Once I’ve mastered caller id, I plan to tackle that whole three-way calling thing

You’d think I would have learned my lesson last year when I got two calls from ex-boyfriends in the same week. Two calls from people I have no desire to talk to ever again and, in the case of one of them, ohmygodwehaventdatedinsevenyearssowhyareyoustillcallingme?!? We dated for three years so here it is– more than double the time we dated– and you’re still calling me why?

Obviously, when they called, I answered not knowing it was them because I had long ago erased their numbers from my phone (given that we had been broken up for so long, there was a reason for the break-up and we no longer have anything in common). So I instituted a new rule that has served me well for about a year: I don’t pick up calls from numbers I don’t recognize. Sure, I’ve missed a couple of crucial calls that way (such as the one from the vet after I called in a panic about something Molly had wrong with her). But that’s what voicemail is for, right? And for every important call I missed, I’m sure there were two unimportant ones I missed as well.

Well, yesterday wasn’t the best day for me. I got some bad news about a relative and was struggling with some work stuff. I had already gotten a call from someone I’m doing some work for (the number was vaguely familiar and I took the chance it was him because… well, because he writes me checks). Anyway, I was a little out of sorts when my phone rang and the number was unfamiliar, but sort of, perhaps, maybe it rang a bell and wasn’t I just talking to someone last week with a similar number?

So I answered it… and regretted the next seven minutes of my life. It was the ex-boyfriend, the one I dated for three years, then didn’t date for seven. The one who, whenever I think about him, I am so, so grateful that we broke up. I’m pretty sure I would have a divorce under my belt by now if we had gotten married (not that I’m revealing a secret engagement or anything, but after three years of dating, it was probably headed somewhere in that direction eventually).

Anyway, I suffered through the questioning, trying to be as vague as possible.
“Are you married?” “Not yet.”
“When are you getting married?” “November.”
“How’d you meet?” “Mutual friends.”
“What’s his name?” “[First name only]”
“Did your sister get married yet?” “Yes.”

And I asked him some questions because it seemed like a better option than having to reveal anything else about myself.
“Still married?”
“Still on the first wife?”
“Kids yet?”
Turns out he has a kid, which is nice for him, but seriously, I DON’T CARE. The only thing I feel about that is sorry for the kid.

Then he had the audacity to give me marriage advice! (Are you kidding me?) He advised me not to get drunk at the wedding and to realize that the day is all about the bride. What a jerk! Which is why, as soon as we got off the phone, I did save his phone number. But under the name “DO NOT ANSWER!” I can think of a couple of other numbers that may end up in there. But I should assure SJ that her number is not one of them (I was at the grocery store when you called last night and that’s the only reason I didn’t answer. I swear!)