Let me know if anyone finds an all-chocolate diet that makes you lose weight...

The Pretend Husband, the Pretend In-laws and I on Saturday hit up one the many country fairs that will be going on in our neck of the woods. The first thing we did when we got onto the fairgrounds was walk up and down the line of food booths and decide what to have for lunch. Out of all the offerings-- which included fried Oreos, chili dogs, baked potatoes, cotton candy, ice cream, sausages, grinders and those huge turkey legs-- you know what I chose? A salad.

I went to a fair and got a salad (and it wasn't even deep-fried!) I thought I was kidding when I told the PH on the way to the fair that I intended to have a salad for lunch. I thought I was joking because I've never been to a fair where anything even resembling a vegetable was available unless it was battered and fried. But I found the one booth at the fair that was offering healthy food and-- this is the most surprising part-- bought something.

I've been trying to eat better lately in an attempt to slim down. I've been exercising a bit more and am using an app on my iPhone that allows a person to track how many calories they consume each day. In order to lose a pound and a half a week, I'm allowed 1,500 calories a day. I'm here to tell you that 1,500 calories a day is not a lot. It's a granola bar and coffee for breakfast, two small snacks, a Lean Pocket for lunch, a turkey dog and tater tots for dinner and Jell-o or an ice cream sandwich for dessert. Actually, writing that out makes it seem like a lot, but I'm hungry just about all the time, so it doesn't seem that way during the day.

But it seems to be working. My pants feel just a bit looser (let's be real, 2 or 3 pounds isn't exactly noticeable-- even when I tell the PH to squint and look really hard to see if he spots any difference). And I feel healthier and better about my eating habits. But still, let me repeat this: I went to a fair and ate salad. It doesn't get any more hard core than that.

Maybe it comes with a side of salad?

On Friday, while the Pretend Husband and I were traveling, we stopped at Wendy's for dinner. And I forbid him from ordering the Baconator. I have never forbidden the PH to do anything (I think our marriage vows pretty much forbid adultery, but that's God forbidding it, not me). I did it because the last time the PH had a Baconator, he had some-- ahem-- gastrointestinal issues for the rest of the night. So, really, it was for his own good (and mine!)

I sense I will be forbidding the PH from ordering something else just as soon as he hears about it. KFC is now offering this:

(photo courtesy of foodgeekery.com)

That's the KFC Double Down Sandwich, which is bacon, cheese and sauce between two pieces of fried chicken. My arteries are clogging just talking about this. The fact that this sandwich is being tested out in only two markets-- neither of which we live in-- may be the only thing standing between the PH and a coronary right now.

things that totally made my day today

it's a monday, and mondays are usually icky and horrible, but today, my day has been superb (which is much-needed because yesterday was kind of crap).

so here's my short list of things that made today great:

1) an awesome email from a good friend of mine whom i hadn't heard from all week (and i miss him a lot).
2) a huge bouquet of flowers delivered to me at work from j. *sigh.
3) a peanut butter pie made by a co-worker that will require me to do an hour and a half of pilates but whatevs.
4) an old flame telling me how hot i looked in a pic i posted on FB (thank you, and i know - and double parenthetical note: FB is still my dirty little mistress to blogger. but she knows it's not serious.)
5) nothing blowing up yet.
6) the knowledge that i only have to get through this week before i'm on vacation next week with Jal and little E and I can't WAIT. i'll bring my laptop to blog from the Happiest Place on Earth.

i know we have to follow our recend award rules and post our pics, and we will this week. scout's honor. although i was never in these "scouts" - so. that doesn't sound promising, does it?

curses on Mari Windsor and her crazy letter formations

i've been doing pilates religiously for two weeks now. more religiously in fact than i have been treating regular religion, in that i practice pilates daily and attend church services every other year.

i was feeling pretty confident in my ability to do fly through the basic work out and thought - hey- why not, let's just move on to the bun and thigh and then ab work outs. i can do a few more leg lifts, etc.

i was not, however, prepared to fold myself into the letter V. that is, lift my upper buddy off of the floor and my legs at the same time. to literally spell out a V. V for victory! V for Vampish long lean muscles! V for vitality!

V for viciously sore abs the next day.

today i am nursing my sore obliques and abs with lots of tea and healthy granola and fruit and lots of water to flush out the impurities. like the ones that were telling my mind "you can do it!" yesterday when i was halfway through that painful, painful DVD.

granted, i do have better posture than i did two weeks ago. and my jeans are literally falling off of me (which doesn't count when you buy them too big anyway, i realize). but still. until the day comes when i need to escape from a burning building and can only do this by... folding myself into a V? i'll continue to marvel at the contortionists in my pilates dvds.

Stuffed to the gills and my burps taste like bacon

Having flexible schedules (and in his case, no boss) means my friend BAC and I can meet up for breakfast long after our spouses have trudged off to work. We did that this morning, but unfortunately, I think it might be the last time that happens… not because I don’t enjoy BAC’s company or because it wasn’t fun, but because I’m so stuffed I may never eat again.

My usual breakfast is a cup of coffee and a granola bar. I’m not a breakfast person and have trouble downing large amounts of food shortly after waking up. But I broke all the rules today… and I’m paying for it.

I met BAC at a chain restaurant because he had a buy one-get one free coupon. Little did I know, it was for the biggest breakfast they offer. We each had four eggs, four pieces of toast, home fries, four slices of bacon and coffee. I didn’t finish it, but I gave it my best shot.

And now, six hours later, I can’t even think about eating lunch. I just sent BAC this email: "I AM SO FULL! It's lunchtime and I have a sandwich sitting in the fridge and the thought of eating it makes me gag. I can't believe how much we ate for breakfast! I usually have a granola bar but today I had to try to keep up with you so I ate the spawn of six chickens, a field of potatoes, a loaf of bread and three pigs. Or at least it felt that way. Thanks again for breakfast (which may actually be my lunch and dinner too, if I don't hurry up and digest!)"

But I’ve learned something today. Despite being more full than I thought possible and practically busting out of my jeans, I accepted a piece of chocolate from a co-worker. I think that theory about having a separate “dessert stomach” may just be true after all. Burp!

Girls Gone (sort of) Wild

I survived! Four days of chocolate martinis, good friends, good food and a bit of work around the house mixed in. What a weekend (in a good way).

The fun actually began early last week when I spent hours cleaning the house from top to bottom (note to Mrs. Matt: I’m just kidding. My house is always that clean.) Vacuuming, changing sheets, scrubbing the bathrooms… The Pretend Husband commented that we should have people stay over every week if it will prompt me to clean (I may have thrown a sponge at his head for that one.)

But it was worth it because Thursday night was spent with five fabulous women and more than my share of chocolate martinis. It was almost like a marriage counseling session as we talked about all the issues of engagement and marriage– what to call your mother-in-law? (I call mine by her first name, Mrs. Cheech calls hers by a nickname and Mrs. Matt uses the “Hey, you!” approach). When are you planning to start having kids? (That’s the point where the PH and BAC took off at a full sprint for some guy bonding). Does your husband ever [fill in blank]? (“Oh yes, he does. And it’s very, very annoying. I wish he would stop!” was the general consensus.)

Fear not, our alcohol consumption was kept to levels low enough to allow us to wake up at a decent time the next morning and spend a couple of hours assembling wedding centerpieces. I am so grateful to Mrs. Cheech and Mrs. Matt for their hard work (and to Mrs. BAC for her offer to help if she hadn’t had to rush her husband to the doctor).

Having Mrs. Matt see our house for the first time– and the fact that some of the tour included, “What we’re going to do in here…”– was enough incentive for me to spend most of the rest of the afternoon peeling three layers of (ugly, ugly) wallpaper off part of the kitchen. And because yesterday wasn’t hot enough on its own, I fired up the steamer again to finish the project, leaving just one layer of wallpaper to take off the rest of the kitchen. The advantage was the free facial I gave myself and impressing Molly by making it rain from the ceiling when the steam built up and then began dripping.

Most of all, I was reminded about how good it feels to kick back with good friends, to share sweet drinks, to laugh until it hurts, to know that you’re not alone in some of the things you put up with, to have your wedding work diminished, to be able to look around the room and think, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”

To SJ, Mrs. Cheech, Mrs. Matt, Mrs. BAC and Max’s Mom… thanks! Now, when can we do it again?

if i didn't eat the ice cream, and You didn't... then we must have a burgular in our house

so last night i'm about to get ice cream, and ask my husband where it went. he looked at me all surprised and said "i thought you ate it."

"no, no i didn't."

"yes you did. you had some before bed." now, i did actually, but i only had some - not the entire rest of the carton.

this went on for a few more minutes. in fact, my husband swore so ardently that he did *NOT* finish the ice cream that we came up with the obvious solution that someone had broken into our home to eat our ice cream. in fact, the person must still in fact be there. so this led to the inevitable search of the basement and second floor.

it was okay though, because we still had a brand new pint of ben and jerry's to tackle. so i had a little scoop of that on a wafer cone, and all was well.

and alas, we didn't find the ice cream burgular. or KAT in the closet with the ben and jerry's, which j now informs me has also gone "missing."

hmm. wonder if we'll ever solve this mystery.

Help! I'm being attacked by a chocolate bunny!

So much for the diet!

We purposely didn't buy any Easter candy for each other this year, what with all the weddings to get in shape for. Plus the candy was expensive and we're always looking to save a buck.

But I didn't factor in PMS and a craving for chocolate that is so great, I'd consider running over small animals if it got me to the cabinet faster. Nor did I think about how that one, small bite would not be enough and I would be forced to eat more to satisfy the cravings.

And I forgot about the post-Easter sales, the ones where all the candy (the Peeps! and the peanut butter eggs! and the jelly beans!) get marked down by 50 percent, enough of a deal that the Pretend Husband and I were able to buy an entire shopping bag of candy (and milk to wash it down) for less than $10.

If you need me, I'll be gorging on chocolate over here in the corner, far, far away from the scale.