If you’re not a lesbian, why are you hitting on me?

So I went to this outing for my soccer league last night, a happy hour at a brewery followed by a comedy show. It was fun… especially the part where another player tried to pick me up.

Well, that may not be exactly the case, but I’ll let you decide for yourself. I got there and found that no one from my team had arrived yet. There were about 25 people there, one or two who I recognized, but no one I really knew. You can imagine my relief when, while I was waiting for my drink at the bar, a woman sitting on a nearby barstool introduced herself. Even if she was a stranger, it was still better than standing in a corner by myself sipping a drink, you know?

I learned “Elaine’s” life story over the next 20 minutes or so. She’s 56 years old, but really likes playing in the league (um, just to clarify so you don’t think I’m some old lady who plays in a senior league, the league is actually mostly people in their 20s and 30s and besides, I play in the “A” division while Elaine rocks the “B” division). She’s never been married, but has had a lot of boyfriends. And she doesn’t regret not finding a husband, but she does kind of wish she had kids. (What is it about me that makes people tell me their entire life story?!?)

Then Elaine touched my arm and asked, “Are you married?” I told her I’m getting married later this year and she said he’s a lucky guy, I seem like a great person and I’m very attractive. Not sure what kind of look crossed my face, but she followed up with, “You can say that kind of thing when you get older… I’m not a lesbian. Far from it!”

Which isn’t that strange in itself, but when a teammate showed up a short time later and we finally shook off Elaine, she mentioned that the two of us at the bar had seemed kind of cozy. She said it looked like we knew each other really well (really? Even with me leaning as far back on my stool as I could without falling off?) and she kind of wondered what was going on.

Admittedly not the greatest story I’ve ever posted and while I’m confessing here, I should tell you that you really only got this story because the title I came up for it is one of my most favorite ever. I’m thinking of having T-shirts made up.