times, I tell ya.

But, we got our landline, the PH bought a used phone off the Internet and my replacement phone is currently on its way to me. And that, my dear readers, is hopefully the last of my bitching for a very, very long time.

Plans for Halloween?

I have plans for Halloween!

And I'm so excited about it.... because it involves me going to a spooky castle and scaring people. And yes, I realize only the first part of that is different from any other Friday night.

Jealous? You don't need to be. You can go too! (If you're in the Gloucester, Mass. area on Friday night...)

It's called "Castle of the Damned" and I don't really know much of the details, except that it's put on by some of my newest friends whom I just adore, as you'll recall from my previous famously-titled I have a crush on the Pope entry.

And it's AWESOME. The castle, I mean. I went last weekend with Kara and an Annoying Boy.

So if you, dear reader 1 and 2 from Massachussetts (which I know about because of our awesome map), are in the area on Friday, come get spooked!

My Halloween Costume

what do we think?

I went on vacation with my parents. I am 31. Why are you laughing?

I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. I mean, well, I'm a slacker. and I'm not sure if it's presumptuous of me to say "I'm sorry." But in truth, I have been in a bad mood for two weeks, and the fog is just starting to lift.

So here I am! Trying to remember the funny in the past few weeks.

As you know, because I mentioned it, and you read closely, I went to Amish country with my parents. This involved a good deal of a) shopping and b) eating. Apparently, there's this phenomenon in PA Dutch country that is known as "smorgasbord." I have never seen such variety of so many fattening foods in my life. At one time. When it wasn't a chinese buffet. I actually got lost. We went to this place called Shady Maple and I got so disoriented that I was temporarily lost.

Let me repeat: I lost my parents. And again, I'm 31.

We went to another one, and also a breakfast buffet. And I gained 15 pounds in three days. But lost it all when we walked all around the 25,392 fabric stores.

But the trip was filled with great quotes from my parents as we rode around with them. I kept pestering my dad to find me a buggy. After buggy #24 or so, it still hadn't lost its charm.



My favorite quotes:
Mom: "Look, a cemetery with no fence around it."
Dad: "What? It's not like they're going to try to get out."

Me: "That Amish lady was a bit of a pushy sales lady..."
Stranger: "I think she whips off that bonnet and heads to the casino when the shop closes."

While looking through a "tractor graveyard" at various parts and pieces of tractors:
Dad: "That's a yuppie manure spreader."

Now, this was funny to me because I know *a lot* of yuppies. But none of them have a manure speader. I'm not sure what a young urban professional would do with a manure spreader, in fact. I only know yuppies who figuratively spread manure.

My name is KAT and I'm an Internet addict (and I'm jones-ing for a fix right now!)

Poor, poor me. Guys, it has been SO HARD to be living without the Internet. I would try to describe it to you, but you sit there in front of your computer and you can't know just how much it hurts to not be able to do that. We've been living in the new house for two weeks now and I haven't had the Internet in all that time! (I know, brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?)

I've been able to scrounge up some time on computers belonging to friends and family, but it's just not the same thing, you know? I mean, it got so bad, I went out and got a job JUST TO HAVE ACCESS TO THE INTERNET AGAIN. (So yeah, there's some news from me... I actually went back to the job I had before the job that laid me off and, while I'm not loving it, it does mean little advantages like, oh, being approved for a mortgage and actually being able to pay the bills). But, anyway, the Internet technician guy is coming sometime between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. tomorrow (like I don't have anything better to do for the entire day than wait for the dude!) and if he is able to get it working, I will not be responsible for hugging and/or full-on kissing him on the mouth.

Life is not the same without you all in my life (oh man, how sappy am I today?) But, seriously, I got a chance to poke around today in between bouts of work and it's like, Wow, Andy has a girlfriend? And Haute Pocket is moving? What else have I missed? Wah!

I've been stuck at home with no contact with the outside world and you people just continued living your lives with no regard for the fact I didn't have one?!? What's up with that?!? I mean, Mollymoo is probably married to George Clooney by now and running a billion-dollar martini party business. And srg probably not only finished writing her book (without any feedback from me for the aforementioned reasons...) but got it published and is working on the sequel! And tell me, did Mama KAT make it onto the Ellen show yet? I have had television, but the Pretend Husband preferred I spent the time I was unemployed doing things like "moving" and "fixing up our new house" and "looking for work" (that bastard!)

But again, I'm not letting the Internet guy out of my sight tomorrow until I am back onto the World Wide Web. Until then, you all need to simmer down and stop doing so much until I can catch up on my reading.

Keeping the Pretend Husband on his toes...

We were originally supposed to fly home from visiting the cutest nephew ever in Florida on Saturday, but since the Pretend Husband's beloved Red Sox kept the series alive by scoring an extra run Friday night (or tackling the quarterback or getting called for icing or making some free throws or something else sports-related...) the boys from Beantown were going to be in-- you guessed it-- Florida Saturday night. And not that close to where we were, but when the PH threw out an "Can we stay an extra day so the Pretend Bro-in-law and I can go to the game tomorrow night?" I thought, "Why the heck not?" and said, "Why the heck not?"

And the PH, apparently ready with a bunch of reasons to persuade me to say yes, didn't know how to respond. But you know what? I think it was a good strategy on my part because the PH spent the rest of the day wondering what he did right to make me agree to the plan. That, and when I came home with some new clothes and a cute pair of shoes, he started to give me a hard time until I said, "This is my Red Sox ticket." I think he's still trying to think of a comeback for that one.

you folks are awesome.

Thank you everyone for your warm thoughts and prayers.

I think I'll be sad for a while, but when you have awesome friends who bring you flowers and others who leave you THREE CONTAINERS OF ICE CREAM in your fridge, it's a little easier to face the day without your Gramma.

I felt I had to share all of that ice cream wealth, so I brought the half gallon over to my parents house, since we'll be there tomorrow to gather, and we were there yesterday.

I had no idea we had so many bloggy friends in Central Pennsylvania! Who knew?! Had I known, I would have shared pretzels with all of you...

But thanks, guys. You are all awesome.

Be at peace, Gramma.

I will miss you more than words can say.

Gramma "Babci" Julia
December 27, 1914 - October 17, 2008

amish paradise...

I'm about to leave, in about an hour, for Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

I've never been, but my parents have been going for years, and out of some strange circumstance that neither me or J can explain, I find myself once again vacationing with my parents.

Even more odd? It's their anniversary on Saturday. But it's been a rough few months for my parents, with the loss of my aunt in August, and with my Gramma's failing health. So off we go. To look at a) quilts b) Amish barns and c) fish.

In preparation for the car ride, I've put the following play list together:

"Amish Paradise" by Weird Al Yankovic (self-explanatory)
"Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson. There's no obvious reason for this song, besides the fact that I love it.
"Breakin' Up" by Rilo Kiley because this may be what happens during a four day weekend with my parents.
"Bring me to Life" by Evanescence because nothing says "Amish quilts" like some goth rock.
"Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls. This to me is the ultimate leaf-peeping song. I can't explain why. It just totally is.
"Don't Touch Me There" by Busta Rhymes. This is for the brief time we drive through New Jersey. As is:
"Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi
"Whiskey Lullaby" by Brad Paisley. It's obligatory to have some country music when with my dad.

That's all I have, because I still have work to do before I leave. I'm thinking the Amish will totally dig it.

Anyway - I should have lots of fun stories when I get back. I think the chances of me finding a wireless internet connection in the middle of Blue Ball and Intercourse (let's just discuss those names. Andy, I'm looking at you, sunshine.) is probably slim to non-existent.

Would you be posting when you could be doing this instead?

Of course, the Pretend Husband and I may be more excited about being in Florida to meet our nephew Peyton than he is to meet us. Because when KAT's lil sis asked Peyton if he was looking forward to spending time with us, this was his response:


Oh dude, I'm totally pulling this photo out for prom dates. That will teach you to mess with Aunt Busty!

you know, you'd think 3 weekends at the ren faire would give me more material...

sorry. i have been so behind the times this weekend. i really embraced my role as "pirate wench girl who sings" and did not take the time to blog or even read the blog since Friday.

i totally suck. but i will come by and visit tonight and tomorrow. i promise.

in the meantime, i'm stealing my sister's adorable child for blog fodder. as we know, my grams has been failing for some time. she's 94 and we're tight. and it hurts like hell.

but little e (jal's little one. my 3.5 year old nephew) was feeding gram soup a couple of weeks ago. she took a few bites -- more than we've gotten her to eat in a while. after she had some sips, he went downstairs and brought back brownies. after giving them out, someone asked why he didn't give one to gramma.

"she didn't eat all her soup," he responded.

well, duh.

I'm back... sort of... well, not really... but soon, I promise

Hoo boy, am I going to owe SJ for posting the whole time I've been gone. And, unfortunately, I'm not really back because we're still living without phone or Internet service at the new house (and, OF COURSE, our cell phones both broke this week so we are only using the Pretend Husband's work cell for emergencies... it's like we're living in "Little House On The Prairie" or something!)

But, fear not, we are supposed to get everything hooked up today and even if that doesn't happen (the phone company has pushed off the date three times already) we will be visiting a home with Internet service. I guarantee I will be posting photos from our trip later this week.

And, oh boy, do I have some good stories saved up from my days of no Internet access! SJ, keep up the good work for a few more days and then feel free to take some time off if you'd like. You've definitely earned it.

my hands hurt...

... from all the clapping. but see? she IS coming back! good. i miss her. and i hate using the phone to communicate. it's so 20th century. i heart the internet. and i heart KAT. and you do too! how awesome!

but i've been a huge blog slacker this week. sorry. i'll be around shortly to view your funny, funny posts and entertain my brain for the next few hours while i count down the minutes to my three day weekend. so thank you for that. i totally appreciate you all. you're awesome too!

additionally, this marks the last weekend for me at the CTRF. if you're in CT, you should check it out. you will laugh hysterically at least once -- i guarantee. and if you don't, find me and i'll tell you a really funny joke. see? how can you lose.

current itunes song: "don't let me be misunderstood" by nina simone

if everyone claps their hands really loudly...

maybe KAT will post!

actually, it's because she has no access to the internet. which is what i forgot when i emailed her yesterday.

so while i pine away for my BFF and ...
OOPS. accidental publish.

and have to resort to using the telephone (so 1990s), let's just go through my favorite five things about KAT:

1) she's super funny. as you all know by now. she's not just electronically funny, either. she's just always funny.
2) she's my go to person when something heart-breaking happens. because she will always try to make me feel better which is so awesome.
3) she doesn't mock me when i wear pig tails. she leaves that to j.
4) she has a huge heart and is always willing to lend a hand to those who need it. really. sometimes, we all tease her for her incredibly packed social calendar, but it's just because she is so loved by so many.
5) she is a fantastic setback partner.

what about you? what do you love about KAT?

current itunes song: "same thing" by the barenaked ladies

I have a little crush on the Pope.

okay. not the real pope. because that would be wrong.

but i mean the pope from the Connecticut Renaissance Faire. i spent some time chatting with the pretend pope when i was hiding from the various random men that tend to ogle you when you wear outfits like the one i was wearing. (totally my fault i realize, but you cannot authentically sing sea shanties in jeans and graphic tees.)

that dude (the pope, i mean) is living the dream. i mean, really. he's an entertainer who makes a living out of entertaining. i find it incredibly admirable. i wish i had a sustainable talent that would allow me to do that. but alas. i don't, ergo, i have a day job.

but today my day job let me do something rather fun. namely: go talk to little kids about the value of newspapers. today is national newspaper week, so in honor of that, i went to talk to a classroom of fifth graders all about their newspapers.

andy, you'll be happy to know they still read them.

i was a little nervous that i'd walk in with a pile of newspapers and the children would stare blankly at me like i was holding some obscure thing from the past -- like perhaps that spoon that was invented in the 1790s that was designed to shoot medicine to the back of your throat to circumvent the horrid taste as this was before the discovery of high fructose corn syrup?

you know. something like that.

but no. they totally got it. but how alarmed was i that the children didn't seem at all impressed that the first online newspaper "recently" debuted in 1994? likely because they, in fact, were not born until 1998. 1994 was 14 freakin' years ago. that's a freshmen in high school.

when i was a freshmen in high school, the extent of our technology was message boards on prodigy. (anyone? can i get a holla back for message boards?) i can't imagine having a high school relationship in the days of instant messenger.

there is *no way* i would have sustained a relationship longer than an hour.

Now I've seen everything...

I was at the mall tonight with the Pretend Husband and the pretend sister-in-law when she and I noticed someone wearing a T-shirt with this on the front:

It's probably not an uncommon T-shirt, especially in the area we were in. Except, oh yeah, the person wearing it was a 10-year-old boy. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised as he went up to a group of 17 or 18-year-old boys and, as the pretend sister-in-law said, "greeted them like they were his homies."

And that, my friends, is why I never go to the mall unless I happen to have a gift card for a restaurant in said mall that needs to be spent before we move out of the area. The end.

today sucks. sorry.

it's true. it does. i have nothing funny to say, so instead, i'm going to fill this entry with a meme.

is that wrong? sorry. maybe it is. but, to quote Chris Griffin, "I'm in no mood!"

i stole ... um... i mean, borrowed this from this random site that i found when googling.

1. what song frequently gets stuck in your head?
i frequently get different songs stuck in my head. today's song is "hard" by grey eye glances. which is a lovely song. if you don't know it, you should listen to it. i bet you'll like it.

2. Choose one line from a song that sums up your life thus far.
tough!
i really can't pick one line that sums up my life, but i can at least share one that i can relate to right now:
And I still need the beauty of words sung and spoken
And I live with the fear that my spirit will be broken

from Dar Williams' In Love but Not at Peace.

3. Do you have one all-time favorite song (if so, what is it?) or do you skip around?
i don't. i have too many. it's more like a favorite song of the day.

4. How do you listen to music most often (pod, radio, etc)?
i listen to music 20 hours of the day. all day long on my macbook, and in my car/at home on my ipod. i rarely listen to the radio.

5. American Idol: fantastic show or overrated?
don't watch it.

Random items in between packing boxes

Ok, you all are a weird bunch! Your comments on my post about my brother's offer to marry my husband were hysterical! I threw the idea out there because I thought it was a funny offer and didn't have anything else to say that day, but didn't realize you guys would embrace it so heartily. I should have known though, because you must have the same weird sense of humor (that's "humour" for you, Mollymoo!) SJ and I do to enjoy Funny Gals. Thanks for all the laughs in the middle of a stressful time (but we're moving this weekend, so perhaps the stress will lessen after that? Maybe? Please?)

And, on a more serious note, I'm going to encourage everyone to get certified in CPR. I did it last night (after years of putting it off) and am feeling pretty awesome about it. For one thing, it's so much easier than in the past-- there's very little to remember-- and dude, how awesome would it be to save someone's life? I know I would be calling them every other day like, "Hey, remember the time I saved your life? Yeah, how about meeting me for lunch? You pay. Why? Oh, a little thing called I saved your life." Which would be especially weird if I didn't know them prior to the lifesaving heroics I performed to (you guessed it) save their life.

But seriously, it took a four-hour class in first aid and CPR to get this handy-dandy little card saying I am practically a superhero (or, perhaps it says making out with a CPR dummy for a few hours last night makes me something of an expert-- I haven't really read the fine print). And you know how when you were little and you got a bike for Christmas, you couldn't wait to ride it so you rode circles around the kitchen all day while the snow fell outside? (No? Just me?) Well, anyway, that's how I feel about CPR. I know it-- now someone needs to give me a reason to put my "skillz" to work. I may just have to head over to the mall and prowl the food court, scoping out the unhealthiest eaters in the hopes the big one hits while I'm watching. Or, you know, I could just go shoe shopping instead.

wednesday's list: five things i fear

lists are so fun and so easy, aren't they? that's why today i've got a list for you to feel free to take and use when you too are feeling lazy.

five things that scare me? only five? well okay. if i insist. (get it? because i'm the one who wrote it. funny! wait. why aren't you laughing?)

1) spiders and other creepy crawly things. it doesn't matter if they're "perfectly harmless" and "don't bite" and yada yada yada. i don't like them. i don't care that they eat bad bugs. the fact that they're cannibalistic to their own kind doesn't make them less creepy.

2) driving in inclement weather. i have a huge fear of hydro-planing. and because i tend to drive over 100 miles a day, i basically live in fear each day. although, for the record, i'm not one of those people that goes 30 on the highway. i drive sensibly. but in fear.

3) losing people. i've mentioned this before. i tend to keep to myself, so when i lose someone who is close to me, i take it poorly. i hate funerals and wakes, and tend to be easily emotionally overwhelmed.

4) i am deathly afraid of heights. i can't even stand near the window in a tall building without some kind of anchor to hold on to. flying freaks me out, as you can imagine, and although i do it, i still hate taking off in a plane.

5) someone breaking into my house. to the point where i've leaned brooms and stuff against the doors when i'm home by myself. i also sleep with my phone in hand, and mag light/baseball bat in close proximity. some day, j will be knocked unconscious.