Acing the boyfriend test

The PH (Pretend Husband) passed a critical test this weekend; he met my coworkers for the first time. I had filled him in on who was who, how half the company is related to one another, who I like and who he was supposed to avoid at all costs.
I was glad I took the time to give him the background because it was easy to lean over during the holiday party and whisper “that’s the one who spread rumors about me having an affair with a coworker and then actually had one herself” and “that’s the woman who’s nice, but a little loopy; remember I told you about her?”
Just to make sure the PH is up for a relationship with my crazy self, we sat at a table with a guy who is known all over the world as one of the foremost Michael Jackson impersonators. Yep, the best fake MJ works for me. He indulged us with all sorts of funny stories and I was happy to see that he doesn’t take the role too seriously.
Fake MJ told us about being hired to perform at a plumber’s convention and at a lumberjack convention (what do lumberjacks convene about- the latest technological advances in pruning?!?). Nervous about going out into the audience after his performance, he asked the organizer what he was thinking when booking the act for a bunch of the toughest guys in town. The organizer’s reasoning was, “I like Michael Jackson.”
Luckily, the holiday gathering was focused on food (and alcohol, of course) so we had to do little mingling and making small chat (I see these people for, like, 10 hours a week… what could I possibly have to say to them on the weekend?) But the little that the PH said apparently left a good impression. On Monday, my boss told me he seems like a nice guy. And another coworker said, “He has a nice face.”
I only hope I do as well on my test when we hang out with his parents later this week…

How I learned snow tubing is not for me.

Number of times Jason and I have sat in the ER together: five.
Number of years we’ve been together: four..

Not a good average.

First off, I should have known better than to even attempt it. My track record with doing things that require coordination – like walking, playing any kind of sport, etc. – is not so good. In fact, I’ve earned myself four pairs of crutches in my lifespan, and I’m not 29 yet.

So, the first thought in my head, when I laid there waiting to get my breath back and taking a mental check of my faculties (‘can I move?’ ‘ow. not yet’), was: “Jason is going to kill me. But, I do have disability insurance now.”

I lasted exactly 3 seconds on the track. not even, actually. On the third second, I had been air borne, and about to land squarely on the back of my head. The good news was, I was mentally aware of every second that had passed – I never blacked out, and there was no blood. But there was a sudden rush of nausea and double vision as I made my way – with the help of joy’s brother – down the hill sans tube and on foot.

Joy’s bro was funny – “do you want me to feel it and make sure it’s not broken?” he offered. I would have laughed if I hadn’t been concentrating very hard on not puking.

I wasn’t going to try it- mostly because my neck had already been bothering me -- but now at least I’m not favoring one side or the other – I’ll have limited mobility over the next few days waiting for the muscles to de-inflame.

We went to the ER just to get checked out. My noggin is already sensitive to migraines, so the headache wasn’t that bad. I’ve taken worse knocks to the back of the head, but my neck muscles are troublesome.

The first thing EVERYONE asked me: “are you pregnant?” Clearly these people don’t read our blog.

“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Absolutely sure?”
“Yes.”
“Would you stake your next month’s mortgage payment on it?”
(Fraction of a pause as I looked at j) “Yes.”
For emphasis, J added, “You just had your period...”
I nodded.
“It could be first trimester bleeding….”

Doc, you’re freaking me out more than the head.

The good thing about this is that since I can’t lift my neck yet, I’ve been using my abs, which are sore today from all of the extra work. And shampooing is just painful. You don’t realize how badly you need your neck to work until it doesn’t.

Ford Should Specialize in Fertility

For those of you paying attention to the sj womb watch, which for those that know me is only mildly more fascinating than the brangelina womb watch, we’ll be drinking prosecco with KAT tomorrow night for card night. (hey- which reminds me, KAT, are you in for card night?)

Mother nature is having her flirty little way with my reproductive system, which has hitherto been a normal 27 day set your clock kind of deal. This month, it was 32. Maybe that’s a sign. I should wait until I’m 32, since clearly, 27 no longer works for my body.

My reproductive organs and I have a long and fascinating history that hasn’t always been pleasant. I’m trying to be nice to them so I can count on them in the clutch – but it’s hard to rely on things that may or may not work when you want them to. Besides, they cause me physical pain and no one likes a bully.

Let’s take flora for instance. My lovable six-year old focus has developed a bit of a bladder problem. Inside the car. She seems to collect water on the passenger side. I don’t get it – and the crack in my windshield is over the driver side and the water may or may not be there after a rainy day. And it seemed to start when they replaced the pillar trim. The mildew-y smell is a little icky, but I can get over it with some Yankee Candle car scents. I blast the heat on the floor boards and fantasize about my next car – a Volvo… or-or-or – a Chrysler Pacifica (I may be the only one who loves that car) or-or-or a Passat Wagon.

I deal with these little flora-quirks because she loves me back. she starts when I need her to start, she gets there with little gas and she sings to me beloved BNL and Diana Krall songs that get me through my commute.

I wish I could say the same for my ovaries. They don’t sing to me. They don’t warm my feet. And getting them to work would cost nearly as much as a Passat Wagon.

Remaining resolute

Ahh, the new year… a time to get those resolutions in order, make life changes and get a fresh start. I’ve thought about what I want to change for 2006 and I’m happy to say I haven’t come up with much. I’m pretty happy about how 2005 went so I think I will resolve to do more of what made it such a good year.
- I resolve to continue card nights, country line dance outings, drinks after soccer games, trips to Massachusetts and Rhode Island, more card nights, dinners out, girls nights and, of course, card nights. I’m lucky to have the friends I do and if I have to resolve anything concerning them, it’s to tell them how I feel more often.
- I resolve to keep things in perspective. I almost missed out on the best thing to happen to me in 2005 because of a silly issue. Luckily, the voice of reason (otherwise known as “Dad”) spoke up, saying, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re being pretty shallow.” Thanks to Dad and some wise words from friends, the pretend husband has become the very real boyfriend. I haven’t stopped smiling…
- I resolve to spend my free time being free. I spent most of my weekends this summer at my family’s cottage; it was quiet, sometimes solitary, mostly beautiful and always a good way to unwind. It was nice to keep the hectic pace to the weekdays and spend my weekends relaxing.
- Like the majority of the country, I resolve to stay healthy and lose a couple of pounds. But I refuse to drive myself crazy about it. Last year, I ate pretty well and exercised fairly regularly. But I also didn’t feel like I had to turn down trips for ice cream with friends, happy hour invitations or the occasional fried clam dinner. I’m resolving to be happy with who I am.
- I resolve to eat chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. Because SJ is planning to cut back, I think someone needs to pick up the slack. This ties in with the above resolution and although I don’t plan on adding more junk food to my diet, there’s nothing that says starting the day with a cookie (or ice cream) will kill me. And it makes me happy.
- I resolve to take chances. I completed some classes last year and fulfilled my dream to be on the radio. It took hard work and some sacrifices, but I’ve never regretted a moment of it. I will keep this lesson in mind as I face some new choices this year.
Whatever you resolve to do- or not do- this year, have fun with it. It’s a lot easier to stick to a plan you enjoy. Leave some time for solitude (I’ll give you directions to the cottage if you want…), take some risks... and think of me when opting for the Oreos over oatmeal!

it's a snow day

it's still snowing. it's been like this since about 7 yesterday night, and still the heavy wet snow falls.

i swapped my home day to today in order to avoid driving. it's not so much the roads in the morning as it is, the roads at the end of the day. but days like this bring me back to real snow days...

when we were younger, we'd troop out to build forts, go sledding on the smallest hill ever and have so much fun blasting each other with snow balls. but somewhere along the way, snow days turned into less fun and more trouble.

maybe it corresponded to when i started driving, since most of the trouble is car related. but i miss the days when it was bundle up into whatever clothes will keep you the warmest and dryest and lets go make snow angels.

now i have to worry about looking presentable when i leave the house, and whether or not my little car will make it up the hill.

so today, i'm drinking hot cocoa, eating pb and j for lunch and i still haven't changed out of my pjs. bring on the snow, i say. sure i'll have to clean off my car eventually, but right now, i'm considering what would make the best substitute for a corn cob pipe.