Who needs these fancy baby products when we have a whole refrigerator full of options?

Butt paste, nipple butter-- there are some interesting products for mother and baby out there. I was the guest of honor at two wonderful baby showers this weekend, and was also the recipient of a box of nipple butter at the first shower, which was a couples event that had both the Pretend Husband and I opening gifts.

After opening the nipple butter (it's meant to bring relief for nursing mothers), I began joking around about what other products might be available: nipple mayonnaise? Ooh, the PH likes mustard... how about nipple mustard? But he LOVES hot sauce. How about that?

While we continued opening gifts, the PH's guy friends started rustling around in the next room. Shortly after, we were handed the last gift-- a strange looking black bag that wasn't exactly in the baby shower style.

I peeked inside and immediately handed it to the PH, saying, "It's for you." He then pulled out a bottle of hot sauce with a label his friends created that said, "Red Hot Nipple Sauce."

I'm all for making my husband happy, but I think the line gets drawn somewhere around the idea of putting a spicy condiment on certain sensitive areas of my body. (Oh great, with all this talk about hot sauce, now I'm craving buffalo wings!)

My parents should have named me Grace

Because being eight months pregnant isn't enough of a challenge, I went ahead and broke my toe last night. (Well, maybe. The Pretend Husband thinks it might just be badly sprained, but it's painful nonetheless). It wasn't even doing something acrobatic or daring-- I pulled open a door without getting my foot fully out of the way and smashed the littlest toe.

Whether it's sprained or broken, it really hurts. I have worn nothing but flip-flops for the last three months, but even those are bothering it. They are kicked off under my desk right now.

The PH has been semi-sympathetic to my pain. He has made all the right noises ("I'm sorry you're in pain) and he also suggested I give the breathing technique I plan on using during childbirth a try ("If it doesn't work for a little toe, you should probably be looking for something else to use for labor!") He has a point.

I'm in danger of being reported to the fashion police

With kat's lil sis, her husband and the two cutest nephews in the world visiting this week, the Pretend Husband and I gave up our room and moved into the guest room. So, each night this week, I have gone up to our room to pick out my work clothes for the next day. Last night, I didn't because there was a clean basket of laundry in the guest room and I figured I could find my clothes there.

My only option this morning was a black thong under white capri pants. And wouldn't you know, this is the only morning this week that my nephews let their parents sleep in, so no one was awake when I left (and there's no way I was going to take a chance at waking two sleeping kiddos by going into my closet).

So, I'm sporting quite the look at work today. I'm laying low in my office and as far as I know, none of my coworkers have noticed my apparel (either that, or they're too polite to say anything). I figure it's better to have them staring at my butt than the huge, protruding belly in the front anyway!

My weirdest pregnancy symptom...

I have no scientific backing for this statement, but multiple tests run by yours truly have proven it: pregnancy improves your aim. I can throw a piece of paper into a trash can from across the room. I have even tossed things over my shoulder without looking and made it in. I stunned the Pretend Husband the other day by lobbing something into the garbage from three-point range. I can't miss!

So, while my ankles are swollen to the point of non-existence and I can't remember my own name half the time, I have some mad basketball skills to fall back on. I'm thinking of creating a team of pregnant women and petitioning the WNBA for admission.

That eight minutes even included three questions asked and answered!

Dear Doctor,

I realize your time is valuable. Which is why I was not only on time for my appointment this morning, but I was even early. We have to see each other every two weeks now, so I figure it doesn't hurt to butter you up a bit.

But when I got to the window to sign in, the woman in front of me mentioned she was there to see you, too, leading me to believe your office double-books you. Which is fine with me, especially because my appointments these days never last more than 10 minutes.

But the question remains, why did they have you take the woman with the 45-minute appointment before the preggo with the 10-minute one? If you're going to leave a patient waiting, isn't it better to have her sitting there for 10 minutes rather than 45? And, by the way, you saw me for all of eight minutes, which would have meant even less time for Miss Full Examination And Then Some to wait.

Yes, you have a very important job that sometimes takes longer than the time allotted. But I consider my job to be pretty important too (especially because I'd like to keep it and not get fired for being gone half the morning). I hope you will take this into consideration for future appointments.

Regards,

Your Patient (although probably not your favorite)