He's cute when he panics

I gave the Pretend Husband copies of my past tax returns in an envelope yesterday and repeatedly warned him about not losing them, leaving them at his office, etc. Apparently, he listens to me as well as our puppy does (still working on the basics, like "Come," "Sit" and "Please don't chew on the coffee table.") So this is the email the PH sent me this morning…

It just occurred to me that I do not have your information on my desk. In a moment of panic I thought... “idiot, idiot, idiot! How could I lose your information? How would I get back all of your tax returns???? How will my life change– never have sex again except for the purposes of reproduction? How would it feel to be greeted with a look of bewilderment and disgust?” These thoughts went on for what felt like an eternity...
Then I got a grip on myself. I said to myself, “Chris (that is what I usually call myself in times of crisis), what did you do with the stuff? You were on the phone in your office, that is it!! Where could it be?” Hmmmm.... what did I do yesterday? Where was I before I left?
Oh yeah, the paralegals asked you about an envelope left in a file you closed yesterday. The other attorney is an idiot. Why did he leave me an envelope with somebody's tax information? What an idiot. Call the other attorney’s office and ask them what they want us to do with the information. In fact, ask his courier when they show up to pick up the package. What? The courier doesn't know what that is either? Oh well, hang onto it until they tell us what it is.
Then I thought, what was the name in that envelope? Looks a lot like the envelope I got from KAT. Do you think.....? No. Well, let’s check it out. Hmmmm..... KAT. Holy crap!!! I am the moron. Not the other attorney. However, I just saved my life and my sex life for that matter. It is only 10:30 am.
I love you!!

What did those commas ever do to you?

Overheard at work:
A know-it-all coworker commenting about someone she was going to interview being late for their appointment:
“I hate punctuation!”
(Um, do you mean "punctuality?" And why would you hate someone being on time?)

True love

I noticed today that a colleague of mine was wearing a new engagement ring and wedding band. After she affirmed that she had married her longtime boyfriend and I congratulated her, here’s what she had to say: “Basically, he’s been traveling back and forth every three months and this way I can be his sponsor for a green card. His parents were coming into town and three days before they arrived, we thought, ‘if we’re going to do it, we might as well do it now.’ It’s basically a last-ditch effort. It was either get married or break up and I figured I already have five years invested in the relationship. Besides, I’ve been divorced so it wouldn’t be such a big deal if this doesn’t work out. I’m probably taking these rings off as soon as his parents leave this afternoon. So it wasn’t really a ‘til death do us part’ thing. But thanks for your congratulations.”
And isn’t that exactly the kind of marriage every little girl dreams of?!?

How I Know I’m Not Ready to Be 30:

* At a family Fourth of July picnic, I couldn’t resist the temptation to get on the trampoline with the kids. I jumped so hard, I made one little boy bounce around and cry… twice! I asked him if he wanted us to stop jumping so he could get off and he cried, “No, I want you to go!” Tough luck, kiddo! I stayed.
* At a recent wedding (don't worry, MM, it wasn't yours!), I had enough Cosmopolitans during the cocktail hour to last me most of the night. That didn’t stop me, though, and I tried to order a Cabernet Sauvignon by asking for “a Cabernon Savernet” (in a French accent, of course!) Why the bartender didn’t cut me off is beyond me.
* I ended the night of the same wedding by vomiting. I’ve only thrown up three times in my life from drinking, but they all seem to have marked major events– the night after I graduated from college, following a wake for a coworker and now, a wedding. Having a christening or a bar mitzvah? Invite me– I promise an entertaining time for everyone!

"Orange" You Sad You Missed This Wedding?!?

You know how every wedding has those silly little things happen that may not seem funny at the time, but are sure to bring lots of laughter in the years to come? Despite my friend MM being the most organized person I know– planning her wedding down to the coordinating blue ribbons on the bridesmaid gifts– even hers could not escape those silly happenings. And I figure, why wait to laugh? Here are some of the highlights from the MM marries MP nuptials…
*Bridesmaid Lynne’s strong resemblance to an Oompa Loompa (those little orange men in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”). Although I was happy to live with the tan lines on my shoulders in the wedding photos, Lynne looked like she was wearing a white short-sleeved shirt over her tan arms. Her plan was to test self-tanner on her feet the night before the wedding and then spray it on her shoulders in time to look stunning in the strapless bridesmaid dress. Not fully reading the directions, Lynne shot off a couple of squirts of self-tanner at her feet and waited for them to turn a deep, rich tan color. When it didn’t happen in two or three minutes, she continued to spray her feet at a close range. It was then that she read the can and found it would take two to three HOURS for the tan to appear. The rehearsal dinner was spent making periodic checks on Lynne’s feet and watching them turn orange (with dark orange drips as garnish). Luckily, she erred on the side of caution when later using the stuff on her shoulders.
*The father of the bride, ignoring the wishes of his wife and daughter, spent the day before the wedding working in the yard… and collecting gnat bites on his forehead. They faded in time for the wedding, but if they hadn’t, Lynne planned a surprise attack on Mr. M’s forehead with the self-tanner.
*The wedding coordinator at the church confused the groom, MP, with the best man, Mike. And the two men let her go on for a bit before asking any questions.
Coordinator: You two will stand here. MP, when the maid of honor arrives at the altar, you’re going to escort her to this chair and sit next to her.
Two Guys: OK.
Coordinator: And Mike, you’re going to wait here for the bride and her father.
Two Guys: OK.
Coordinator: Mike, you shake the father’s hand and greet the bride.
Two Guys: Sounds good.
Coordinator: You can even give her a little kiss on the cheek if you want.
Two Guys: Um, OK.
Coordinator: Then Mike, you escort the bride to this seat over here and sit next to her.
MP: Wait, I’M the groom. Shouldn’t I sit next to her?
*The mean male manicurist who worked on me and one of the other bridesmaids. He told me my thumbs would look silly if I didn’t have tips put on them and yelled at her for having short nails. (Um, buddy? You work for tips! Zip it!)
*The make-up artist who would NOT STOP TALKING. She made us all an hour late to get the bride home to change, giving us 10 minutes to throw on our dresses and shoes before the photographer arrived. I spent a half hour not responding to her while she did my make-up and still learned:
1. Her parents corrected her grammar all the time while she was growing up, making her nervous about word usage.
2. She woke up late and hadn’t eaten anything yet. If I heard gurgling, it was probably her stomach.
3. Her eyes water a lot.
4. Her nose piercing really, really itched and that’s why she kept making weird faces.
5. She really likes to eat.
6. Tons of other facts about herself that I had no interest in.
While the weekend didn’t go off without a hitch, in the end, they did get hitched. MM and MP were married in a beautiful ceremony (making them both MP– I have no idea how to identify them in future stories!) Congrats to the happy couple! (And for the rest of you, I’ll sell funny photos of Lynne’s feet for the low, low price of $5– email me for details.)