Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Do you think I'll have to list "Insulated in Porn" on the disclosure form?

Well, we here at Funny Gals wouldn't dare let six months go buy without someone buying real estate, and so to ease the burden of KAT and the PH, who like to buy a new house once a year, we've decided to bite the bullet and buy a new house.

Really, this is mostly because my shoe collection has outgrown two closets and threatens to take over my life. And because more than half of my beloved bakeware lives in Rubbermaid because I don't have enough storage space in my tiny, though beautiful kitchen.

Which means, in short: we're moving.

As everyone knows, with moving comes a good deal of cleaning, house hunting, staging and the whole nine, since we will of course have to sell our house in order to move into a great big one. (Or, a slightly bigger than the current one and by that I really mean twice the size because let's face it, I am NOT going through this again.)

And with the selling comes a question: Do we have to disclose that our house is insulated in porn?

Oh? You mean I haven't shared that story before?

Well, yes. As it happens, our house is insulated in pornography. We discovered this five years ago when we bought the house and were putting in heat on the second floor. Just me (the youngest of three girls), my fiance at the time and my father - who, for the record, looks alarmingly like John Wayne, sitting around doing home improvements when lo and behold, my father discovered a stash of porn that could rival the archive of Playboy under the floorboards.

And with publications much, much more foul than Playboy. And when I say publications, really, I mean we found pornography in every medium possible and not limited to slides, photos, magazines, newspapers and soft cover (no hard cover. make your jokes now...) books.

As you can imagine, this is a story that often gets repeated when I'm sitting around having some beers with friends. Which is why, when I recently told one of my bloggy buddies that I was moving his reaction was: what are you going to do with all of your porn?

Another very good friend of mine suggested that the porn may in fact be a selling point.

I'm not so sure. In fact, I'm starting to worry that the next owners may discover the porn on their own and think me much more... interesting.... than I really am. I almost want to bury a little Vera Bradley note card under the floor boards that says:

"Hi there!
Just so you know, this wasn't my porn. It was here when we moved in. And the color in the living room is caled "Irish Paddock" - I've left you the curtains because they match perfectly. Enjoy! And by that I mean the color of the walls. Dirty bird.
Love, SJ"


FunnyGal KAT said...

I say it's a selling point. I mean, it IS the reason we spent so much time at your house-- we were hoping to get a peek at the infamous house porn. Another interesting tidbit is that the guy who lived in the house (the keeper of the porn, if you will) once owned a bar that had telephones at each table so if someone sitting at a table was interested in someone at another table, they could just call them up. I find that fact almost as interesting as the idea that one person owned enough porn to literally line the walls of a house.

Soda and Candy said...

Euuuwww. So when he got lonely he'd just pull up the nearest floorboard?

; )

Pat Ferrucci said...

That telephone thing is absolutely amazing. That's too funny.

I just retold the story to the person who sits next to me here at work and they think you should take all the porn out of the walls, etc.

According to Joe, "We found lots of Nazi stuff in our walls when we bought our house some 25 years ago. We sold it all easily. I can't imagine now with eBay. I bet there's a strong market out there for vintage porn."

I think Joe figured it all out. Go on eBay, make a new user name of VintagePorn69 or something, sell away. Before you know it, you'll have paid off the ol' mortgage.

Your friend with plenty of good ideas,


jal12771 said...

Oh I like Pat's idea.. you could possibly make enough to totally furnish your NEW home!!!

BeckEye said...

I agree that it's a selling point. In fact, I have no idea where you live, and I have no money, but I kinda want to buy your house now.

Nickie. said...

hey-just wanted to let u know that my blog has a new home, over at wordpress. so ill be commenting/posting from there now.