Sunday, February 08, 2009

SJ's Adventures in Animal Husbandry

So I was in 4H as a child, as I've previously discussed. You'd think that would have prepared me for my afternoon adventures pimping out rabbits.

It didn't.

What's that, you ask? You want me to elaborate on pimping out rabbits?

You asked for it.

J and I stopped by to visit my parents, like we try to do every weekend. Only this time, on our way out to the little barn in back, dad asked us to "breed the bunnies."

me: "Wait, what?"
dad: "You were a 4H-er."

I was. But for the record, my trophies were in Wood Working and Flower Arranging.

Ergo, comedy ensues.

We figured really, how hard can it be? Put the male bunny into the female bunny's hutch, and let them have at it. We figured that can't be hard. So we take the black (male) bunny, and put it into the hutch of the white with black female lop bunny. My goal here was to try and get a black lop bunny out of the deal. I realize there's a science here, but, I was kind of more relying on the fact that there are only two colors at work here, and one black bunny plus one black and white bunny equals at least one black bunny.

J holds up on the hutch as I grab the black bunny and put him into the hutch of the shy black and white bunny. I felt badly. I mean. I should have at least given her some flowers? Maybe turn on some music? Within 10 seconds, the black bunny was. Um. "Finished."

"Do you think they want to cuddle?" J asked.
The black bunny stomped his haunches. I scolded him. "That is *not* how you win her love and affection."

All in all, the first one went off without a hitch. I wasn't sure, however, if I should have put a curtain up so the other female couldn't see what was going on.

As it turns out, I probably should have.

Next we tried to mate the male grey bunny with the other lop - a pretty white with brown and grey spots. Let me just stipulate that my father swears that the lops were both female.

So imagine my surprise when I put the grey male in and the lop mounts him immediately. He didn't so much as put up a fight! We were floored. Not as floored, however, as when the male then mounted the female's head.

"They're doing it wrong!"
"What do we do?"
"Get him! I feel like I'm watching Oz!"

We let them go. um. after each other a few more times. And then the two of them laid down in the corner.

"OH MY GOD! They're cuddling!"
"He's gay."
"He's NOT GAY! He's sensitive."

Finally, without a small degree of scurrying, I managed to grab the grey one and put him back in his hutch.

And then we had to explain this to my parents. Which, honestly, can be a little awkward. Go ahead. I dare you. Try to explain the concept of the male mounting the female's head to your mother.

"I know what it's called when *humans* do it... but..."

All in all, I'm not sure I'm cut out to run a bunny brothel. I think maybe next time, I'll leave it to the experts.

8 comments:

Andy said...

hahahahahahahahaha

Oh man, what a good one. That wasn't even a mandatory "haha." That was a real "haha," emphasized with multiple "ha's".

Bunny pimping! You just get better and better SJ

Srg said...

Ok - I had no idea your dad was breeding bunnies! The scary thing is I can actually visualize this whole scene. And even the gay bunnies got to have a little fun out of the deal!

SouthernBelle said...

Those dirty, dirty little bunnies!

Now I'll have a whole new picture in my head when someone refers to effing like bunnies!

FunnyGal KAT said...

HA HA HA! You say you'll "leave it to the experts" next time, which is why I'm sad to inform you that you and J ARE the experts. I mean, you've now bred bunnies two more times than anyone else here-- if that doesn't make you an expert, I don't know what does.

Oh, and did I mention? HA HA HA!

TishTash said...

It's always the cute and innocent ones, I swear.

Sam_I_am said...

You're a Bunny Madame!

Funny in my mind said...

Isn't there an actual "Bunny Ranch?" on HBO or something, well THAT is the real thing, girlie, you need a show on Animal Planet

Denise said...

Breeding bunnies IS hysterical. Every single time. I know this because I've watched it - a lot. And laughed a lot. Though that was when I was young, and drank a wee bit - everything was funnier then. ;-)