Missing Callie

A good dog passed away today. Callie was our family dog for about 20 minutes before kat's lil sis became her master. And the two of them ended up living in more places than I've even visited (what does it say when your furry, four-legged niece is more well-traveled than you are?) I think lil sis said Callie made eight moves in her 11 years before finally settling down in Georgia-- well, as much as she could settle down with two other dogs and two kids in the house!

I was away at college when my family brought Callie home and didn't get to meet her for a few more weeks. But I am still proud of the fact that I was the one who named her, even from afar (and, after, I should add, a two-hour span of her being called "Hailey" before everyone decided the name didn't fit her).

A big, gentle German shepherd, she loved people and most other dogs. I didn't realize how big and powerful she looked until I started taking her for walks in the woods and watched as other people dragged their children and dogs off the side of the trail until we passed. It didn't help that Callie would choose those times to bark ferociously as I tried to both lead her past and yell, "She's gentle, I swear! She just likes to bark!" at the same time.

Kat's lil sis took wonderful care of her-- taking her for hikes in the Colorado mountains, letting her swim in the lake in Connecticut and talking walks along the beach with her in Florida (seriously, I think there are more photos of Callie in picturesque places than there are of me!) And Callie always adapted to it all-- even to the addition of lil sis' husband, two more dogs, one rambunctious toddler and a baby. She will be missed.

And that, my friends, is the last sad news I want to hear for the rest of my pregnancy. I can't handle bad news on top of these flowing hormones. When lil sis called to tell me the news, I think she stopped crying long before I did (in fact, I know she did because I'm still crying as I write this). Only happy news from now on, OK?

If heaven has Super Soakers, my mom must be the water fight champion by now...

I have tried so hard to find the funny in everyday life recently. Not just so I would have something to post (although I'm always on the lookout for stories that translate well onto the blog), but because it's always nice to think about the last time you really laughed. This week hasn't been filled with a lot of laughter (at least, laughter that will translate well). Not because of any catastrophic event, but because of too many hours spent at work and not enough time with the people who tend to make me laugh.

So I'm reaching back into the ol' memory bank for today's tale about my mom. My mom passed away more than five years ago, but definitely still hangs around in the stories my family tells, in some of my facial expressions and, if the corner of my eye is to be believed, in the house we live in (although perhaps that's a story for another time...)

One of my favorite stories about my mom is one I told at her memorial service because it sums up her and her parenting style so well. My mom loved water guns. Loved them. And had tons of them. We didn't give her gift certificates for pedicures or flowers for Mother's Day-- we gave her Super Soakers.

And having enough water guns around the house for everyone naturally led to some epic battles. We would turn on the hoses at the back and front of the house, divide up the weaponry, give everyone a chance to fill up their gun and then race around the yard trying to soak, but not be soaked. And in the midst of these armed kids would be my mom, giving it just as good as she got (to this day, I'm not sure there's anything more satisfying than soaking an adult and not getting in trouble...)

For one battle-- one that my mom sat out in order to work in the yard-- things got a little out of hand. People were soaked but then feelings were hurt and someone ran inside in a huff. And that's when someone (my brother and sister say it was me, but I'll never admit it) dragged the hose into the house to threaten them. And that certain someone may have actually turned the hose on in the house and soaked the front hallway from floor to ceiling. That someone may then have been afraid their short life was about to end.

That's when my mom walked into the house, stopped short when she saw the water dripping down the walls, looked at her sorry-looking kids... and then, rather than handing out the punishment we knew we deserved, she grabbed the closest water gun and chased us out of the house with her squirting us from behind. And that was the day I escaped death (and discovered just how awesome my mom was in the process).

This may explain why I don't have many friends...

Sending an email to my college friend Tiffany the other day reminded me about one of my funniest stories-- and the best practical joke I ever pulled. Tiffany was the first person I met on our first day at college and was my roommate in our senior year. I should explain that Tiffany is from Great Britain and A LOT more reserved than I am (she's totally fun, but definitely more refined than yours truly). So she made a great target for my practical jokes just because it was so fun to shake her up a bit.

One time, as we were sitting on our beds studying, I offered her the last pierogi on my plate. She declined. "C'mon." "No, thanks." "I don't want to waste it. Please take it." "No thank you." "If I throw it at you, will you eat it?" "Well, OK." So I launched the pierogi across the room, it smacked the wall above Tiffany's head then fell onto her lap. And she ate it.

Anyway, as we approached graduation, I came up with the best practical joke ever. Tiffany and I were in the marching band at our school for our freshmen year before she quit. I stayed in another two years and, for some reason, had acquired some letterhead from the band director. Rather than letting it go to waste, I composed a letter to Tiffany saying that records showed she had never turned in the school's flute after she quit. The letter said she would have to pay $500 for the missing instrument and that the dean had been notified so she would not be allowed to graduate until she did.

Then, I put it among the other envelopes from our shared mailbox, gave her the stack and hung around to await her reaction. She.went.nuts. It was probably the most unrefined I'd ever seen her. She was ranting and swearing and saying, "They had three years to tell me. Why would they wait until right before graduation?!?" Keeping a straight face, I made things worse by saying things like, "Well, do you still have the flute? You should just give it back."

She got more and more angry until she decided to call the band director and give him a piece of her mind. I stopped her as she picked up the phone and let her in on the joke, which she took well. And, to be honest, after writing this out, I have to say I'm surprised she stayed friends with me. I like to think I made her life a little more exciting.

i have strep throat, but i've mastered the four point Wonder Woman turn

Seriously?

Strep throat?

Really?

So all weekend long i had this ridiculous fever that kept me from doing things like getting my hair dyed pretty colors that aren't grey, checking out my friend's band, going grocery (or any other kind of) shopping, etc.

But you know what I did do? I discovered Wonder Woman full episodes on WB.com and watched the first half of season 2 in my feverish state.

It brought me back all of the amazingness that was my childhood heroine. God I love that Wonder Woman. I totally had the underoos, the large silver bracelets which were made of silver, but let's pretend it was feminum, mmmk?

I have to say I prefer seasons two and three over the first mostly because Diana has some great 70s fashions. She rocked that wrap dress - and only Linda Carter could really get away with those glasses.

But when was a turban ever a wise non-religious influenced fashion choice?

I have to say that all of these new web sites popping up with childhood classic shows are really bringing back some fond memories - and there are so many shows I've forgotten about. Like... Remington Steele, Fraggle Rock, Small Wonder....

Gosh I love the Internet.

Things Not to Do On a Date

First off, I know. I'm a serious blog slacker this week and last week. I'm really sorry. I'm making the rounds tonight, however, as I drink my third martini.

(Note from SJ: I started this Friday, but finishing Saturday. In the 24 hour period, I've had four martinis. I consider that a decent average. In fact, I should really make another one.)

My comments will likely get funnier, however -- so there's that.

But I was inspired by a friend of mine and a show that he saw that was seriously disturbing. Except that it wasn't the concert that was disturbing. It was in fact, the serious PDA issue going on.

So we had a discussion about the serious mistakes we've witnessed (or in my case, actually experienced) over the years. It brought me to this here list of skin crawling dating moments -- and just plain "you're doing it wrong" moments in my romantic life.

1) Your tongue is not a weapon.
I hope you've never experienced it -- but sadly, I bet a few of you may know what I'm talking about. Guys, when you stab your tongue so deeply and violently into our mouths that we can no longer breathe, it's not enjoyable. And that gagging noise is me begging for oxygen. Or trying to tell you something but can't form proper sounds because you have stifled me with TOO MUCH tongue. Incidentally, it is *never* okay to lick someone's face. Unless your name is Bailey and you're my springer spaniel.

2) DUDE. Get Your Hands... Off...
There are few things worse than being inappropriately groped in public -- particularly when you're, say, in line at the grocery store. There's a limit to my love. And that limit is in plain sight when I could run into my kindergarten teacher, or worse, my mom.

3) Ouch. Stop. Stabbing me with your chin.
Have you ever met the angry kisser? I have. He used to attack me. I'm not sure if he was so afraid of rejection that his method of attempting to kiss me was to do it machine gun style, but whatever the reason, it was a scary thing. I tended to dodge. I dodged once and nearly got a black eye, however. Note: This is far worse if the dude has sharp, pointy facial hair.

4) The neck grab.
Okay - now, I admit, that I do sometimes like a little -- minor -- forcefulness. Like for instance, we're in a heated debate over the election of 1912 (which, is highly possible. Have you met my husband? History geek. And I love him for it), and in order to shut me up, he decides to kiss me. Okay, so my husband doesn't do this - but I wouldn't mind if he did. However -- what is *not* okay is when the dude wrestles you from behind and puts you in a chokehold. This is least effective when the guy is your height or shorter than you. I'm not sure why they think the Vulcan neck pinch is acceptable and necessary to kiss you.

5) The Stone Lipped Man.
Have you met him? He's a really super awesomely nice guy. But somehow, he managed to turn 26 without ever learning how to kiss. I was about 22. We dated a few times, and he refused to make a move. Finally, one night after cooking me dinner, he attempted to kiss me. Only he somehow replaced his lips when I wasn't looking with cold, hard marble. It was just. I mean. No. Not good.

6) Sand paper face.
Before every date, I make a point to shave my legs. Even now, when my dates are going to Home Depot with my husband -- still I shave my legs. But goodness. Those make out sessions with guys who don't shave -- OUCH. I like having skin on my face. And I like kissing you. Don't make me choose.

7) The questionable move.
Maybe I don't speak for all women, but I know I speak for most of the ones I know: don't make us make the first move. It can be subtle. We don't need a hollywood kiss. Just maybe -- the brush of your lips across the cheek. A forehead kiss. Something sweet, romantic and subtle enough to let us know that you're into us. There's nothing worse than those limbo dates. And trust me - we do analyze these moments for hours on end. No pressure.

I'm sure I missed some things... and I would be willing to bet that our reading public has some good stories. So, let's hear them. Worse dating faux pas? Anybody? Is this thing on?

Remember when... a look back at 2008

You know those end of the year wrap-ups that look back on the best of the year or the worst of the year or who died this year or the biggest news stories of the year? It’s cheesy, right? Actually, I’m totally addicted to them, dudes. I looooove those things. Even the obituary listings of those who died in the past year. There’s just something about having everything neatly organized and the chance to look back on an entire year all at once.

So, here’s [drum roll, please] FunnyGals Look Back at The Year That Was 2008. [trumpets sound here, please] I mean, you could just read back through our archives and see what happened to us. Or you could let me do it for you (dudes, I even took notes while doing it!)

2008 saw a bajillion new babies in our group of friends and family. SJ and I each got shiny, new nephews this year (SJ added to her set while mine is a stand-alone for now). And every single one of our friends gave birth (OK, perhaps not every single one, but sometimes it feels like it!)

12 new hairstyles for SJ and at least three different colors for her luxurious locks. Thank goodness she keeps her stylish glasses the same type or I would be in danger of not recognizing her.

One… that’s the number of times I convinced SJ to hug me this year. She has this weird thing where she hugs all the rest of her friends, her family members, the mailman, most of her coworkers and the first person who walks into the room after a Hallmark commercial is on TV… and she still gets weird about hugging me. We’re going to work on that in 2009.

SJ joined Facebook, MySpace, eHarmony, Linkedin, Wikipedia and any other networking site that would have her. Everyone in the world is her friend on one site or another. Oh, except me. Because I belong to exactly zero of those sites. I leave the technical stuff to her.

While SJ’s collections were limited to hairstyles and shoes, KAT collected jobs and houses in 2008. Right now, the collections stand at two houses and five jobs for 2008, but there are still a couple hours left in the year so that could change at any minute.

Injuries were at a minimum this year and it’s possible SJ had the least number of trips to the emergency room since she was 3 (although I suspect she may be keeping ER trip stories from me for fear I will wrap her in bubble wrap and never let her out of my sight). But 2008 kept its hands to itself for the most part with some soccer bruises for KAT, a twisted ankle for SJ and an attack from an angry underwire in SJ’s bra. But, still, a pretty good year.

And we should remember 2008 as the year SJ rocked the Pilates while KAT rocked the… uh… Casbah.

This number isn’t exact, but it is suspected SJ baked 92 dozen cupcakes this year. That is A LOT of cupcakes—no surprise my favorites were the ice cream cone cupcakes for my birthday (although the amount of icing on those Christmas tree ones may have edged out the ice cream cones if I had the chance to try one—my thighs are glad I didn’t)

I won't try to put a number on it, but we made a lot of new blog friends this year and-- even more importantly-- racked up the numbers on our site counter (just kidding). My bookmarks no longer fit on one page and I have stopped doing any work in an effort to keep up with everyone's blogs.

And the last part of our countdown has to be the martinis consumed (although I’m still unsure whether I should count the ones from the night before Thanksgiving that got, uh, “sent back”?) Among the highlights are the Snickers, the Chocolate Mint, the White Chocolate, that purple one, that fruity blue one SJ got, the Little Red Corvette, that other chocolate one and finally, those chocolate ones I made for the PH.

It was good, it was bad, it was sometimes ugly, but I think it’s safe to say SJ and I lived the crap out of 2008. Here’s hoping you can say the same. Happy New Year, everyone!

A Year in Review Part 1: Movies, Books and Music

It's no secret that I hated 2008. But, it wasn't all horrific. Just mostly.

But I was inspired by another blog I read to come up with a few top picks for the year, and while that forum features things written by professional entertainment writers, I'm going to go with things that entertained SJ, that may not have actually occurred in 2008, but are things that this late-bloomer happened to have caught in 2008.

Without further ado.

Top Movies 2008
3) Mamma Mia - Stop laughing at me. Seriously? I know it was cheese. I know people don't usually burst out into song (actually, I have been known to do this on rare occasions. Or not so rare. I may just do it sporadically throughout the day). The cheese factor made it, for me, the feel good movie of the year.
2) The Dark Knight - It was dark and scary, and much anticipated. I loved it. But not as much as I loved:
1) Iron Man - I'm not usually an action person. But I *Loved* this movie and Robert Downey Jr. in all his hot sarcasticness. I loved it like I love Russell Stover's Dark Chocolate assortment.

Top Albums 2008
How impossible is it for me to choose albums? Completely impossible. I'm not even sure if these came out in 2008, but they are my favorite newish albums that I just started listening to this year.
3) Promised Land by Dar Williams. Not my favorite album by her ("Mortal City" is), but I love her dearly and her fantastic lyrics and light airy voice. So. There.
2) With You by Natalie Walker. I just discovered her this year, and have been happily listening to her albums all year long. The title track on this album makes me happy to listen to.
1) Sorry. This is definitely not 2008. But. Nina Simone: Anthology. Rarely do I sit and listen to an entire album over and over again. This is one that I do.

Top Books read in 2008
These didn't come out in 2008. Sorry. I just read them this year.
3) The Wreckage by Michael Crummey. Sad and beautiful. Hard to find because he's from Newfoundland. But it's worth the Amazon pickup.
2) The Last Night At the Lobster by Stewart O'Nan. I picked up his books this year in an effort to find a local author that I could swap with my friend from Newfoundland. Ergo, I found O'Nan and read this on the train to and fro NYC. It's a quick read and a lovely read.
1) Ever year I read a classic that I missed. This year's choice, and coincidentally, my favorite book of the year: A Prayer for Owen Meany.

So I guess 2008 wasn't terribly bad, as far as entertainment goes. I'm sure there are many (ahem, Pat. Pat's anonymous commenter, KAT, j) that would disagree with me. And I'd love to hear your choices, as well.

What about you? Favorite book/movie/album?

Who knew the Bangles and Eastland Knots were so popular?

Google Analytics has been providing me with non-stop entertainment, so I thought I'd share with you some of the gems I've learned about our visitors.

They love the 80s, they love large-figured women, and they know the words to Linda Ronstadt songs.

You folks are scaring me a little, honestly. Not all of you. But those of you who are looking for "Busty just 18" may be disappointed. We're way over 18. And Busty is actually just a nickname, not a physical description. (I blame KAT for the overwhelming amount of "Busty" searches that bring people to our blog.)

So, because I find these funny, here are some of the keywords that are bringing you here. Please, sit down. Kick off your loafers. Stay a while.

1) Eastland knot. True, once upon a time KAT waxed poetically about the resurgence of the 80s in fashion trends. And for some reason, this is our number one search term. I suspect there is a marketing director at Eastland that's trying to contact KAT about being their next model.

2) "Busty Aunt" This is KAT's nickname for herself. I'll let her explain.

3) "not in the market for a boy who loves only me" -- the lyrics to a Linda Ronstadt song. I tried in vain to get our few readers back in 2006 to engage in a little song lyrics quiz. It went awry.

4) "The Bangles." Seriously? You're looking for Pat over at Blog Like an Egyptian. You and your Eastlands can go walk right over there. Tell him sj says hi!

5) "burp tastes like food five hours later" - I .. what? Really? I can't... I don't...

I've got nothing.

But maybe try some Dentyne.

Bloggin' it Old School

Because I am so very lazy, and we have some new readers, I thought I'd go old school on y'all. I found this while being a creeper and loitering on other people's blogs. Shh. Don't tell the person I got it from.

Feel free to steal it and repost on your blog! I won't even say that you should say something nice about me (i.e. freakin' lazy sj finally posts, and she was totally lame about it).

1) What would you say your most fundamental flaw is?
i have so many flaws, but one particular flaw is my inability to walk away when i should. this applies to many things, and it's fairly universal. it's very hard for me to let go, even when something is hurting me.

2) What was your dream growing up?
i wanted to be a famous actress or singer. but i think it's safe to say I wanted to be famous (which i funny, because now i prefer to be anonymous). i also wanted to be an FBI agent. in fact, a combination of all three would have been ideal. so, an actress playing an FBI agent who had to go undercover as a lounge singer.

3) What talent do you wish you had?
i can sing a decent tune, but i wish i could play the piano.

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
i think it'd be really sweet of you to buy me a drink. you don't even know me! well, unless you're jal (gin and tonic) or srg (tequila sunrise) or KAT (anything goes, but likely, a chocolate martini).

5) Favourite vegetable?
asparagus. even though it makes your pee smell funny.

6) What was the last book you read?
snow angels by stewart o'nan.

7) What zodiac sign are you?
i'm a little crabby.

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
don't you think that's too much information? but really, no. nothing interesting. my vices are more mental.

9) Worst Habit?
i'm a horrible procrastinator.

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
i'm not sure i know what you look like. so i likely wouldn't recognize you.

11) What is your favourite sport?
um. my what? well. i watch the red sox, and i throw around the pigskin in the yard with j and friends. but i'm the most clutzy person ever. as is evident by my previous travails.

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
i'm generally optimistic. but even the most optimistic person has her bad days.

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
again, since i don't know you, per se, i'd have to go with a general response. i would likely smile politely and move to the back of the elevator and hope you don't talk to me.

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
i love m&m's, but i feel compelled to sort them by color before eating them. and when i do eat them, i have to eat the largest population first, and work my way around the color groups until they're even. and ideally, i prefer them to have even numbers, but i can work through that.

16) Do you have any pets?
yes, one. Bailey, the english springer spaniel. i used to have a bunny too (Crispix), but my bunny sadly died in December 2007 and i cried for a week.

17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
i'd be so happy! we never get visitors! i hope you're not allergic to dogs. and please don't mind that my living room is a mess.

18) What was your first impression of me?
again, tricky. but let's go with - i think all of my blog readers are special and awesome. and i'm not just saying that so you'll come back.

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
incredibly creepy. and never cute.

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
i would prefer to be better proportioned -- i have particular issues with my nose.

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
i'll bring the shovel.

22) What color eyes do you have?
brown. but someone once told me they looked yellow, which is a little scary and freaky. i'm not usually so feline.

23) Ever been arrested?
no. i killed all of the witnesses.

24) Bottle or can soda?
i don't usually drink soda. so. a bottle of water?

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
pay off whatever remaining debt we have, redo the bathroom and carpet the stairs. omg. when did i grow up??

27) What's your favourite place to hang at?
my living room. else? with kat and the ph.

28) Do you believe in ghosts?
i'm not sure. when i'm home alone, i definitely don't.

29) Favourite thing to do in your spare time?
i love to read. i also am addicted to online scrabble. i am aware of what a nerd i am, thank you.

30) Do you swear a lot?
i try not to. but unfortunately, i do when i'm upset over something.

31) Biggest pet peeve?
i get really bothered by people when they take advantage of others, or abuse others. i don't like bullyish or manipulative people.

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
quirky.

33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
i have a great appreciation for it, but i believe that it fades, which is unfortunate. i believe (too much) in the grand gesture and love letters.

35) Do you believe in God?
i believe in a higher power. i'm generally a spiritual person, though not a religious person.

36) What happened to question 14?
it got into a knife fight with question 26. neither was triumphant.

sj: oversharing since 2005.

i have a list of confessions for you today. because it's rainy and i am tired and stayed up until 11:30 last night making cupcakes for work (but dude. they came out *perfectly*. like little hostess cupcakes, and i mastered the filling without using an airgun.)

and they're not the juiciest confessions, but they are, in essence, little pieces of me that i'm sharing with you, because you got here, so you must care, right? wait. where are you going? come on now. i've already shared with you too much - like the time i nearly went braless, or the time i went pantyless?

i'm going to share even *more* now. although perhaps nothing as embarrassing as those little gems.

so. now for the following little known facts about me. there's not much more to know about me after this list, and my profile, however. so i realize i run the risk of running out of things to blog about. good thing i keep hurting myself.

1) we all know i love animals. i had a sheep as a pet, and several bunnies, and now a dog. but my sensitivity may perhaps be too much. i once had to pull over on the side of the road after hitting a bird. i cried. seriously. ask my friend bill, who i was on the phone with at the time. (and who thinks i am, justifiably, a freak.

2) i played this game as a child where i really thought that i could telepathically communicate with birds. srg knows all about this. she was totally in my game. her name was bunny, and mine was trixie. these were the nicknames given to us by our second grade class photographer (you know? the dude that takes the pictures.)

3) i had a huge crush - huge - on one of my friends' ex-boyfriends. but shh. i'll never tell you who or which one or any other details. i just had to share. he wasn't my type in *any* aspect, but still. i was in love with him. (and now? i have no idea what i was thinking. but there was a time when i would have made some very bad decisions....)

4) the first concert i ever saw was Barry Manilow. and i still dig that shizzle. i love him. and i'd go see him again.

5) when i'm really, really trashed, i sometimes speak with a bad British accent. Sorry, Molly. i mean no disrespect to your country.

6) i own the Debbie Gibson greatest hits CD. and secretly listen to it all the time. and i know every single word to Foolish Beat.

so go ahead. get your guilty secrets out there. you know you want to.

current itunes song: "fair" by remy zero

okay. time to crank up the funny.

now that i've depressed you all with the talk of my Gramma, and with KAT's bad news about the layoff, i thought it's only fair that i share a bit of funny.

goodness knows *i* could use some funny right about now.

i don't think i've shared this story on the blog before, although it's likely KAT and SRG have heard it many times.

it's the story of my interview at a huge insurance giant in hartford, which is also the story of how i nearly called off the wedding.

i went in for my interview on october 28th. i was working as a reporter at the time, so i tried to be all sneaky when sneaking off to hartford for the big interview. goodness knows i couldn't show up in the newsroom wearing a suit.

but i was *prepared* - i had my notes, my updated copies of my resume, a solid understanding of what an HMO was -- i was ready.

i mastered the first interview with two women - we got along famously. and then they told me - "we really want you to meet with maureen*." i have no idea who this person is, because by this point, i was now interviewing for another job than the one i came in for. "we think you're over qualified for this job, but this one over here would be great for you..."

they walked me down the hallway, and i looked around at the cube farm, wondering where this mysterious maureen sat. as i turned around the corner, i heard a very bright "Hello!" and i looked. down. at the woman. who was a... um... little person. dressed as an M&M. as in. candy colored shell over chocolate. doesn't melt in your hand, but rather, in your mouth.

was this an elaborate HR test? apparently not. it really was the woman i was interviewing with. she disappeared for a minute to "change" and met me a few minutes later and asked me intensely difficult questions -- ones you do not expect to hear from an M&M.

i did end up getting the job. but the best part is, when i got into the lobby of the large insurance company, i called j, who happened to work on the floor above where i interviewed.

me: "you will never believe who i interviewed with."
j: "wait, was it the midget that dresses up?"
me: "this was a possibility that you didn't care to share with me *prior* to my interview?"
j: (laughing. loudly.)
me: "hello?"
j: (still laughing.)
me: "the wedding is so off."

My 21-year old self would kick my 31-year old self's ass.

this weekend, when i was sifting through a bunch of crap, i found a mixed tape i had made myself for cruising around in my 1988 ford bronco II. okay, it may have perhaps been a tape that i made myself to survive driving to work in Hartford (when i was an intern) on 3 hours sleep.

but. i thought it'd be fun to share with you my 21-year old sj's playlist. (i should mention that some of these are *still* current favorites.)

"Are You Out There" by Dar Williams
"Laid" by James
"Hard" by Grey-eye Glances
"As Cool As I Am" by Dar Williams
"Even Cowgirls Get the Blues" by Emmylou Harris
"Power of Two" by the Indigo Girls
"Feelin' Love" by Paula Cole
"You and Me" by Vonda Shepherd
"Independent Love Song" by Scarlett
"Just Like Heaven" by the Cure
"Letter to Elise" by the Cure
"Nervous Heart" by the Borrowers
"Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star
"Insensitive" by Jann Arden
"You're Aging Well" by Dar Williams and Joan Baez
"Sweet Jane" by the Cowboy Junkies
"Life is Sweet" by Natalie Merchant

and though you've probably seen this before... let's just remember that while my music taste was awesome. i may have made some bad decisions about my look.

A lot like SJ's first kiss post... but A LOT less cool

SJ's post about her first kiss got me thinking about mine because they are somewhat similar. But it's what made them different that is the funniest part.

I was 14 and headed into eighth grade... and I was a big dork. Braces, those curled-up bangs, button-down shirts worn over jeans that were pegged at the bottom, white Keds, the whole nine yards. My family has a cottage and twice a summer, the beach association would hold a block dance, where they would have a bonfire and hire a DJ to play music. My family always went and I usually brought along a few friends.

At this particular one, I was dancing in a circle with a few friends, when this older guy (which would later become the theme of my dating life, by the way) asked me to dance. He was in high school so it was all a little scandalous. He hung out with us for the rest of the night, then walked me back to the cottage and kissed me in the backyard. (And, like SJ knows exactly what song was playing, I remember the gum he was chewing... and anytime I smell that brand, I'm instantly brought back to my first kiss).

OK, here's where SJ's story is cool and mine is not. While her first-kiss guy went on to participate in the Olympic trials, mine went off to college... and became a cheerleader.

ah, young love. and olympic swimmers.

i am in love
... with the Men's US Olympic swim team.

it brings me back to my first *real* kiss (i was 16 and a camp counselor). his name was jordan, and he was my fellow counselor for my tribe (okay, the tribe thing is hard to describe, but essentially, this was 4H camp and they split the entire camp - ages 8 to 15 - into co-ed tribes of around 30 or so campers).

we had our first kiss at the friday night dance. on the dance floor. afterwards, i escaped with my friend Lena to discuss the details. the song "one" by U2 was playing and we were dancing off in a corner somewhere.

he was super cute, and also, a fantastic swimmer. he went to like the junior olympic trials or some such.

excuse me for a minute while i reminisce....

(epilogue: he went on to attend Princeton - early decision - and then became a fulbright scholar studying the environment or something equally noble and fantastic.)

The good ol' days...

SJ and I hit the road for a fun, girly shopping trip to the outlets that ended with the purchase of some very pretty dresses and maybe a few $4 bras. We spent the ride down catching up on tons of stuff (who am I kidding? we talked and talked and talked the entire day!). The topic du jour for some of the trip was husbands, relationships and in-law issues.

SJ's response: "Remember when we used to talk about sex and boys? I liked that better."

Me too, SJ, me too. (And when did we get so grown-up?!?)

the way back weekend

lately, i've been making an effort to retrace my roots (and i speak not just of my hair) and find people i've lost. it's been a little easier than you'd think, what with so many social and professional networking sites popping up from here to there.

and it was through one of those sites where i found my long lost friend, whom i'll call FP (because we like to do that anonymity thing on our blog). FP was one of my dearest and closest friends in high school, and for various reasons (mostly, he went to school in Boston, and I remained in CT), we drifted apart.

but no more! i reconnected with FP and saw him after *over 10 years* this weekend. he is a beautiful, beautiful person, and what's more, he had not changed even a fraction on the inside.

we looked at our high school yearbook over cosmos and laughed and went through the various "reunion" stories that he missed out on. it was so fantastic to see him. i went down with another recently reconnected friend -- we took the train into the city. he met us right outside the 100-117 tracks. it was so easy to spot him (mostly because he's really tall although now more closely resembles a male model than he ever had before) and we nearly snuck past him!

we walked all over the city -- and by that i mean *all over* the city. we were in search of the perfect loungey type spot. after 2.5 hours, we settled on a tea bar in so ho. unfortunately, FP sat with his back to the door, and after we sat down, it suddenly became one of the most popular spots in so ho, and the door opened every minute or so, so FP froze. after this, we walked back up to chelsea, grabbed a bottle of vodka and some cranberry juice for cosmos. we totally lost track of time (in one of those good ways) and before we knew it, it was 9 p.m.

i cannot tell you the last time i went to dinner at 9 p.m. i felt like a young adult again! (not the kind that reads nancy drew books, but you know what i mean).

we had dinner at a cute little spanish place (great sangria, v good tapas) before finding our way back to the 12:22 train back to darien. it was a *loong* drive back to our area, but truly, a great night of fun.

it's funny the way you can miss someone so much for so long, and when you see them -- it comes rushing back to you. i dearly love FP and i'm so excited to have him back in my life. this time, i promise not to let another 10 years pass!

so let's all raise our martini glasses together to toast someone that perhaps you haven't seen in too long a time.

like they said at 4H camp, "make new friends, but keep the old... one is silver and the other gold..."

(although i find that mildly wrong because that implies that my great "newer" friends like KAT are less valuable than my old friends... which is not the case. it's not the olympics. all of my friends are precious metals...)

a pictorial diary of sj's hair-capades

A recent posting by my bloggy buddy Ray made me think long and hard about all of my hair-rors throughout the years. mostly, i shook my head in fear at the recollections, but there were a few good moments (2000-2005 were all good years.)

While you may recall some of my more recent follies, there have been some other moments of hair-raising bad decisions (to be honest, i really liked my bangs. dying my hair black may not have been my best choice ever, but it wasn't terrible.)

i've done much worse. like the perm I got my freshmen year of high school. or the super short pixie do i sported immediately after the perm (i really, really thought i could look like demi moore in ghost. alas, i could not.)

there were also some trying times back in the late 90s when i was *really* into tori amos and the cure that I'm not really that proud of. for example:


and of course, i'm not afraid to reveal my bad hair days.

and now where do we stand? well, we stand half red, half black, not long, not short. but i think it's about time for a change. so let's vote! long or short, keep it dark, or get highlights?

Save the drama for yo' baby mama

I just had a coworker in my office bellyaching about his relationship of about four months. He wanted to go out for a beer tonight and his gf got really upset. The arguing went on... and on... and on, from what I can ascertain from his side of things. She even threw in, "When we're lying on the couch together each night, I know all you're thinking about is how much you want a beer!" And, seeing as how this guy isn't an alcoholic, that's kind of an odd statement, as well as completely not true.

It's a relationship between two people in their early 20s (remember those days?), the kind where he hasn't seen his friends in the four months they've been dating because he wants to spend every waking minute with her, but then isn't "allowed" to go out for an hour one night without the drama.

Then it got me thinking about what dating was like in my early 20s (and, let's be honest, even in my late 20s). The Pretend Husband was picking on me the other day for some of the men I dated in the past and, I have to admit, I deserve it. Among the gems...

- The dude who invited me over to his place for the first time, then fell asleep with his head in my lap. I couldn't move, couldn't reach the remote to watch TV and still sat there like an idiot waiting for him to wake up. And yet, I kept dating him...

- That was the same guy who invited me to his sister's wedding after we had been dating only a month. I sat at the head table NEXT TO THE BRIDE and am in a bunch of the photos. We broke up a few days later. I can't remember what he looks like, but his family has those nice wedding photos to remember me by.

- How about the- ahem- older guy who I suspect was a closet alcoholic. His night stand next to his bed? A mini fridge stocked with beer so he wouldn't have to get up and walk allll the way to the kitchen to get one (it was a condo... the kitchen was about 10 steps from the bedroom).

- Or the 30-year-old who still lived in his mom's basement? He had a good story about moving home to help her after his dad died, but his dad had passed away like, five years earlier, and I almost never saw his mom there so I don't think she needed much help. She finally had to move away and sell the condo out from under him to get him out on his own!

Thinking about the winners from my past just makes me all the more thankful for the PH who, although not perfect, is a lot closer than those dudes! And hearing the drama from my coworker makes me all the happier I'm not dating a 23-year-old drama queen.

How about you? Any good stories?

I'll be walking with a cane by 33!

I’ve been friends with the awesome photog BAC even longer than I’ve been friends with SJ (probably because HE didn’t wear some funky, hippy-print shirt to HIS job interview!) In the years we’ve been friends, BAC and I have gotten into a considerable amount of trouble together. It got to the point where every time he got yelled at by his girlfriend, I had been somehow involved. (But she married him, so it couldn’t have been that bad, right?)

That time we had a little too much to drink and went to my apartment to sober up and he didn’t get home until 3 a.m. and his girlfriend drove around town to make sure he was OK? Yeah, I had something to do with that. That time he said he was going out for one drink and was out for four hours? Yes, that was with me. Like I said, plenty of trouble.

Which is why last night was so ironic. I helped BAC with a big project for work this week… even staying in his office until midnight (on a school night!) to work on it. So he promised me a drink or two in thanks (he’s also paying me, like, $5,000 for my help… or maybe he said $5). Last night, the PH and I met BAC at the sports bar we used to frequent all the time, had some drinks, ordered up some great buffalo wings and kicked back… for a whole two hours.

Three years ago, we would have closed the place down on a Thursday night. Yesterday, the clock hit 7:30 and I was yawning and yearning to get home to my comfy couch. We talked a good game and brought up those crazy times from our youth. But, in the end, getting into my pajamas at 8 p.m. won out. Apparently, I’m an old lady at 30.

Once I’ve mastered caller id, I plan to tackle that whole three-way calling thing

You’d think I would have learned my lesson last year when I got two calls from ex-boyfriends in the same week. Two calls from people I have no desire to talk to ever again and, in the case of one of them, ohmygodwehaventdatedinsevenyearssowhyareyoustillcallingme?!? We dated for three years so here it is– more than double the time we dated– and you’re still calling me why?

Obviously, when they called, I answered not knowing it was them because I had long ago erased their numbers from my phone (given that we had been broken up for so long, there was a reason for the break-up and we no longer have anything in common). So I instituted a new rule that has served me well for about a year: I don’t pick up calls from numbers I don’t recognize. Sure, I’ve missed a couple of crucial calls that way (such as the one from the vet after I called in a panic about something Molly had wrong with her). But that’s what voicemail is for, right? And for every important call I missed, I’m sure there were two unimportant ones I missed as well.

Well, yesterday wasn’t the best day for me. I got some bad news about a relative and was struggling with some work stuff. I had already gotten a call from someone I’m doing some work for (the number was vaguely familiar and I took the chance it was him because… well, because he writes me checks). Anyway, I was a little out of sorts when my phone rang and the number was unfamiliar, but sort of, perhaps, maybe it rang a bell and wasn’t I just talking to someone last week with a similar number?

So I answered it… and regretted the next seven minutes of my life. It was the ex-boyfriend, the one I dated for three years, then didn’t date for seven. The one who, whenever I think about him, I am so, so grateful that we broke up. I’m pretty sure I would have a divorce under my belt by now if we had gotten married (not that I’m revealing a secret engagement or anything, but after three years of dating, it was probably headed somewhere in that direction eventually).

Anyway, I suffered through the questioning, trying to be as vague as possible.
“Are you married?” “Not yet.”
“When are you getting married?” “November.”
“How’d you meet?” “Mutual friends.”
“What’s his name?” “[First name only]”
“Did your sister get married yet?” “Yes.”

And I asked him some questions because it seemed like a better option than having to reveal anything else about myself.
“Still married?”
“Still on the first wife?”
“Kids yet?”
Turns out he has a kid, which is nice for him, but seriously, I DON’T CARE. The only thing I feel about that is sorry for the kid.

Then he had the audacity to give me marriage advice! (Are you kidding me?) He advised me not to get drunk at the wedding and to realize that the day is all about the bride. What a jerk! Which is why, as soon as we got off the phone, I did save his phone number. But under the name “DO NOT ANSWER!” I can think of a couple of other numbers that may end up in there. But I should assure SJ that her number is not one of them (I was at the grocery store when you called last night and that’s the only reason I didn’t answer. I swear!)