Monday, December 12, 2005

Here's hoping "crazy" skipped a generation!

I cannot believe what I am about to write, but my dad informed us this morning that he purchased a cannon. That's right, if enemy forces invade my small Connecticut hometown, my dad will be leading the defensive charge.
Although a cannon seems like a pretty random purchase, anyone who knows my dad probably isn't that surprised by it. He's a huge Civil War buff (to the point where we spent every other summer tromping around battlefields that looked an awful lot like any other grassy field to us kids, but kept my dad telling stories about the battles that took place there for days). He's also a very big fan of eBay and now that he's retired he probably spends more time on the computer than I do at work (OK, I admit that's not such a powerful statement given the short hours I tend to work, but you get the idea...) Anyway, throwing together a love of history, an addiction to online auctions and a pinch of complete lunacy apparently results in the purchase of a cannon.
We first heard about the purchase from an email Dad sent out asking my brother to drive to upstate New York to pick it up. (A's response was, "If a love of the Civil War is a genetic trait, I hope to God I'm recessive.")
My response to the email was, "Oh my gosh, the old man's finally lost it!" To make myself feel better, I called my dad to talk about the cannon... which didn't make me feel better at all.
According to Dad, ""I've always wanted a cannon." (Who knew? But we can't fault the guy for fulfilling a lifelong dream, can we?) And he already knows what he's going to do with it; it's going in the garden outside the front door of the house. "It's going to face out, which is south, in case any Confederates come," said Dad.
He also told me he's going to rig it so he can fire it "but only on Memorial Day, the Fourth of July, Veterans' Day and when somebody asks." (Oh yeah, I'm sure most people are going to walk by a cannon in the front yard without asking if it works, right? I have a feeling "firing when somebody asks" translates to "anytime someone comes to visit.")
In case you're wondering about my old man's sanity, he assured me, "I'm not crazy, just a little looney." (I may have to get that one in writing... from a doctor... following electroshock treatment... to believe it!) So, if you're in the area and wondering just what a Civil War cannon sounds like, drop by my dad's house... all you have to do is ask.


George Bush said...

Re: Cannon story:

It did my heart proud to learn that there is at least one other patriotic American in this great country of ours besides myself. Your father is to be congratulated for his willingness to prepare to face the terrorist threats we face from both within this nation and around the world. Keep up the good work you true and faithful patriot!!! signed, George Bush

Howard Dean said...


little sis said...

What is George Bush talking about?!? This cannon fetish has nothing to do with terrorists; Dad thinks the Confederates are coming knocking on his door!

little sis said...

So.... the cannon saga continues. Once I became aware of Dad's latest eBay purchase, I called him to ask him if he was out of his mind. He agreed with me that perhaps he hadn't fully thought through the logistics of how he is going to get a 500+ pound cannon into the back of A's truck. Yet, to my surprise, in the next breath Dad is contemplating his next purchase. "You know, E, I might just get a second cannon." "What?!?" "Yeah, I could put cannons all over the yard." If the neighbors thought he was crazy before, just wait until they look out their windows and see an ever-growing collection of life-size cannons lining his perimeter.
And the scary part is, Dad is actually planning on firing the cannon. Here I am, picturing cannon balls flying through our neighbor's walls, but Dad assured me, that "I won't fire anything out of it; I'll just blow it up (using gunpowder)." And he'll only do that when he has visitors. Because you know, as Dad says, "How many people have a real cannon in their front yard?" I don't know, Dad, probably just you.

KAT said...

Update: In making plans to go pick up the cannon, my dad found out that there's a second cannon on the property that is for sale. The owner told him to feel free to take it and he can pay him later (apparently the world of cannon wholesalers is a pretty trusting bunch!) Stay tuned to find out if the house I grew up in becomes a fort. If Dad starts building a turret or a moat, I'm seriously considering checking him into the nursing home early!

Jack Bauer said...

If any terrorist shit comes down out in New England... I'll know where to hook myself up with some trusty firepower! Thanks!

Friend from AZ said...

So, does he get cannon balls with his purchase too??? If not, I see the perfect Christmas gift. KAT, start your EBAY bidding!