Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Welcome to the Jungle

The other night, I was among a group of people hanging out for happy hour (yes, I know, a big change for me!) who got to witness the primal mating ritual between the species.
A conversation in the bathroom tipped me off to the fun to come:
“Your breasts are so nice.”
“Yeah, yours are natural and mine are naturally paid for.”
Upon further study, I learned the speakers were a large woman and her friend of dyed blondness and too much makeup (want to take a guess about which one had the fake boobs?) The bathroom story was enough to inspire the group to subtly check out the women when we returned to the bar (purely out of scientific curiosity, of course!) As we discussed our subjects- the large one, the frilly one and another one that seemed to be an older and saggier version of the primped one- we also noticed some movement around the group. It seems the lions were moving in for the kill.
Although they were trying to be subtle, our trained eyes were able to see that the males in the vicinity had spotted their prey and were coming up with plans of attack. The male researchers in our group hypothesized about how the kill would happen… and how they would approach the situation if they weren’t such upstanding observers (or married). It was decided that the best attack would include multiple males to distract the larger and older victims with small chat and free drinks while the most suave of the predators snuck up on the one with frosted lipstick and engaged her in conversation.
Our theories were not far off. An older male got into the action by wooing the hightop-wearing mom and starting a conversation with her and the large lady. In the same movement, a red-shirt beast sidled up to the unsuspecting (and definitely unfashionable) prey. Before she could react to the penetration of her herd, the female was wooed by a drink and small touches on her arm while most likely being told how beautiful her breasts… I mean, her eyes… were.
We left before the ritual played itself out, but I’m guessing that was one lucky lion that left the bar that night!


PuceMole said...

I hadn't been that close to an actual live mating ritual in some time. I felt like I was in one of those drive-thru safaris. I swear I heard an Australian accent whisper, "Crikey! Isn't she gorgeous? Look at the, um... eyes... on 'er"

My nomination for Funny Gals' Line of the Year: "Before she could react to the penetration of her herd." Nicely done. *tips cap*

George Bush said...

Re: Cannon story:

It did my heart proud to learn that there is at least one other patriotic American in this great country of ours besides myself. Your father is to be congratulated for his willingness to prepare to face the terrorist threats we face from both within this nation and around the world. Keep up the good work you true and faithful patriot!!! signed, George Bush