Saturday, January 24, 2009

Things Not to Do On a Date

First off, I know. I'm a serious blog slacker this week and last week. I'm really sorry. I'm making the rounds tonight, however, as I drink my third martini.

(Note from SJ: I started this Friday, but finishing Saturday. In the 24 hour period, I've had four martinis. I consider that a decent average. In fact, I should really make another one.)

My comments will likely get funnier, however -- so there's that.

But I was inspired by a friend of mine and a show that he saw that was seriously disturbing. Except that it wasn't the concert that was disturbing. It was in fact, the serious PDA issue going on.

So we had a discussion about the serious mistakes we've witnessed (or in my case, actually experienced) over the years. It brought me to this here list of skin crawling dating moments -- and just plain "you're doing it wrong" moments in my romantic life.

1) Your tongue is not a weapon.
I hope you've never experienced it -- but sadly, I bet a few of you may know what I'm talking about. Guys, when you stab your tongue so deeply and violently into our mouths that we can no longer breathe, it's not enjoyable. And that gagging noise is me begging for oxygen. Or trying to tell you something but can't form proper sounds because you have stifled me with TOO MUCH tongue. Incidentally, it is *never* okay to lick someone's face. Unless your name is Bailey and you're my springer spaniel.

2) DUDE. Get Your Hands... Off...
There are few things worse than being inappropriately groped in public -- particularly when you're, say, in line at the grocery store. There's a limit to my love. And that limit is in plain sight when I could run into my kindergarten teacher, or worse, my mom.

3) Ouch. Stop. Stabbing me with your chin.
Have you ever met the angry kisser? I have. He used to attack me. I'm not sure if he was so afraid of rejection that his method of attempting to kiss me was to do it machine gun style, but whatever the reason, it was a scary thing. I tended to dodge. I dodged once and nearly got a black eye, however. Note: This is far worse if the dude has sharp, pointy facial hair.

4) The neck grab.
Okay - now, I admit, that I do sometimes like a little -- minor -- forcefulness. Like for instance, we're in a heated debate over the election of 1912 (which, is highly possible. Have you met my husband? History geek. And I love him for it), and in order to shut me up, he decides to kiss me. Okay, so my husband doesn't do this - but I wouldn't mind if he did. However -- what is *not* okay is when the dude wrestles you from behind and puts you in a chokehold. This is least effective when the guy is your height or shorter than you. I'm not sure why they think the Vulcan neck pinch is acceptable and necessary to kiss you.

5) The Stone Lipped Man.
Have you met him? He's a really super awesomely nice guy. But somehow, he managed to turn 26 without ever learning how to kiss. I was about 22. We dated a few times, and he refused to make a move. Finally, one night after cooking me dinner, he attempted to kiss me. Only he somehow replaced his lips when I wasn't looking with cold, hard marble. It was just. I mean. No. Not good.

6) Sand paper face.
Before every date, I make a point to shave my legs. Even now, when my dates are going to Home Depot with my husband -- still I shave my legs. But goodness. Those make out sessions with guys who don't shave -- OUCH. I like having skin on my face. And I like kissing you. Don't make me choose.

7) The questionable move.
Maybe I don't speak for all women, but I know I speak for most of the ones I know: don't make us make the first move. It can be subtle. We don't need a hollywood kiss. Just maybe -- the brush of your lips across the cheek. A forehead kiss. Something sweet, romantic and subtle enough to let us know that you're into us. There's nothing worse than those limbo dates. And trust me - we do analyze these moments for hours on end. No pressure.

I'm sure I missed some things... and I would be willing to bet that our reading public has some good stories. So, let's hear them. Worse dating faux pas? Anybody? Is this thing on?


Sam_I_am said...

Fiance has a goatee and if he doesn't keep it trimmed, I just about get rugburn. Hate it!

TishTash said...

Ahh...nice. You definitely hit all the important ones.

You can tell the ones who don't get a chance to kiss very often because not only are they unskilled, they are overzealous, which pretty much means all kinds of crap end up on various nooks and crannies in your face and neck area. Ick.

Muffy Willowbrook said...

oh my gosh - I, unfortunately, don't have anything worthy to add, but I have to say I giggled through this entire post. (What's not to love four martinis in, right?)

Hilarious stuff here, Doll.

Srg said...

I have one to add to the list! The limp-fish hand hold. This one guys I dated had nice muscular arms and fairly large hands, but whenever I held hands with him, it was like I was holding a limp fish. There was no grip. At all. It's like he curled his thumb around the base of my thumb and the rest of his fingers just hung there. So I just stopped holding his hand after a while. And then we stopped dating entirely. Trust me it was for the best!

SouthernBelle said...

This might seem wrong but I actually like the neck grip, at least when Mr Belle does it.

Sandpaper Face, not so much. Exfoliation is only good up to a point.

Sam_I_am said...

SJ, I left you an award.

Amy McMean a.k.a McSunshine said...

Is it bad that I know guys who fit all these or worse that I know ONE guy who fits all these?

This list cracked me up.

sj said...

a) i love your name. i also love grey's anatomy, so can i call you mcmeany?

b) thank you and i'm so sorry. that is so not cool. how can you be stone lip guy AND too much tongue guy? OMG! that's the worst! that also makes me think he's like super amphibian like and his hard tongue comes darting out and down your throat.

ewww. i just grossed myself out.

Pat Ferrucci said...

OK, so a little perspective from a male.

as someone with constant sand-paper face, i'm not sure if i have any right to be commenting, but ...

the first mistake i can sense from reading this: goatees are never ok. i don't believe in them. i've had conversations about this with other men and basically, it comes down to this: if i'm going to actually remember to shave on a daily basis, i'm going to shave my entire face. facial hair grooming seems odd to me. i don't shave some of my chest hair and leave other parts. women don't shave parts of their legs. why is it ok to shave parts of your face?

in short, i feel like if you women are dating men with goatees, they're going to fall into many of these categories and it's not his fault. the goatee should have been a red flag.

and if my two-day growth is bothering you, tell me. i've encountered women on both ends of the spectrum. some mind. some don't. i'm a lazy person when it comes to shaving. i apologize. but if you tell me it hurts, i'll remember.

you also forgot sitting on the same side of a table. i've encountered a lot of females who enjoy this. i don't get it, and almost any male i know hates it. besides just being a little too much, it also makes it more difficult to talk. i could just look straight at you ...

also, i'm guessing kissing is different for everyone, but no flicking of the tongue, ok? there's nothing worse than feeling like you're playing a thumb-wrestling match with tongues.

i couldn't agree more on 'the questionable move.' if i make a move, you'll know it. but, of course, women have a responsibility to subtely let us know that our move will be appreciated. i'm not trying anything unless it seems like the other person wants me to. it'd be like rape of a kiss.

and, in general, let's not forget the bad kisser. everyone likes kissing. bad kissers ruin all the fun, especially if you actually like said bad kisser. you can't tell someone they're a bad kisser, so what do you do? i have no idea. but more than any of these other things, the bad kisser is the worst offense.

well, besides the goatee. or, i guess, the neck grab. i don't ever expect to grab a girl's neck, unless it's a female burglar or something. that doesn't even make sense.

i'm loopy today. sinus medicine will do that.

Donald Tardy said...

A female burglar? "Hey, that's my TV! Come here you handsome tart!" So I grabbed her by the neck and proceeded to give her two black eyes with my chin and then I tied her up and gagged her, with my tongue. I'm the hottest date in greater Woonsocket. Dig?