Monday, September 10, 2007

Just so we’re all on the same page, ya know = give a blow job

I can’t believe I’ve never posted this story here! It’s definitely one of my favorites and gets told at a lot of parties. You’re just going to have to imagine me doing a wink, wink, nudge, nudge motion every time I write ya know.

Years ago, when I worked as a newspaper reporter, we had a photographer who was a big goof with no social skills. He provided some pretty regular entertainment in the newsroom, sometimes funny and sometimes not so funny (like when he made SJ cry during her first week on the job. I ripped him a new one for that because our boss was a pansy who wouldn’t stand up for anyone or anything).

Anyway, the Big Goof came in one day and asked myself and someone else how to approach his neighbor. They had had a few conversations, seemed to hit it off and he wanted to ask her on a date. Taking him seriously (the first and only time, I think), we advised him to ask her out to lunch since that’s a little less formal than a dinner date. So he did and she turned him down by saying she had to go to the dentist that day.

On the day in question, he went home around lunchtime and ran into the neighbor girl. He came running into the office and reported that she had been to the dentist and been told she had nine cavities. I felt bad for the guy and said, “Big Goof, I hate to say it, but I think that’s an excuse so she can say she has to go to the dentist if you ask her out again.”

To which Big Goof responded, “You know how you get that many cavities, don’t you? It’s when you ya know and don’t brush your teeth afterward!”

Me: "What?!?"

Big Goof, "It’s when you ya know and don’t brush your teeth afterward!”

I said, “Uh, Big Goof? You don’t get cavities from that.”

He said, “How would you know?” and started giggling like a schoolgirl.

Rolling my eyes, I went into another room and told another reporter (an older woman) the whole story. We laughed about what a loser Big Goof was and went on with our lives. Well, a few minutes later, Big Goof came in and started telling the other reporter the story… “It’s when you ya know and don’t brush your teeth afterward!”

Just to mess with him, the reporter said, “Wait. What’s ya know?”

So he repeated, “It’s when you ya know and don’t brush your teeth afterward!”

The reporter: “Big Goof, what’s ya know?”

Apparently, saying “oral sex” or using any sort of euphemism was too much for this 25-year-old… he blushed, said “never mind” and ran out of the room.

The best part of this story happened a couple days later when we were still laughing about what happened and our editor wanted in on the joke. We went through the whole story and at the end, the editor’s only comment was, “The only oral Big Goof’s ever going to get is Oral B!” (Yeah, we were a pretty professional bunch!)

A couple of weeks later, the Big Goof got arrested for stalking the girl and tried to pin some of the blame on me for advising him to ask her out (Dude! I said ask her out once, not keep asking her out until she fears for her safety and, oh! follow her around town and randomly show up when she’s at the grocery store or hanging out with friends.) A short time after that, I left that job with some good memories, some bad memories and the best story ever.

1 comment:

sj said...

wow. that brought me back, man. it brought me back.

for the record, i was brought to tears of extreme frustration. i had gotten into an argument with him when he accused me of "being a part of the news" when, while interviewing him, i offered to help a young boy with cystic fibrosis with a box, one of about a half dozen boxes which he had been taking to a homeless shelter.

the big goof berrated me and said if someone was laying in front of him, injured, his job as a "photo journalist" was to take the picture, not help them.

i argued that it was my job as a human to help him. and if he was a decent photographer, he could get a picture of him carrying one of the other 5 boxes.