How to ruin your wife’s Valentine Day (in 2 easy steps!)

1. While working on a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner together, ask her a question while her head is in the clouds and she’s doing three things at once. When she doesn’t respond, ask it again. When she says, “What?” because she didn’t understand the question (it referenced a conversation from five minutes before), yell at her for ignoring you. (Not that this happened to me… it was, uh, a friend…)

2. Have a good Valentine’s Day, but follow it up the next day by referring to the wrong person as your wife. Here’s the text message I got this morning from SJ, who took off work to accompany her husband to the hospital for his “oscopy.”

SJ: “So I’m at the hospital with J. Should I be pissed that he accidentally referred to his friend at work as his wife?”

KAT: “It depends. Was it before or after they doped him up? :)”

SJ: “BEFORE.”

KAT: “Ouch. I will testify for you in the divorce proceedings. No word what the PH will do but I’ll work on him. Maybe it was just nerves?”

SJ: “Better be. He said, ‘My wife’s uh… I mean my buddy’s husband…’”

KAT: “Terrible. But funny. Can I put the story on the blog?”

SJ: “Of course.”

Save the drama for yo' baby mama

I just had a coworker in my office bellyaching about his relationship of about four months. He wanted to go out for a beer tonight and his gf got really upset. The arguing went on... and on... and on, from what I can ascertain from his side of things. She even threw in, "When we're lying on the couch together each night, I know all you're thinking about is how much you want a beer!" And, seeing as how this guy isn't an alcoholic, that's kind of an odd statement, as well as completely not true.

It's a relationship between two people in their early 20s (remember those days?), the kind where he hasn't seen his friends in the four months they've been dating because he wants to spend every waking minute with her, but then isn't "allowed" to go out for an hour one night without the drama.

Then it got me thinking about what dating was like in my early 20s (and, let's be honest, even in my late 20s). The Pretend Husband was picking on me the other day for some of the men I dated in the past and, I have to admit, I deserve it. Among the gems...

- The dude who invited me over to his place for the first time, then fell asleep with his head in my lap. I couldn't move, couldn't reach the remote to watch TV and still sat there like an idiot waiting for him to wake up. And yet, I kept dating him...

- That was the same guy who invited me to his sister's wedding after we had been dating only a month. I sat at the head table NEXT TO THE BRIDE and am in a bunch of the photos. We broke up a few days later. I can't remember what he looks like, but his family has those nice wedding photos to remember me by.

- How about the- ahem- older guy who I suspect was a closet alcoholic. His night stand next to his bed? A mini fridge stocked with beer so he wouldn't have to get up and walk allll the way to the kitchen to get one (it was a condo... the kitchen was about 10 steps from the bedroom).

- Or the 30-year-old who still lived in his mom's basement? He had a good story about moving home to help her after his dad died, but his dad had passed away like, five years earlier, and I almost never saw his mom there so I don't think she needed much help. She finally had to move away and sell the condo out from under him to get him out on his own!

Thinking about the winners from my past just makes me all the more thankful for the PH who, although not perfect, is a lot closer than those dudes! And hearing the drama from my coworker makes me all the happier I'm not dating a 23-year-old drama queen.

How about you? Any good stories?

...And then I beat him over the head with a Christmas present.

What is it with men and Christmas?!? Would it kill them to do their shopping before the last possible moment? The Pretend Husband is terrible about this, to the point where I got tired of waiting and did most of the shopping for his family. He basically only needs to shop for me and he's planning on doing it sometime this weekend.

But this little Christmas tale takes the cake. Yesterday, the PH mentioned that he needed a grab bag gift for a party today. I came up with the idea of a travel mug and a gift card for coffee. Easy enough. Then I drove to Dunkin' Donuts to buy the items, then I brought them home for his approval, then he asked me to wrap them for him.

Like a good lil' wife, I agreed to do it, but didn't get around to it until this morning (because I was busy hanging shades in our living room while the PH watched football upstairs, but don't even get me started about that one!). So this morning, while the PH was getting ready for work, I dug through some closets, trying to find wrapping items for the grab bag gift. No boxes were the right shape for the mug, so I finally settled on a blue gift bag and made it all "purty" with some blue and white curly ribbons.

PH: "I don't want a gift bag. I want it in a box."

KAT: "We don't have any boxes that fit it. This is the only gift bag that was the right size."

PH: "But I want it wrapped up like a Christmas present."

KAT: "Then you can do it yourself."

Not surprisingly, he took it as it was, but had to get in one last remark as he walked out the door.

PH: "Thanks for the baby shower gift."

KAT: (I wasn't going to mention it because I didn't want him to be all self-conscious, but after his comment, I figured he had it coming). "Actually, it looks like a Hanukkah gift. The Hanukkah colors are blue and white."

And I sang the Dreidel Song as he walked out the door.